Middle class spend-spend-spend mentality

[Deleted User] · 5 September 2006 at 1:31PM

Sorry about the length of the post, I'm in a hot afternoon rant.

About a year ago I started dating my girlfriend, it has been a great year and I hope many more will come in the future - we're in the process of buying a house together and there's a fair chance wedding bells will be ringing in the future (although we're both Jewish, so there's more likely to be glass stomping).

I'm experiencing a bit of a clash of cultures though. I'm from Manchester, my parents were both brought up in poor families and have done well for themselves. My gf's family has had quite a bit of money for several generations. Her friends are all in the process of getting married off - each has a big fat diamond ring, takes several holidays a year and is planning a big expensive wedding with super-fancy honeymoon.

I'm use to saving - i've been planning to buy a house ever since I started work 3 years ago and I'm finally in a position to buy. I've sacrificed having a car and holidays in order to reach my goal. However, I now feel under pressure to spend-spend-spend like my gf's friends do. I know full well they are doing this and building up debt. I have no debt, not a penny. The only debt I want is a mortgage. I have a 'good job' by Manchester standards and an average one by London standards. It has prospects that I should be hitting 40-50k pay within 5 years.

I just feel a bit ill when the girls all start talking about diamonds and holidays. I've not saved 12 grand to blow it on 3 holidays a year. I have no problem spending 4k on a diamond ring one day - I love my gf and she deserves the best I can afford. I just wish she appreciated how much hard work I put in to save that money.

So, am I not middle class enough? Should I accept that all my money will be !!!!!! down the pan on holidays and jewellery? Aggh, i just wish it all wasn't shoved in my face so much.

Rant over. Thanks for listening. Sorry if this is a really lame rant, I know there are people with real money problems and I do realise how fortunate I am to have these kind of worries.

Mrs_pbradley936 · 5 September 2006 at 1:49PM

May I suggest that you get into the habit of saying “I do not want to afford it”. I used to say that all the time when my kids used to say “but you can afford it”. You obviously do not want to live like a pauper but you do not want to fall into the trap of “keeping up with the Jones’”. Especially if the Jones’ have enormous credit card debt. The next time someone brags about where they have been and what they have bought say “Gosh, I am so impressed”.

rchddap1 · 5 September 2006 at 1:56PM

So whilst her friends and their partner's are spending like there's no tomorrow you are arranging for a good future for your family. Don't see what's wrong with that. In fact I'd say you are being sensible in planning for your future family.

You've got to remember that she loves YOU and not how much cash you can spend on her. Or that's the idea of love and marriage anyway.

If my partner had to keep up with my sister's partner we'd have end up bankrupt a few years ago.

thriftlady_2 · 5 September 2006 at 1:58PM

I don't know so much about it being a middle class attitude to spend spend spend. Me and OH are middle class and wouldn't dream of spending our (his actually

) hard earned money on rings and things. See my post on the cheap wedding thread

You sound like good husband material to me

and mazel tov when you do get married

Mrs_pbradley936 · 5 September 2006 at 1:59PM

Another thing, there will always be somebody with more money than you, better car, flashier watch etc. If they seek to make you feel inferior they are not friends and you can do without their company. In the same way you should not make someone with less feel uncomfortable. We have lots of friends, some who can afford to eat in the nicest places and others who cannot. When we are with those that cannot we have a cheap meal and a bottle of plonk – it is the company we are interested in.

[Deleted User] · 5 September 2006 at 2:30PM

Thanks for the replies. I personally couldn't give a rats !!!! about what other people choose to (over)spend their money on, I know my gf isn't a big spender either (although she's absolutely hopeless at money management) - that'll change once we move in together and get joint accounts.

I guess it's just the thought of a 180k mortgage imminent, combined with the cost of i) furnishing and decorating a house from scratch ii) buying a diamond ring (might be in the next 9 months....) iii) surprise trip somewhere to propose iv) a 'north london jewish wedding' (go rent Suzie Gold for a rough idea)

I've also got my first payrise in 14 months after starting a job in London being announced next week. This worries the hell out of me as I left my last job due to lack of payrises (so glad I left academia). I guess I'm just worried about my future. Cheers all.

Dora_the_Explorer_5 · 5 September 2006 at 4:55PM

Sorry mate, sounds like you've had a blast of the Jewish Princess syndrome. Stick to your guns, you know you're right and it sounds like your GF is very happy with your attitude otherwise she wouldn't be your GF.

seven-day-weekend · 5 September 2006 at 5:09PM

Just tell them you're a tightwad and ignore their comments. Your girlfriend wouldn't be marrying you if she wanted someone like that.

Hope your wedding goes OK.

tomstickland · 5 September 2006 at 5:09PM

Stick to your current plan. Many people get sucked into the spend-spend mentality. I don't think it's middle class. Think of all those mahoosive plasma tvs bought by chavs.

funky-footprints · 5 September 2006 at 7:08PM

i dont think because they are spend spend spend that they necessarily have more money than you either. ...... not or is a middle class thing. we are about to pay off our mortgage and own both our cars ....our neighbour drives a brand new range rover and his wife a merc convertable .. they went ski-ing in January, then had a new kitchen , a whopping conservatory, and are currently landscaping thier garden, they change thier cars every 6 months without fail, to the outside they are all talk talk talk ...yet he admitted to my husband they are are in debt up to the hilt.

They were both bought up on a pretty crummy council estate and he got lucky ?? .... i wouldnt class them as middle class to be honest but he is stuck in a rut now of spend it ...spend it ..spend ..even if he doesnt have it.

Eels100 · 5 September 2006 at 7:39PM

I think you will find that as the years pass, these 'friends' will fall by the wayside. This will either happen because their values are obviously not quite matched to those of you and your GF, or because they cannot maintain their standard of living and so they withdraw socially.

This is a pattern I have seen quite often with groups of young, apparently affluent people - with time, marriages, children and home ownership, cracks start to show.

Stick to your guns and be true to your values, because you'll be ok when they're neck-deep in debt. As someone else said, smile and express your awe at how well they've done to have a big rock and a timeshare in Magaluf. When you've retired at 50 and you're spending your days playing golf and free of money worries, you'll know you did the right thing!

Middle class spend-spend-spend mentality

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