Contact arrangements for DDs - ex changing them round, help!

Jo_R_2 · 12 February 2009 at 12:00PM

I'll try and keep this brief - not that I ever do 'brief' posts but hey!

I received an email from my ex's wife proposing when they will have contact with my DDs. The arrangement in place is they have DDs every other weekend, Friday evening to Sunday evening. Fairly often (maybe once every two months or so), my ex asks to change weekends around for a handful of reasons, and usually this isn't a problem, I don't mind working arrangements around things that come up for him/them, a holiday, work, and so on.

This email details their proposed arrangements for the rest of February up to the end of May. As I said, I don't mind working around things, but there isn't a month where they have kept arrangements regular. They're away at least three times which overlap with their time to have the girls, and so have swapped and juggled weekends, to the point where come May time, they'll see them once in nearly four weeks as they're going away for two and a half weeks.

In all fairness, they haven't 'skipped' any weekends, but moved things round a lot. Me and OH are on amicable terms with my ex and his wife, but knowing from past experience (arguments?) with the ex over contact times, I would assume that what they have done is already made their holiday plans, worked the girls around those holidays, then are coming to us hoping a) it's all fine with us, or b) if it isn't (ie we have plans already), that we will take things up and either look after the girls ourselves or arrange for them to stay with someone else - as he has said to me before, "well we're not going to be here so how can I look after them?!?" :mad:

I don't want to go through this argument that seems to crop up periodically again - it feels no matter what I say, the ex is right. He's brought up various points that he thinks work in his favour, such as (as just mentioned) he's already made plans over a weekend he's due to have the girls, he can't look after them if he's not here, why can't we have them - after all we have them all week anyway so what difference does it make to us if they're here on that weekend too, can't my parents look after them, my parents can't look after them so you'll have to, we have to work and you don't so it's easier for us to make plans, and so on...

What irks me is I feel this expectation for us to agree, or else he'll start up an argument over why we're being unreasonable - he really expects that if we can't fall in with what they suggest (say because we've made plans already), that it's US who have to sort out his contact arrangements for him. On the odd occasions I've asked for his help, he has refused point blank, he very rarely offers any help, has them extra or contacts them between weekends, which kinda builds on why I feel annoyed, I'm really starting to feel like he expects us to organise and change our lives and plans around when they decide to go on holiday.

Any diplomatic advice?

floss2 · 12 February 2009 at 1:56PM

So he doesn't feel that his arrangements to have his daughters are "firm" and unmoveable, when it comes to planning his leisure time? Oh I remember that experience well!

Perhaps you can "consider" your response for a couple of days and take advice from your OH, family, other friends and here. Then compose a reply along the lines of:

"Well actually, now you've raised this, we could probably do with having a proper talk about this, as you've have changed dates / plans which we thought were firm and we have already made plans for ourselves to suit the original arrangements....." then give a couple of examples (and if it is something like plans to go somewhere with other people, you will have to stick to these plans) of family plans "made" to suit the original weekend arrangements that their changes have upset.

Then finally, add the "guilt" comment of "and we have booked a weekend away as it is our anniversary and we thought that as we have the girls for 75% of the time and you only see them every two weeks, it was about time we had some time on our own".

But only you will know how well comments like that would be taken....

Hope that makes sense!

Pee · 12 February 2009 at 2:38PM

Sometimes, to keep other things as amicable as possible, someone has to be particularly adult and as flexible as possible. May sure you have plenty of chance to let off steam about it.

At the end of the day, it is his loss, whether he ever sees it like that or not.

jack*tigger · 12 February 2009 at 3:30PM

Maybe you can email back with YOUR plans for May - December!

Jo_R_2 · 12 February 2009 at 3:37PM

I received an email from him, a rather snipey one saying amongst many things that he doesn't "expect" we'll make arrangements for the girls if we already have plans, then onto how I can't talk about stability and constancy when DD2 stays for "weeks on end" at my parents. A low blow really - what he's referring to is last year when I was suffering from severe depression, DD2 temporarily stayed with my parents for two/three months, of which he was aware and apparently supportive of (though suspect this was because he managed to get out of having her first!)

She does go to stay but not for weeks on end

I hate how I try and rationally address points and he deals with it by being sarcastic, judgemental, and bringing up what he feels to be my shortcomings as a mother so I did have to reply by saying if he feels I struggle so much or I am so terrible as a mother, why is he criticising from the sidelines rather than doing something constructive like offering to help out?

I'm sooooo inclined to tell him to stick his arrangements where the sun doesn't shine :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: but of course I'll come across as being obstructive and it's not in anyone's interests to be awkward for the sake of it... or would it be making a point? Anyway I'll await his response and might have ot give him a call to sort it out.

Susan_Frost · 12 February 2009 at 3:48PM

At the end of the day, he can just not arrive to pick them up, however much you insist. It is really bad on him, but difficult to effect a change. The only way is to appeal to his better nature - and he does not have one.

I think I would just go with the flow. Make sure if you do arrange something special for yourselves when he is supposed to have the girls, that you have a back up in place in case he says he cannot take them.

I know it is not on.

Also, some of the weekends they wish to swap to "will not be convenient for you to let them go - you have something arranged" (even if you dont) And DONT feel you have to explain what. If it is inconvenient for him to have them, then he misses out. Tough.

They are in a position where they can refuse to pick them up if not convenient, but you are also in a position to refuse to change the times that you have them too.

And if they dont see him for a month now and again, would it matter so much. Just dont let him call the shots.

saveallmymoney · 12 February 2009 at 3:51PM

I think Pee is on the right lines, you may just have to be the grown up here.

Zazen999 · 12 February 2009 at 3:51PM

Is it better to know now, or change things nearer the time?

shellsuit · 12 February 2009 at 3:58PM

Zazen999 wrote: »

Is it better to know now, or change things nearer the time?

Exactly - I don't see what the problem is to be honest.

You haven't mentioned that any of the changed weeks are going to cause you to have to rearrange things, so I don't understand sorry...

They sound like decent people actually - it's not as if the week before they are due to have the girls, that they just tell you they can't. They have sat down, worked dates out and presented you with the dates that they can/they can't, have the girls.

Jo_R_2 · 12 February 2009 at 4:05PM

Zazen999 wrote: »

Is it better to know now, or change things nearer the time?

Of course better to know now. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate (!) that they've given me notice of their holidays, it does give us time to sort it out however we manage it.

If I'm being honest it's his attitude that riles me. As I've mentioned, he regularly asks for favours, help with changing arrangements, changing drop off and pick up times. We've tried a handful of arrangements, all working around him, and I don't object to swapping stuff here and there. I don't like his attitude when I say no or suggest another way of working round things - basically when he has to make alternative arrangements because he can't fall back on us to look after the girls if we're already busy, he starts to snap and get critical of how I do things :mad:

Jo_R_2 · 12 February 2009 at 4:14PM

shellsuit wrote: »

Exactly - I don't see what the problem is to be honest.

You haven't mentioned that any of the changed weeks are going to cause you to have to rearrange things, so I don't understand sorry...

They sound like decent people actually - it's not as if the week before they are due to have the girls, that they just tell you they can't. They have sat down, worked dates out and presented you with the dates that they can/they can't, have the girls.

I have a few issues with it.

Firstly, there are a few instances where what they've suggested won't work for us. I've seen what happens when I say this to him. It apparently means I'm a bad mother because I don't want to spend more time with the girls

I'm being awkward because I won't/can't have the girls and he has no one else to ask to look after them if his mum can't. Various little digs that whilst I can overlook, I won't lie and say they don't bother me to hear, because he knows that plenty of times I have had to cancel plans because he hasn't bothered to turn up.

Got to go actually but will be back later to explain.

Contact arrangements for DDs - ex changing them round, help!

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