Contact arrangements for DDs - ex changing them round, help!

nearlyrich

Yes it's annoying, but in the long term this will work in your favour, my ex used to just not turn up, promise things that were never delivered my two only went every other Sunday 10 till 6 and even that was too much trouble for him if he had something more interesting to do.

Your children will learn who is the parent who fulfills their needs and is consistent in their attention, if you were still together you wouldn't get a weekend off and if you work all week it's good to spend time with your children at the weekends so I never worried about him not arriving.

Don't let him see it worries you ever and as others have said at least you have had some notice.

MrsAnnie

Jo_R wrote: »

he starts to snap and get critical of how I do things :mad:

He is your EX for a reason:rolleyes: . Try not to let his little digs annoy you so much. He obviuously knows that will get to you. Take his comments with a pinch of salt and thank your lucky stars that you do not have to live under the same roof as him!!! You know what kind of mother you are..and I sure you are great...so don't allow his comments to make you feel any less of the mother that you are.

As for the contact arrangements, if they don't suit you let him know. If they are something you can work around just go with the flow...it will cause less stress for your self. I agree having to cancel plans and him then being a no show is beyond frustating but unfortunately is just a fact for many of us trying to raise children with an ex.

Jo_R_2

Further to my last post... Part of the issue being that we arrange things around their weekends, such as going out, as well as the snipey comments to criticise me if I say that a suggested change won't work for us, is the implication that any plans I *have* made are not as important as his. For example, he knows we can't afford to go on holidays, so we tend to go away for Saturday nights, or a long weekend somewhere now and again. When I explain this to him and that we've arranged it and can't change it based on the premise he should have had the girls that weekend, he dismisses it saying that it can be easily changed, "you can do that anytime" - I wouldn't dream of suggesting he changed something he'd arranged based on a weekend where he thought the girls would be with me but I'd made plans!

I do really well to not rise to it but inside it leaves me seething and angry for ages. It might not seem like much but I'm far too sensitive and I dread telling him, "sorry", because I *know* it's never going to be as simple as, "okay, I'll sort it out" from him. Which is why I hate him changing things so much - it means I get that hassle off him.

An example of what's going to come up is they have arranged a nearly three-week holiday which falls over two of the weekends they were due to have the girls. We have definite plans on one of these and possible plans for the other. My expectation - which I had to lay down a while ago - is that if he can't have the girls on his designated weekend, HE is responsible for arrangements - he is not to expect that I will have the girls just because he can't. When I tell him one of these weekends we can't have the girls, I don't know what's going to happen but I suspect he will try and leave it to me to sort something out - at the end of the day he'll have been away for a few days by then and the girls will be with me so he knows he won't have to deal with it. He has done this before - plenty of times - because he knows if he can't cover his weekends, and he isn't here to have the girls, it doesn't matter because they'll be with me anyway so I'll end up cancelling my plans and being bloody mad at him - yet again. I don't know for definite he'll do this but it's certainly not beyond the realms of possibility.

Sorry for ranting but it really gets to me sometimes how he always wants me to help him out and yet when I'm in tears on the phone, saying I need him to help out just for a night once in a year, it's a flat-out no, followed by if I "ever need help with the girls, please ask your parents first before you ask me in future."

msb5262

Hello Jo_R,
I do know exactly where you're coming from as my ex is rather similar. Basically his arrangements are important whereas mine aren't! The temptation is always to get drawn into a sniping match - but I've found that if I try not to do this, things are easier. I have all the emails I send to my ex checked first by my friends and my partner, just to make sure I'm not apologising, grovelling or rising to the bait! Being assertive and clear has worked well - although I still sometimes feel inwardly just as you feel now, my ex never has the pleasure of knowing how much he has riled me.
My main worry with my children is that while it would suit me to say,"You said you were having them this weekend, so bl**dy well have them!" this would be horrible for the children. They're not a burden although it's tiring to be with them all the time. I try to avoid their knowing anything about the fall-outs I've had with my ex over contact arrangements.
It sounds as if you're doing a really good job with all this and the children will appreciate it. For what it's worth, I would totally get back to your ex with May to September arrangements - put in YOUR unmoveable things first!

yoni_one

Jo_R wrote: »

When I tell him one of these weekends we can't have the girls, I don't know what's going to happen but I suspect he will try and leave it to me to sort something out - at the end of the day he'll have been away for a few days by then and the girls will be with me so he knows he won't have to deal with it. He has done this before - plenty of times - because he knows if he can't cover his weekends, and he isn't here to have the girls, it doesn't matter because they'll be with me anyway so I'll end up cancelling my plans and being bloody mad at him - yet again. I don't know for definite he'll do this but it's certainly not beyond the realms of possibility.

Sorry for ranting but it really gets to me sometimes how he always wants me to help him out and yet when I'm in tears on the phone, saying I need him to help out just for a night once in a year, it's a flat-out no, followed by if I "ever need help with the girls, please ask your parents first before you ask me in future."

I think there must be loads of us out here who completely know where you are coming from.

What he is saying is this -

if you need childcare on your time then you make the arrangements and do not make him your first port of call (even though he is also their parent)

if he needs childcare on his time then automatically you are it and if it doesn't suit you then you make other arrangements, either stay in or find a childminder.

Not adding up even remotely fairly is it?

However, if he thinks he is being reasonable then he should have no problem with you telling him you are going away for the weekend and so he will need to have the kids, and if he cant then he should find a childminder.

You can't enforce anything unless you have court orders directing things - and even then its not always worth the paper its written on, but when fighting your corner you can remind him that by his own rules, if he is not to be assumed or approached as your default childminder then equally you are not to be assumed or approached as his.

If he finds this unreasonable then he is shooting himself in the foot.

Jo_R_2

msb5262 wrote: »

Hello Jo_R,
I do know exactly where you're coming from as my ex is rather similar. Basically his arrangements are important whereas mine aren't! The temptation is always to get drawn into a sniping match - but I've found that if I try not to do this, things are easier. I have all the emails I send to my ex checked first by my friends and my partner, just to make sure I'm not apologising, grovelling or rising to the bait! Being assertive and clear has worked well - although I still sometimes feel inwardly just as you feel now, my ex never has the pleasure of knowing how much he has riled me.
My main worry with my children is that while it would suit me to say,"You said you were having them this weekend, so bl**dy well have them!" this would be horrible for the children. They're not a burden although it's tiring to be with them all the time. I try to avoid their knowing anything about the fall-outs I've had with my ex over contact arrangements.
It sounds as if you're doing a really good job with all this and the children will appreciate it. For what it's worth, I would totally get back to your ex with May to September arrangements - put in YOUR unmoveable things first!

I could have pretty much written this myself!

I have a mental list of things to say/not say and how to respond/not to respond. I always feel like it's me who has to be the bigger person and be open and I do help him out where I can, I appreciate there are times when things such as work and a holiday might overlap, and that's fine. But that's the thing - he's only okay and amicable if I'm agreeable to what he asks.

It's also annoying because he has been the one since he moved out to change the arrangements. Again I don't mind working out arrangements that suit him better due to work and so on, but it's never enough to change it and stick with it, he is chopping and changing what he has previously suggested as being our new arrangement. DD1 is always asking when she's seeing daddy and although she's 5, she's quick enough to know what weekends should be with daddy and which should be with mummy.

And I'm not going to apologise for saying this, but sod it, *I* need routine too! I find my depression responds really well to routine which is something I've been working with, and it really throws me to not have things organised and regular like I need them to be. It really helps me to know I get that regular second weekend to recharge my batteries. We also have an arrangement with my parents that they have them some Saturday nights (part of the care arrangements for my DDs) and him doing this also affects their plans too.

richardw

I think communicating by e mail on this subject isn't good, much better to talk about it on the phone.
To keep it simple, every other weekend should be stuck to so everybody knows what is happening. If they want to go on holiday they can go in the gap between Monday to the following Friday.

kazmc

shellsuit wrote: »

Exactly - I don't see what the problem is to be honest.

You haven't mentioned that any of the changed weeks are going to cause you to have to rearrange things, so I don't understand sorry...

They sound like decent people actually - it's not as if the week before they are due to have the girls, that they just tell you they can't. They have sat down, worked dates out and presented you with the dates that they can/they can't, have the girls.

How on earth are they decent people when they re-arrange seeing his daughters when its convenient and not when arranged? How do you think the girls must feel to be pushed around and 'fitted' in?
A pretty insensitive thing to say IMO.
MY Ex OH does this all the time, its always..."can I see her then instead of then" and never "can I see her as well as"
It drives me mad and I know it affects my DD.
I think what the OP is trying to say is that its one rule for him and another for her and shes fed up with it, and I for one don't blame her.
I would certainly have something to say to him over the matter and I like the idea of emailing them and telling them your plans from May to December :T

yoni_one

shellsuit wrote: »

Exactly - I don't see what the problem is to be honest.

You haven't mentioned that any of the changed weeks are going to cause you to have to rearrange things, so I don't understand sorry...

They sound like decent people actually - it's not as if the week before they are due to have the girls, that they just tell you they can't. They have sat down, worked dates out and presented you with the dates that they can/they can't, have the girls.

Agree with poster above (kazmc), but also the fact that he does not prioritise his time with the kids over his holidays. You know you cant go away on certain dates because of A B & C, some things can be shunted to the side in favour of a holiday.

The OP seems to object to her and the children being viewed as things that can be shunted and I dont blame her for objecting to it.

richardw

yoni_one wrote: »

The OP seems to object to her and the children being viewed as things that can be shunted and I dont blame her for objecting to it.

Exactly. If everybody sticks to every other weekend, then no shunting and everybody wins.