Contact arrangements for DDs - ex changing them round, help!

Floss

richardw wrote: »

Exactly. If everybody sticks to every other weekend, then no shunting and everybody wins.

This is all very well on paper (or screen) but in reality, the parent with care invariably gets the raw end of the deal, as they have to deal with any aftermath of changes to this pattern, or weekends when the kids are left out because the other parent "has got something arranged".

It isn't the loss of child-free time for the parent with care that is the lasting issue, but that being regarded as "second best" by your other parent that can have a devastating effect on a child's self-esteem, right into adulthood.

Believe me, me & my DS's know all about it. And both have had the issues to deal with as a result of being cast aside like a Christmas sweater.

msb5262

I agree with Floss in post 22 - the issue is the rejected feelings. Unfortunately the onus to behave like a mature adult is on the parent with main care of the children. I'm not so sure about the idea of making all arrangements on the phone; a) it's hard to remember what has been fixed and b) it's easier to state one's case or to respond calmly to an ex via email. My ex has an incredible gift of always ringing when I'm just serving dinner so to fix anything then would be a disaster.
Jo_R, I do understand just how you're feeling about all this. My ex has just had me rearrange my summer holidays endlessly to fit round his work arrangements and his new wife's newly announced pregnancy...this is arrangements for August 09 which were first fixed, at his insistence, in September 08! Keep gritting your teeth; many of us know just what it's like.

Jo_R_2

yoni_one wrote: »

Agree with poster above (kazmc), but also the fact that he does not prioritise his time with the kids over his holidays. You know you cant go away on certain dates because of A B & C, some things can be shunted to the side in favour of a holiday.

The OP seems to object to her and the children being viewed as things that can be shunted and I dont blame her for objecting to it.

Absolutely. One of the things I have said to him when I emailed him, is that would it not just be easier to make his plans around when he has the girls rather than arranging the girls around his plans then we wouldn't have this hassle?

I have long realised though that he does not think like this. Rather than an 'absent' parent, he thinks like a parent with 'absent' kids - ie because the girls are not part of his everyday life, his everyday life is that of a married man with no kids iyswim - the girls often appear to be things he can tag on around his life rather than being integral to it.

I am hoping (maybe in vain?) that because him and his wife are expecting a baby later on this year, he will come to appreciate that routine is important - it might come from the perspective that *they* need it as a new family, but it might make him realise how it impacts when he once again has a child with him full-time.

Tbh I want to get this sorted out asap - for now and for the future - as our baby is due in 5 days and I don't want to be here and there not knowing what's going on with things :eek:

DeeDee74

ahhh i know what u mean to my ex changed dates and times to suit what he's got planned too isent fair really but lke another poster said theres not a lot we can do about it..
my ex has had the children for one nite since xmas even though he's ment to have them over nite every other weekend. and yes it annoy's the hell out of me when he expect me to change my plan's to suit him.
chin up hun totally see why u are annoyed..
dee x

skintchick

I don;t know if this would work or just make things worse, but can you say that the weekends were arranged already and that if he cannot have them on a weekend he is supposed to then that's fine, but he cannot then have them on a weekend he was not supposed to? ie he misses out on seeing them.

I know this is hard on the girls too but might it be the short sharp shock that he needs?

My friend did this with her ex (her son doesn;t like ebing sith his dad nayway though) and he soons topped messing her around.

It does depend on the people involved though, and the children.