Renovations and Repayments II: New Year, New Start, New Diary.
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Thanks all.
Beanie: parenting does seem like a life long learning curve. Once one thing is 'mastered' it no longer matters as the child has grown beyond that milestone. :eek:
PositiveBalance: I think I am approaching the difficulties with my son in the wrong manner. Currently struggling to keep things together over this as I've immediately jumped to me being at fault for his behaviour. Have been over analysing my actions around him and choosing not to speak to people beyond absolute necessary communication as I do not want him to base his communication with others from my communication with others. Keep having recurring thoughts before sleep about him turning out like me. I'd do anything to prevent that.
There's a lot wrong with this world, unfortunately. I remember my mother saying when I were a boy that as we approached the new millennium nobody would assume a lady to be a company secretary and a gentleman to be a company director. Father believed as the new millennium approached there would no longer be talk of wage disparity. He also thought there would be no real borders between countries leading to greater economic prosperity and vast opportunities to trade around the world. However, my mother grew wanting nothing other than to inherit the family farm which she knew from a very young age would be passed to her brother with her parents hoping she would marry a nice young farmer from a nearby village and father's family were effectively economic migrants. In contrast, my school peers were largely very traditional.2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000 -
PositiveBalance: I think I am approaching the difficulties with my son in the wrong manner. Currently struggling to keep things together over this as I've immediately jumped to me being at fault for his behaviour.
That seems to be a bit fairer to yourself, Alex. Remember, Master LK is his own person with free-will, so he is going to make decisions for himself sometimes - for good or for bad.Have been over analysing my actions around him and choosing not to speak to people beyond absolute necessary communication as I do not want him to base his communication with others from my communication with others. Keep having recurring thoughts before sleep about him turning out like me. I'd do anything to prevent that.
Hmm...this is sad to read. I think your self-esteem needs a bit of work, Alex. Fundamentally, you strike me as being a decent man. I don't think I would have got on as well with the 'old' you, but I have always admired your ability to take criticism on the chin, weigh it up and respond accordingly, changing your behaviour if necessary. You have had quite a few different life experiences since you started your diaries on here and they have rounded your character immeasurably. Your son could do a lot worse than to turn out like you, although naturally, like us all I'm sure you would only want to pass on the 'best' bits of yourself. If you make the odd blip, so what? We all do! Perhaps the best thing you can do is show Master LK how to mop up a mess you make so that he knows how to do so in the future. That's an invaluable life skill. I doubt acting unusually around him will help you to do that, though.
I still stand by what I said about the difference between as accidental and intentional faux pas, though.There's a lot wrong with this world, unfortunately. I remember my mother saying when I were a boy that as we approached the new millennium nobody would assume a lady to be a company secretary and a gentleman to be a company director. Father believed as the new millennium approached there would no longer be talk of wage disparity. He also thought there would be no real borders between countries leading to greater economic prosperity and vast opportunities to trade around the world. However, my mother grew wanting nothing other than to inherit the family farm which she knew from a very young age would be passed to her brother with her parents hoping she would marry a nice young farmer from a nearby village and father's family were effectively economic migrants. In contrast, my school peers were largely very traditional.
Alas, we are somewhat behind your parents' optimistic viewpoints, although I find it interesting that you mother didn't get the farm she so badly wanted. Perhaps this informs her views of property inheritance and passing on the buy-to-lets to you, somewhat? (And purely 'cos I'm nosy was marrying your father something of an act of rebellion? Was he considered a poor match for your mother from your mother's family or was he deemed 'acceptable' despite him presumably not being a boy from the village?)Debt: £11,640.02 paid in full! DFD: 30/06/20
Starter Emergency Fund (#187): £1000/£1000
3 month Emergency Fund (#45): £3300/£33000 -
Managed to have a nice day at work but a difficult evening. Not slept well due to thinking about what I could do differently and how I can present better examples to my son. Mrs. K. just thinks he's growing up a bit, pushing boundaries. I think I'm to blame and he's inherited too much from me and not enough from his mother. He seems to be developing judgements of others and I'm not sure why.
I've not ever felt anxious around my son but driving from work to pick him up this evening, I did. I suppose I want him to know nothing of difficult situations and was dreading news he was caught up in another. I know it is unrealistic to will him to not fall out with anyone nor ever get hurt. My wife tells me I need to accept he will get himself into difficult situations and my parents tell me I have failed to discipline him properly and he should be scared of me at such an age. Mother and father are convinced he's going to grow to be an addict or suffering with a mental health problem due to my "liberal" parenting. I'm terrified that I'm failing him at the moment.
Managed to forget about things for a bit or so and accompany my son's set works that he will be playing for his music exam.
PositiveBalance: Thank you. Ultimately, I don't like myself and don't want to end up with a situation where my son follows my lead and grows up to dislike himself.
As for accidental faux pas, I seem to have a bit of a problem with saying things people take a dislike to. To some it seems my presence is enough for them to decide they dislike me. Don't want this to happen to my son.
Re. my parents. Mother grew up in a very traditional household with no hope of being passed the family farm as it was (still is) passed from father to son. I know she still resents this even now. I'm quite sure mother's family would not have considered her marriage to father "acceptable". They both didn't care for expectations and were more concerned with making money than any notion of what they "should" have been doing. My mother especially believes people put themselves into positions and pigeonhole themselves which is why she dislikes parents bringing their children up in poverty as she considers they have chosen that path.2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5001 -
Alex why are you discussing the situation with your parents, Did you think you would get good advice and support? I would say their views are stuck in the past but my grandparents and even great grandparents didn't hold such harsh views - I'm guessing from your past comments that corporal punishment is the answer in their opinion. I'm not sure why your parents views even feature in any of this, is it because you want to blame yourself for everything and they like to join in with that.....2022 MFW 67 - 33 month challenge to clear mortgage, month 17 completed and and extra 2 knocked off 🙂MFI3 No.120
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Managed to have a nice day at work but a difficult evening. Not slept well due to thinking about what I could do differently and how I can present better examples to my son. Mrs. K. just thinks he's growing up a bit, pushing boundaries. I think I'm to blame and he's inherited too much from me and not enough from his mother. He seems to be developing judgements of others and I'm not sure why.
He's developing judgements of other because he is a separate entity to you - his own person indeed - and is beginning to grow up and realise other people do and think things differently to him. At the moment he thinks everything he does/knows and that his family knows/does is the 'only' way to be. Along with every other person in the world as we have all gone through this. This can get worse as he gets into teenager mode where the family ideas have less bearing and he thinks everything he knows/does came entirely from him and gives no credit elsewhere. The values he has been shown will remain in there though. Most people begin to get their rough edges knocked off as they get mid/late teens and into twenties. As you get older again you realise there is more and more grey and less and less pure black and white and you become more tolerant again.
Everyone does this to a greater or lesser extent depending on their own personality.I've not ever felt anxious around my son but driving from work to pick him up this evening, I did. I suppose I want him to know nothing of difficult situations and was dreading news he was caught up in another. I know it is unrealistic to will him to not fall out with anyone nor ever get hurt. My wife tells me I need to accept he will get himself into difficult situations and my parents tell me I have failed to discipline him properly and he should be scared of me at such an age. Mother and father are convinced he's going to grow to be an addict or suffering with a mental health problem due to my "liberal" parenting. I'm terrified that I'm failing him at the moment.
I'm sure your parents have somewhere in the back of their minds the damage they inflicted on you when they constantly berate you for your perceived failings but I reckon he will survive a liberal upbringing a hang of a lot better than an excessively strict household where it is looked on as not only normal but actually desirable to be scared of your parents. A healthy respect for their authority yes, but scared ? I would have thought not the best way to bring up a fully rounded individual.PositiveBalance: Thank you. Ultimately, I don't like myself and don't want to end up with a situation where my son follows my lead and grows up to dislike himself.
it's not inevitable that he ends up disliking himself. One way to help him like himself is to give him a bit of confidence in his own judgement and abilities and the tools to get along, on at least a superficial basis, with all walks of life as that's who he is going to meet on a daily basis in his life. It sounds as if you are aware of the benefits of this and are trying to do this with your lad. I reckon we don't have to like everyone we meet but decent manners help us along with the tools to be pleasant and civilised. By that I mean being pleasant, saying good morning and passing a word and just generally not being a @ick rather than the type of knows-the-correct-fork manners.As for accidental faux pas, I seem to have a bit of a problem with saying things people take a dislike to. To some it seems my presence is enough for them to decide they dislike me. Don't want this to happen to my son.
Have you never walked in a room or seen someone on TV or in real life and just taken an instant dislike to them? We are all hard wired to pick up on little things and decide quickly about strangers. Sometimes we get to know the person and overcome this feeling, sometimes getting to know them confirms everything you thought. I tend to believe I can't do anything about how an individual will perceive me on this level therefore if I can't do anything about it then I don't worry about it. I feel I was given some of this inner confidence from being raised in a household where I was under the surface loved but on the surface told how to behave in a way that took into account the feelings and belongings of other people, got teased and laughed at but most importantly laughed with, had to do things I didn't want to/didn't get everything I wanted but I certainly got everything I needed. (I just mean there that every little tiny thing wasn't met with gushing praise and adulation in the way we sometimes act nowadays with kids, to get praise you earned it and it felt all the better for it giving an inner confidence).
like NG, I reckon you and your folks do not have many places where you meet in regard to bringing up children so I would advise you not to ask them for advice if you are unsure about litllek. Go to Mrs k, your cousin or anyone else that you know that has a child about his age. Even better if you can speak to someone who has had more than 1 as they will have a better perspective. Keep as much info about issues from your parents so they can't stick their oar in and undermine anything you have decided on. Any unasked for advice should go in one ear out the other, visualise that shield and let it slide over you. Do your own thing in concert with Mrs k and above all remember he is him, he won't be exactly like you or exactly like mrsk, he is himself and has to go through life as himself so concentrate on giving him tools he can use instead of showing him flagellation and self abuse moaning that everything he does is entirely and completely your fault.Re my parents. Mother grew up in a very traditional household with no hope of being passed the family farm as it was (still is) passed from father to son. I know she still resents this even now. I'm quite sure mother's family would not have considered her marriage to father "acceptable". They both didn't care for expectations and were more concerned with making money than any notion of what they "should" have been doing. My mother especially believes people put themselves into positions and pigeonhole themselves which is why she dislikes parents bringing their children up in poverty as she considers they have chosen that path.
They didn't care about their expected course of action, they did their own thing. Can't you just tell them (in your own mind) you are going to do the same and they should back off? Their beliefs don't HAVE to be your beliefs. Take the best of their example and use it, discard the aspects you don't like. We all tend to do this when we grow up and see our parents as people instead of just parents and we can see their sacrifice, their influence on us, their good points and the points we don't agree with. Littlek will do this in his time too.
Hope this helps in a small way
Daisy xx2022: 3🏅 4⭐ 2023: 5🎖🏅🏅 🎖🏅6 ⭐⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion. Take hold of every moment - anon I'm a clutterbug butterfly 🦋 The difference between what you were yesterday and what you will be tomorrow is what you do today Well organised clutter is still clutter - Joshua Becker If you aren't already using something in your home, you won't start using it more by shoving it in a cupboard- AJMoney0 -
Alex, stop beating yourself up
Your son repeated something his grandparents said, not something you said. Maybe you should see that their influence is what caused this not yours. I am sorry to say but I feel they are a toxic influence in your life and also in your sons life.
You are a changed man and we have seen that change through your diaries. You are an excellent father. Do not let this incident change your new perceptions and new beliefs. Keep on loving him and showing him how he should think and behave- which is very different to how your parents think and behave.
Hugs0 -
Red-Squirrel wrote: »Oh dear, sounds stressful! Did you apologise for your flippant comment at the time?
Alex, I'm sorry to press, but you haven't answered this question and I think its quite important. The best way you can teach your son how to treat others well is to set a good example.
At this stage I don't really understand why you see or talk to your parents at all. Yes they are old, yes you want your inheritance, but they want to hit your child and want you to hit your child! Would you have anything to do with anybody else who dared to tell you to hit your child? They are also passing ideas to your son that you really don't want him to internalise or to share with others.0 -
Child starts to grow up.Managed to have a nice day at work but a difficult evening. Not slept well due to thinking about what I could do differently and how I can present better examples to my son. Mrs. K. just thinks he's growing up a bit, pushing boundaries. I think I'm to blame and he's inherited too much from me and not enough from his mother. He seems to be developing judgements of others and I'm not sure why.
Child pushes boundaries.
Bad outcome for child.
Child reflects and learns lesson.
It really is that simple Alex. How do you teach your pupils (and son) to play musical instruments? Do you say 'watch me then play perfectly' or do you teach them to listen, observe and practice over and over again? It's part of growing up to say rude things, intentional or otherwise (
I still remember my son saying 'look mummy, there's a fat lady we can talk about when we get home' when I tried to teach him what not to say in front of others :rotfl:).
You've st a fine example for your son in so many ways, one little slip doesn't change that. Your parents however set an appalling example and I don't know why you persist in exposing Little LK to their poison
. Anyway, if their way is 'the right way' to bring up children how come it led to you being such a failure in their eyes? Could it possibly be they got it wrong? A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort Mortgage Balance = £0
"Do what others won't early in life so you can do what others can't later in life"0 -
£250 overpayment made. Pleased to have made another overpayment. Not really going to miss £250 at the moment, so trying to make sure this happens every month.
Thank you all. Lots to think about there. Not been well today, unfortunately. Far too many dark thoughts running through my mind.
NG, I don't really know why I involve my parents, to be honest. However, I don't really speak to many other people.
Daisy, I'm finding it difficult when he behaves in a manner I deeply regret. Don't want him to make himself ill one day. It's happened once as far as I'm aware and I am very anxious about his future. Mrs. K. thinks this is ridiculous and she's not happy with me.
I've, over the years, taken an instant dislike to an awful lot of people. However, that doesn't mean to say I think this is the right way to behave and I've tried to move away from doing so. Not really sure why I cannot be liked by others, to be honest but I'm not. In some situations I don't have to say a word and had a few people tell me they're surprised I'm not a complete [insert insult of choice] if they are forced to spend time with me for one reason or another. Surely, it's understandable for me not to want this to happen to my son?
Debs, I love my son dearly and just want him to develop meaningful friendships with others.
Red Squirrel, I didn't apologise. With regard to my parents I care about them and they see no one else. They both love my son dearly, I am sure of that but think they are right.
Gally, I hadn't considered that. I think the whole affair has caused anxiety to rise and I've not really thought about it in a logical way.
My parents often wish to see my son. My son and my father often work on one of the model railways or bake together. With mother he spends time outside with the dogs and helping her to cook. It's nice to see them together when my parents aren't frustrated with him as they can be sometimes. I suppose it's nice to see them making time for him. 2018 totals:
Savings £11,200
Mortgage Overpayments £5,5000 -
Red Squirrel, I didn't apologise. With regard to my parents I care about them and they see no one else. They both love my son dearly, I am sure of that but think they are right.
Oh Alex why on earth not? You said something that upset somebody, you knew it upset them and you didn't apologise? This is the old Alex not the new and more thoughtful Alex! Apologise now, its never too late, even if you meant no harm, harm was done and its ok to admit that. Apologising is a sign of strength, not weakness.
I know you care about your parents, but you can care about somebody without letting them have so much influence and control over your life. Especially when they are so toxic and such a bad influence on your son. They don't do your mental health much good either do they?
Are you in any kind of counselling at the moment? Its been an eventful and stressful few months, it might not be a bad idea if you aren't.0
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