Cats still not getting on - is there light at the end of the tunnel?!

gwhizz75 · 16 October 2011 at 6:35PM

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice/stories from people who have introduced a new cat into a 1 cat home. We have had our original cat (Max) for 6 years+ now and recently decided to get another cat to provide some company for him when we are out during the day/on holiday. We ended up rescuing a 3 year old female cat and brought her into the family at the beginning of September.

We kept them separated initially, but as they were just showing curiosity towards each other's presence rather than aggression, we introduced them shortly afterwards. Max wasn't aggressive at all towards her at the start but he doesn't have the best social skills so went straight up to her face and got a slap! For the next few days - week, she would give him the odd slap when he got too close, and would sometimes chase him (although more in a playful way, not aggressive). Max became a bit withdrawn for a while but gained confidence fairly quickly.

So fast forward to now and the tables have turned a bit. He is now the "aggressor" and she is the one getting chased and slapped!! They never have full on fights with screeching and screaming but he seems to have developed an automatic response to her when she gets within a foot or so of him, he just stares at her and hisses. Sometimes he lashes out but it is more of a warning than an attack... for example he will slap his paw down on the floor sometimes. Other times he actually runs up to her when she is just sitting/lying down, stops about a foot away and hisses - it's really odd!

His behaviour with us has also changed and whereas he used to love being picked up and snuggled, he now sometimes makes a funny crying noise when we pick him up or sometimes even hisses at us - especially if she is around (I think he just feels out of control and he's worried she will get him!).

We generally leave them to get on with it and are hoping they just get used to each other being around (the main problems occur when one of them doesn't see the other one coming and gets a shock!).

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and if anyone has advice for things we could do to facilitate a friendship. They have treats together and when there is food around will stick their faces right next to each other without any issues (they're both greedy!). I'm hoping it is just going to be a case of giving it time, especially as we have fallen head over heels with her so can't imagine having to give her up. I am worried though that they won't ever get on, and especially worried about Max's behaviour change towards us.

Sorry it's so long! Thanks for reading if you got this far!!

rising_from_the_ashes · 16 October 2011 at 6:55PM

(((hugs))) I know what you're going through....

I have 2 that ... shall we say "tolerate" each other at the best of times. Unfortunately, they do have full on "I'm going to kill you" fights (the serious stuff) and I've had to have them separated for around 4 months in the past with a slow reintroduction:(

They are a lot better now but still "have their moments" and there are certain situations when "fisticuffs" will always happen - however, I know the trigger points well now so can avoid a lot of these.

I have accepted that they will never be the best of friends which is sad - they are rarely in the same room together which I also think is a great shame (especially in the evenings and me, dog and 1 cat are in the living room and the other cat is upstairs out of the way).

I make sure they both get "mom and me time" every day - she's a lap cat and gets loads of cuddles in the evenings and he always comes for a cuddle when I go to bed.

It may be that they've not quite sorted out who's the dominant one yet .... hopefully this will come - or that he's really worried about what she's going to do, so "gets in first".

Keep with the feeding them in the same room - mine are (although at different sides of it) and it's the one place that they never fight!

Good luck

Maryland_Cookie · 16 October 2011 at 7:39PM

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) from me too. My two have been together for over a year and I'm still having problems..............so you have my utmost sympathy. We got Mollie 3 years ago, and then Bobbie just over a year ago. They are both neutered, and lovely, lovely cats, when they are on their own, but together, they are a nightmare combination. I read everything I could about introducing them properly and did the phased introduction and scent swapping, and it didn't make one iota of difference. I sometimes wish I had just let them get on with it from the beginning.

There are times, and these are few and far between I have to confess, when I see a glimmer of hope for them getting on, but it has been a really hard year. I lived and continue to live in hope that things will improve. I have tried Feliway, Bachs rescue remedy, distraction therapy (I know, I know madness!!) and separation.

Their worst time is at night and it got to the point where we weren't getting a decent nights sleep, so now Bobbie sleeps in the conservatory and Mollie has the run of the house, although likes to sleep with us on the bed (of course!!). They hiss, spit and fight like billy oh - fur flies and the noise sometimes is awful. Neither cat has been injured - if they had then I would seriously consider rehoming one of them - although I couldn't bear to pick which one........ I think sometimes it looks and sounds worse than it is.

Occasionally they will eat together, and my vet says that whilst ever they do this there is hope, so hang in there, I am!

rising_from_the_ashes · 16 October 2011 at 8:32PM

Ohhhh Maryland ((((hugs)))) for you too.

I don't think anyone really realises how stressful it can be until they've gone through it themselves.:(

I too hold out hope - and will say that things are much better than they were.

They've never been the best of friends and used to just ignore each other / have their own spaces - he was the dominant (which she wasn't thrilled about).

The problems started when he was injured in a fight with a tom that decided to come into the garden. Whilst he was recovering, she decided it was her chance to take over and be dominant - when he recovered, and tried to reasset his dominance .... I'm sure you can imagine.

It has always been her that started the fights - he would happily ignore her but if she went for him, he would obviously fight back.

However, recently, I've seen him put her firmly in her place before she can start anything (she'll be lying happily and it's him who runs in, jumps on her) and I'm hoping this will sort things out once and for all.

He has also been coming into the lounge (which is her room - it was the one she was confined to for around 4 months when they were separated) and he's not been in here for well over a year. Sometimes she lets him, and other times she's "not happy" about it but at least he's coming in now.

I've also caught both of them sleeping in my room (him on the bed, her on the dog's bed;)) and again that's his room - and she's never been allowed in there (even before the "big fight").

So ... sorry for the long post, just wanted to say that there's always hope - they're both a bit older (3 and 6) so again hopefully age will calm them down a bit too!

Maryland_Cookie · 16 October 2011 at 8:51PM

Its hugs all round rising from the ashes :0) - we certainly sound like we've all got our hands full! It's so good to hear others stories, it makes me feel less on my own. When we first got Mollie, we'd got a choice of 8 kittens (2 litters) and OH was adamant we could only take one. I was happy to get just one furbaby, although would have loved 2, fast forward 2 years and I brought home a little suprise......I honestly never realised how difficult it would be and wish more than anything I had pushed to bring one of Mollie's siblings home. OH has softened up no end and loves them both almost as much as I do lol!

My two, as am sure yours do have such different personalities. We were told that Bobbie was a girl, and he spent the first 6 months of his life being called Daisy, I swear that had a long lasting effect on him.......I'm hoping when he's a bit older and a bit less kittenish he will quieten down and stop being a naughty boy! Mollie was such a good kitten, and he is off the end of the scale, he loves nothing more than to run up the curtains from bottom to top and then back down again - they are wrecked. And as for the settee - oh my goodness, the scratches are something else. Oh a plus side he is so loving, he's a real lap cat and loves nothing more than snuggling down and dribble, he dribbles fo England! In fact I'm sure he knows I'm talking about him and is sat watching me type and trying to get on my knee! I wish I knew how to get pictures off my phone onto the lap top, but I'm a technophobe! Mollie is just as loving, but is always on her guard when Bobbie is around as she never knows when he's gonna pounce!

Good luck to us all, keep us posted how you get on gwhizz and if you find any "magic cure" please come back and share!

rising_from_the_ashes · 16 October 2011 at 9:29PM

Maryland_Cookie wrote: »

Mollie was such a good kitten, and he is off the end of the scale, he loves nothing more than to run up the curtains from bottom to top and then back down again - they are wrecked. And as for the settee - oh my goodness, the scratches are something else. Oh a plus side he is so loving, he's a real lap cat and loves nothing more than snuggling down and dribble, he dribbles fo England!

OMG you could be describing my two there - but back to front .... it's the girl who does that in my house! :eek:

Archie lived with Smudge (my old cat) quite happily and there were (from memory) 16 cats between 4 houses where I used to live. They all got on apart from 2 who just stayed away from each other and were in/out each other's houses all the time - so he grew up with loads of other cats and is generally fine with them (as long as they don't come in his garden).

She grew up where I live now - all the cats tend to stick to "their own patch" so she's never really had much cat interaction. I have seen the odd cat in my garden at night & if she spys it, she goes ballistic (one of the reasons I keep them in at night). I can honestly say she would happily be "an only cat":(- although it's odd as she adores the dog:doh:

However, I will persevere as love them both to pieces and as long as they're happy in themselves and not hurting each other I can live with the one in this door / one out that door etc (that most people think I'm nuts to put up with).

I would love another cat but there's just no way I could bring another one in and disturb the delicate truce that's now been reached - it would probably start a whole new dominance war off again:(

GWhizz I just re-read your post and would say that it's still very early days (had missed you only got your 2nd cat in September) so please don't worry too much yet - I am more convinced now that they're still "sorting themselves out" so, fingers crossed.

Have a try of a Feliway diffuser - I have one and it does seem to help a bit (you can buy them & the refills much cheaper online than at the vets).

gwhizz75 · 16 October 2011 at 10:20PM

Thank you both for your replies and for sharing your stories! I didn't realise how stressful it would be, living with two cats who don't get on with each other. To be fair, I think our new cat, Molly, would like to make friends now but Max just seems hyper-aggressive and isn't having any of it. Luckily she's quite a resilient little character and doesn't seem too upset at the fact she gets attacked or hissed at wherever she goes.

The most upsetting thing is the change in Max's character when he is with us. Just earlier I went to stroke him and he hissed and lashed out at me. It's so unlike him to be aggressive, he has always been really timid so it's quite a shock. It seems to just be an automatic reaction, like he sees everything as a threat... and yet at other times he is fine for us to pick him up still. I wish I could get inside his mind!

It's really sad to hear that you both have cats that have been together a long time and still don't get on. I suppose the longer it goes on, the harder it is to rehome the "new cat" too as you fall in love with them so quickly.

I'm glad you think it is still early days and that my two might just be sorting out the pecking order - I do hope that is the case. Similar to rising from the ashes, Max took his chance to take the upper hand when Molly was ill and not herself for a week. She had a cold and was really lethargic so he took his chance to go on the offensive and get away with it. Now he can't seem to stop!

There have also been glimmers of hope for us, they "kissed" a few days ago without hissing or fighting and I thought finally, they have turned a corner! It was a one off though unfortunately

I have tried feliway but unfortunately it did nothing at all for us... although my OH did trip over it which was rather hilarious and certainly made it worth the price :rotfl:

Tempted to try some of the pet bachs rescue remedy but might just be clutching at straws... still, don't suppose it can do much harm. Have either of you considered getting an animal behaviourist involved? I don't think it's time for me to try it yet but if things haven't improved by the start of next year, I might look into it. I really want this to work!!

Buttonmoons · 17 October 2011 at 12:04AM

It will hopefully get to a point of them just ignoring each other. My two don't really like each other, the male cat likes to think he is the bigman on campus and is forever pestering the older (much smaller) female cat who was here 1st, she just lamps him one in the face and he squeals and runs away in a sulk! They do sleep next to each other when on my bed though (well still a wee space between them) and both scoff out the same bowl at the same time.

When I first got the male (as a kitten) they hated each other for at least 2 months though, was quite funny seeing this little 10week kitten trying to be all threatening and hissing and spitting at the female cat (who probably started the whole hatred thing going by being mean when he 1st arrived) who was just staring at him like "!!!!!! ARE YOU DOING"

Fingers crossed they'll rub along smoothly, but it sounds like your male cat isn't best pleased if it's showing in his overall temperment.

bethie · 17 October 2011 at 7:59AM

just a bit of encouragement to say it does get better!

i had an 8 year old male for 4 years before I introduced an 18 month old female.

a year later they aren't the best of friends, but are certainly having more positive interactions then they used too.

they eat side by side, timeshare beds, and can be in the same room at the same time. they also play fight as well, and take turns initiating it.

i've never seen them cuddle, though i think both my head and the female's head would explode in happiness if it ever occurred... (the amount of times she has tried to share a bed and get glared at by him.....)

aloise · 17 October 2011 at 12:15PM

It seems to me they are doing OK. Just haven't decided yet who is "top cat " My 2 were introduced 6 years ago, the new boy was 6 weeks old and my old cat was 7 years old. They had a terrible time at first and i never thought i would be able to persevere with the little one, but bit by bit it got better. They are not the best of friends even now, but when the younger one disappears for a day or 2 at a time the old one frets till he is home, then acts like "I didn't even realise you were gone ".

puddy · 17 October 2011 at 12:50PM

gwhizz75 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice/stories from people who have introduced a new cat into a 1 cat home. We have had our original cat (Max) for 6 years+ now and recently decided to get another cat to provide some company for him when we are out during the day/on holiday. We ended up rescuing a 3 year old female cat and brought her into the family at the beginning of September.

We kept them separated initially, but as they were just showing curiosity towards each other's presence rather than aggression, we introduced them shortly afterwards. Max wasn't aggressive at all towards her at the start but he doesn't have the best social skills so went straight up to her face and got a slap! For the next few days - week, she would give him the odd slap when he got too close, and would sometimes chase him (although more in a playful way, not aggressive). Max became a bit withdrawn for a while but gained confidence fairly quickly.

So fast forward to now and the tables have turned a bit. He is now the "aggressor" and she is the one getting chased and slapped!! They never have full on fights with screeching and screaming but he seems to have developed an automatic response to her when she gets within a foot or so of him, he just stares at her and hisses. Sometimes he lashes out but it is more of a warning than an attack... for example he will slap his paw down on the floor sometimes. Other times he actually runs up to her when she is just sitting/lying down, stops about a foot away and hisses - it's really odd!

His behaviour with us has also changed and whereas he used to love being picked up and snuggled, he now sometimes makes a funny crying noise when we pick him up or sometimes even hisses at us - especially if she is around (I think he just feels out of control and he's worried she will get him!).

We generally leave them to get on with it and are hoping they just get used to each other being around (the main problems occur when one of them doesn't see the other one coming and gets a shock!).

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and if anyone has advice for things we could do to facilitate a friendship. They have treats together and when there is food around will stick their faces right next to each other without any issues (they're both greedy!). I'm hoping it is just going to be a case of giving it time, especially as we have fallen head over heels with her so can't imagine having to give her up. I am worried though that they won't ever get on, and especially worried about Max's behaviour change towards us.

Sorry it's so long! Thanks for reading if you got this far!!

still very new for each other, i would say its taken nearly a year for our new rescue cat (last september) to bond with our cat aged 10 (the new one is 6). i think it really changed around february time but still had room for improvement up to spring/summer

they will get used to each other and the dynamics will change until its seen who is top cat

you can try stroking one with a sock on your hand and then stroke the other, but expect some hisses

Cats still not getting on - is there light at the end of the tunnel?!

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