Do relationships work when one is wealthy and the other is in debt??

Don't forget your parents are at a different stage in a relationship than you sound to be.

Finances have changed over the years, women work and earn their own cash and we live together without marriage and children much more than our parents and grandparents did.

I think you should talk to your OH and compromise. If he wants to spend his money on junk then that is his choice at the moment. I was shocked that my OH spent 600 pounds on a camera but he got it reconditioned and saved himself loads but 600 pounds is a lot of money to me. If OH and I marry and have kids then I expect our finances to merge more.

When I first met my OH, he earned significantly more than I did, and obviously in the early stages of our relationship, we always kept our money seperate, paid our own way, and paid our own debts etc.

When we got engaged, a few months down the line, we got a joint bank account, despite the fact that he still earned more than me and that my debts were higher than his, meaning I was contributing far less to the pot than what he was, but he was happy with this and said it would even out over the long term.

Now, I only earn about a grand less than him and come Christmas, and then next July, I will earn significantly more than him and will do so for the rest of our careers. I have asked him several times if this bothers him, and he couldn't care less, he isn't one of these men who thinks that only he should be a breadwinner which is quite refreshing.

I am quite glad that once we knew we wanted to be together forever, there has been no 'thats mine, thats yours' attitude, we are in it together, everything is shared.

He just leaves me in charge of everything money and trusts me not to waste it

As many others have expressed here, I think it really depends on your own perspective and pride around finance, and the type of relationship you're in.

I personally prefer to keep all my finances to myself, but then I've never been in a very serious relationship where I would contemplate anything else.

My mum and dad, on the other hand, share everything. Money doesn't belong to any one person, regardless of who earned it; they have one joint bank account, joint savings, everything - it's irrelevant to them where it comes from. They don't have any of their 'own' money at all, as they don't ever see it as belonging to either of them as an individual.

I think that's partly the culture they grew up in, partly their relationship (completely 'what's mine is yours' in every sense), and partly that neither of them sees money as something that should ever be a barrier in their relationship, so personal pride around who earns it just isn't there.

Completely the opposite of me - but then I'm probably too independent for my own good!

Fascinating topic, though, and some really interesting replies.

KiKi

I think that money can be an issue in relationships but money is not the issue.

Bear with me - I know that doesn't make sense!

Some people find it really hard to empathise with people in a different situation to themselves, and they need an intensive training course! Their problem can show up in the area of money but money itself is not the problem. Their unwillingness to put themselves into someone else's shoes is.

Some of us have a lot of pride and don't like to feel that we're "sponging" or obligated in any way if they take more than we give in financial terms - but a relationship is so much more than a financial quid pro quo.

Some people just can't give wholeheartedly. This will be as true emotionally and sexually as it is with money.

My hubby paid the lions share of everything for ages when we first got together because I was a student but I painted the walls, sewed the curtains, fitted our kitchen and cooked him meals - and I did it all with just as much love as he paid for stuff with!

If he wanted me to come on a trip he understood enough to know I couldn't afford to keep up with him financially - and he paid for me. He found ways to buy me things and send me on Spa Days in preparation without offending my pride.

Previously I'd had a boyfriend who had an earthernware jar in the kitchen stuffed with £50 notes (and this was in the 80s - cos I'm old!) If I needed to get a cab home while he was sleeping because I had a class, or I needed to buy booze or food for the meal I was cooking us I was told to take money from there.

He said he didn't want me to ever feel I had to ask him for money, or for money to ever be an issue between us. If I needed anything EVER and I couldn't afford it I was to take money from there. That money was mine for the use of. End of.

To begin with I felt a bit like a !!!!!!

After a while I realised that this was his way of never having to have any disruption because he had loads more money than I did. He'd had all the rows before and this was his way of dealing.

The actual money itself was unimportant to him but all the feelings and unpleasantness it caused had killed off relationships for him in the past - so he'd come up with a solution.

It wasn't ideal, but the fact that he'd tried to solve it counted for a lot with me. I decided to see the money not as him paying for my needs but as him paying for his own need for less friction in a relationship- and for me to look nice and be by his side at all those expensive events - and we were together for quite a while.

Ooh I'm feeling all nostalgic all of a sudden!

Love Jacks xxx

How interesting is this thread. It's great to see people being so open about money in their relationships, even my closest friends don't reveal as much. They look horrified when I tell them that me and hubby don't have a joint bank acount.:eek:

When we met 10 years ago he earned 5 times more than me and paid for a heck of a lot. I moved into his home and apart from buying groceries every now and again and maybe the odd weekend away he paid for everything. For about 5 years (OMG I sound like sucha sponger).

Anyway in 2002 we got a joint mortgage and I paid 1/4 of it, plus water/gas/electric, food and cat food etc. In 2005 I got a promotion and started paying 1/3 of the mortgage. I also seemed to have more disposable income so paid for a number of holidays. Including flying to NY 1st class for our 1st wedding anniversary.:T:T:T

By 2007 He was only earning 2 x my salary. Girl Power - I'm catching him up!:j:j:j

But in December I decided to quit my job and go freelance. I am now SKINT. But we both agree I chose to quit so I am just about managing to pay my mortgage/bills with the freelance work I've managed to find.

WE almost never argue about money - we're both pretty laid back about it I guess. At the end of the day I think it depends what your deal breaker is. My OH is funny, clever, kind and very very understanding. So the fact that he hasn't got his credit cards on O% :mad::mad::mad: and never shops around for the best price:mad::mad::mad: can be forgiven I guess.

Sorry about the long post.:A