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    • sanyo1981
    • By sanyo1981 11th Jun 17, 6:02 AM
    • 5Posts
    • 3Thanks
    Wife doesnt like my mother for no real reason
    • #1
    • 11th Jun 17, 6:02 AM
    Wife doesnt like my mother for no real reason 11th Jun 17 at 6:02 AM
    First of all my name is Sanyo and I wanna say hi! Since is my first post(And a long one) I really appreciate the help and advice that everyone could give.

    My wife and I have been married for little more then a year, we are not from the same country. I met her when she was working in Hong Kong, she is from Japan and she is great, very caring, we get along well and we both love each other. Since young I have been really tight with my family, we immigrate to Canada together when my sister and I were young and when sis and I decided to work in Hong Kong because of the better Jobs offered, my parents also came back to be close to us. Basically in our family we don't have any secrets, and especially with mom we are really like good friends.

    I respect my wife a lot, and I am the kind of person who doesn't like to give out rules as long you can be happy, I am happy. So whatever my wife wanted I try my hardest to give it to her and solve any problem ahead. Me and my wife lived together for a year before we decided to get married, she also wanted to quit her job because she wants rest up her body because we might be planning to have a baby. I was fine with everything, even at the moment she wanted to take that break, financially it was abit risky for me to take all the burden. Still without hesistation I said ok. I worked harder find ways to make money and half a year into our marriage I got a big break, so financially I am ready to have our first baby.

    The problems lies here, her personality seems to change quite a bit after marriage. I admit I am a messy person, sometimes when I get home I just like to put things everywhere at home. So she would complain about that a lot and emotionally be very upset, also things like after using the toilet please cover the toilet seat. I am ok to let me know but no need to be so emotionally upset over it, but anyhow I wanted to try to make her happy so I change myself and basically now 90% of those things I do to her standards. (which I tell myself it is also for my own good)

    Basically all the marriage get along relationship problem I could solve, except this one problem that has really bother her now, me being close to my family, especially my mother. She doesn't like me to talk to my mom and parents that much. Like even how much I make, only she should know. Since now my workbase is in China, I am no longer close to my family. Once in awhile my mom miss me a lot so I would webcam phone chat with her about once a week, maybe 20 mins time. But she has been really irritated by it, at one point she got so angry and slam the door really hard while going to her room. I mean, we already don't have to live in the same house, and I never force you live together with my family. She also finds it very weird and tell me you are disgusting when my mom once in awhile text me say "Hi, how are you, what did you do today" She would then explain to me that she never does that, her parents never does that, man in japan they don't do that. Well guess what she should of chosen a Japanese men to begin with, but I feel now she is trying to change me.

    This part I cannot change, because I love my family greatly, they put so much heart into us since young and I don't like it when I hear people say bad things about them especially my wife. But the funny thing is my parents have nothing against her, and my parents think she is great and that she love them a lot, that's the biggest problem. So now I basically don't know what to do, I have talked about this topic with her too many times, I even ask her to talk to her friends(problem is she doesn't have many friends) and family but refuse to do so and she keeps a lot of things inside herself, but only shares with me and for me to solve it. This problem for me I cannot raise to my family as well cuz I don't want to break the relationship between my wife and my parents.

    Any advice whatsoever would be greatly appreciated! To make things worst since we are planning to have baby, she wants to have it born in Japan. Which is fine since I know is hard for a women so maybe she want to choose a hospital she is comfortable with and be close to her family. But we discussed the topic of the kid growing up, she also wants to move back to Japan and raise him in local school. We still have yet to comply with that and now I am having thoughts should we really be having a baby, will she let the baby see my parents, is realty stressful for me thinking about it. Also before marriage I talked about going back to Canada in the future if we decide to have kids, she was ok before but now she is really disgusted by that idea. I think is because she is worry if going there my parents will also be there! Like wtf we don't have to live in the same house even in the same city is not allowed?

    Help me out
Page 2
    • geminilady
    • By geminilady 11th Jun 17, 8:05 PM
    • 1,724 Posts
    • 7,316 Thanks
    Thank you everyone for your responses really appreciate it!

    I think a part might be she feel i might seem happier talking to my mother, which might be the case since i only talk to her for like 10mins on the phone a week sometimes not even since i don't live with her. But even a text message to my phone she would not be so comfy with it. The reasoning she tells me is she doesn't do that and their parents also don't text her or call or. They talk maybe on the phone 2-3 times a year, but the calls would be longer.

    I think is just the way she is, she wants me to do things her standards. And yes we lived together before marriage things were much better, might be because she was working so we don't spend so much time seeing eachother. Because my work is project base, once i finish the project sometimes i get one to two months off, that's what happened this time around and why the problem came up.
    Originally posted by sanyo1981
    Have you explained to your wife that your family are close and so are many other familys? I think it is quite sad she only talks to her parents two or three times a year and she should not expect you to be the same.Also to say you are "disgusting" for texting your mum is a massive over reaction, maybe she is jealous of your closeness I don't know.If she would talk to friends and family she would realise that it is she that is in the wrong.Maybe you could persuade her to go to marriage guidance.I know she says it should be kept between yourselves but talking together has not helped and I do not think it does anyone any good bottling things up.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 11th Jun 17, 8:39 PM
    • 2,175 Posts
    • 3,005 Thanks
    I think there are massive cultural differences between you and your wife, which have only become obvious since you both "relaxed" into married life. By that, I mean since you both settled into marriage and became relaxed enough for the differences to become plain.

    You have a decision to make about your wife, who in my opinion, (based only upon your information to the forum), wants to control you, your life and your family relationships. Do you want to go forward having your wife more and more in control of your life? Try to extrapolate the future together and imagine this situation getting worse.

    The decision is yours to make.
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • Anno88
    • By Anno88 11th Jul 17, 12:54 PM
    • 7 Posts
    • 8 Thanks
    Hi !

    Just seen this thread wanted to contribute...

    Once you have a little baby, it is very likely that these frustrations will become much much worse.

    No doubt you envisage a future where your child will see your parents - their grandparents - without it being an issue, and will want them to have as close and loving relationship with them as you do.

    Your wife sounds a little insecure, and very very fixed in her ways - I think the things she is focussing on do show a lot of insecurity in her, and a hankering to do things ''the right way '' i.e how she and possibly her family, have always done them.

    In her mind, that is the ''right way '', i.e ' the only way '

    Until she can mature out of this perspective, she will give you and herself a very hard time.

    Most definitely a little baby could be traumatised whilst you two spend the next few years working / arguing out your compromise.

    Sit her down and ask each other : Is this marriage working ''

    Making you both realise that you do not have to stay together and to take the step of inextricably linking your lives with a baby, is not a foregone conclusion.

    Maybe that will provide the wake-up call to help you assess what sort of Life and Happiness you can bring each other.

    Bad things happen you know , we don't have to make them happen !
    • DrivingMissDaisy
    • By DrivingMissDaisy 11th Jul 17, 5:21 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 14 Thanks
    So to summarise:
    • She doesn't work currently and is resting herself
    • She doesn't have a close bond with her family
    • She doesn't like you having a close bond with your family
    • She doesn't like how you keep the house, but she is at home now
    • Now, she wants to move back to Japan

    • GlasweJen
    • By GlasweJen 11th Jul 17, 7:02 PM
    • 6,449 Posts
    • 11,618 Thanks
    I'm surprised it's taken so long to come to a head.

    Japanese women are told to get a strong man, one who can be head of a family. They don't go in for mothers boys and generally expect for married men to leave their old family and make a new family with wife and children. What are you telling your mum that's making her upset? I'm going to guess finances, discussing health issues, discussing the future and basically conversations that should only be had within the marriage (i.e just you and her).

    As for her wanting to raise your children in Japan, again it's very common for women to return "home" for the birth of babies and to settle back where they are from until the children are older.
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    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 12th Jul 17, 10:48 AM
    • 7,610 Posts
    • 16,788 Thanks
    She sounds possesive, manipulative, and controlling. IMO this is an abusive relationship.

    If a woman was saying this about her husband, everyone's alarm bells would be ringing.

    HBS x
    I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

    • theguru
    • By theguru 12th Jul 17, 10:53 AM
    • 623 Posts
    • 383 Thanks
    Seriously read your own post, this relationship is doomed, get out while you can before you have a child as no way should a child be brought up in this relationship...
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 12th Jul 17, 11:44 AM
    • 602 Posts
    • 995 Thanks
    I don't see a future for this relationship without you making yourself entirely miserable by acquiescing to her every demand.

    Do not have a child together it wouldnt be fair.
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