Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

beanielou · 8 May 2018 at 7:23PM

Glad you have survived school

Always difficult after a break up.
I seperated from my DH 22 years ago & still yet have the if only's :eek: (Not often!)

apple_muncher · 8 May 2018 at 8:28PM

Well done on getting through everything today. Hope you sleep well tonight.

AspiringButAnxious · 9 May 2018 at 9:50AM

Glad things are going well

and if anyone deserves sn unproductive day, it's you!

I suspect dh is upbeat because this is a relief for him, as well as you. I don't want to make assumptions about how he feels, but it was a difficult and fraught situation for him, too. Perhaps moving out has given him space to sort out his thoughts a little. He may have felt burdened by the sense of responsibility -- though his behaviour may have made it seem like he didn't care, depression makes you feel incredibly useless, hopeless and guilty. While we tend to think of relationships and family as sources of support, which is true, they can also feel like a burden when you have mental health problems. It feels like you're not living up to your side of the bargain and it takes its toll.

You are probably better positioned to help dh as a friend, rather than a wife. He needs to take responsibility for himself and learn that he is strong enough to manage his mental health in the long term. You can provide help and support, but you couldn't continue to give so much of your time and energy that it affected your wellbeing.

Have you tried explaining to dd that dh's depression makes it hard to communicate how he feels? I think that's true of a lot of men in general -- they connect more easily with sons because they think they have more in common and can relate to them. It becomes a bit of a self-perpetuating thing, because it means they are more likely to spend time with their sons (eg going to football coaching/matches), which makes them feel more connected.

It's the same with me and my dad: I'm convinced, most of the time, that he prefers my brother because they do more stuff together (golf, skittles, watching/talking about various sports). My mum claims otherwise, which makes sense because my brother is a **** most of the time! I soend more time with my mum, which I suppose balances it out.

Maybe tell dd that while it's difficult atm, her dad needs support from all of you. As you say, a couple of minutes together can make a huge difference. If she feels she can't express herself in person, maybe she could write or make a card for her dad? Nothing too full-on -- a simple "thinking of you" is perfect. I think it's important for both dd and dh to keep the channels of communication open, without forcing the issue.

Sending you happy vibes

crazy_cat_lady · 9 May 2018 at 9:23PM

:grouphug: Beanielou, Apple, ABA - Thank you all for such kind words. I am trying to be kind to myself and accept the good days and bad days as they come, but I'm so impatient and want everything to be ok. I genuinely want my husband to move on and be happy, and I am pleased that he's doing well at the moment. It is definitely the best thing for both of us - even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. DD did stay and see him for a while yesterday although she insists it was really awkward. I said it's just new and she needs to get used to it - the same as I do. No news from him today - which is fine. I have had a very busy day and too much to do to think much about it...

It was Parents Evening tonight, so I was in work until after six. I was non stop all day - used my frees to get caught up on more work that I'd missed last week and then straight into speaking to parents. By the time I got home it was almost 7pm, and I had arranged a meeting with a lovely lady who is going to look after the cats for me at the end of the month. She was here until about 8pm and by then I was too tired to be bothered making dinner on top of the other jobs, so I caved in and ordered takeaway. I am annoyed that I lost my nsd, but I am also trying to be kind to myself, and whilst it is an excuse to say I was too tired to bother, it's the truth and there's nothing I can do about it now. I have gotten chicken out of the freezer to make sure there's something quick and easy for dinner tomorrow so I don't fall into that trap again - just need to decide what to do with it.

I've done the usual little jobs - washing, bins are out etc. but I think that I might be too tired to bother with any crochet tonight. I just want to go to sleep. I've felt less tired today than I was yesterday, but I got way less sleep last night... Now I've stopped I've hit a bit of a wall and am just desperate to go to bed. I have clean covers on tonight and it's always lovely to get into bed with clean bedding.

nmlc · 10 May 2018 at 6:38AM

Morning everyone

I hope you don't mind me posting, but I've read your thread and was always interested to read your posts from before.

I just wanted to say you shouldn't be so hard on yourself about not being able to make your marriage work, there's 2 people in a marriage and 1 of those people can't continually put all the effort and work in whilst the other doesn't bother - it has to be a joint and equal effort. It show's completely how committed and what a good wife you were to stick it out for so long, trying to help - in the end he made the choice through his actions.

You did your utmost to keep the marriage together but as I said one person can't do all the work.

I haven't meant to offend anyone, this is just my thoughts.

Keep safe and well x

nmlc x

crazy_cat_lady · 10 May 2018 at 7:01PM

Hi nmlc - I appreciate your kind words, and am not even a little bit offended. It's very kind of you to say those things.

I've had a really busy couple of days at work, and it feels as though I've never been away - everything there is back to normal. Lots to do, feeling very tired etc etc. Usual issues with Year 10 behaviour, but today I've remembered why I do the job I do, and am feeling quite a bit better in myself.

My dad phoned me at lunchtime. Apparently my husband went to bed on Tuesday night, and my dad hadn't seen him since. I genuinely can't understand how someone can go from feeling so great to that level of crushing low in such a short period of time as overnight. I told my dad at least half a dozen times to ring 111 and ask for help. As of 6pm he still hadn't done that. I really need this all out of the way now - husband out of my dad's house and getting the help that he obviously is in desperate need of. I have googled rapid mood swings, and seem to think that his behaviour fits with borderline personality disorder. Still, I'm not a psychiatrist - I just need somone to take the situation seriously. However, my dad is an adult, and I made the decision that I couldn't help my husband any more so my dad now needs to make that decision as well. If I have to I will get involved again but I'd rather not.

In other news, I've bagged another nsd and I've also managed to make a healthy meal out of the chicken - fried it with onions, courgettes and mushrooms and it's been lovely. Way cheaper and better for us than a takeaway.

Bank balance looking very scary and still 3 weeks until payday. Boo hiss.

beanielou · 10 May 2018 at 8:44PM

My bank balance id truely dire too

wishingthemortgaheaway · 10 May 2018 at 10:24PM

beanielou wrote: »

My bank balance id truely dire too

Mine too... stupid cars!!!!!

natsplatnat · 11 May 2018 at 8:11AM

crazy_cat_lady wrote: »

I have googled rapid mood swings, and seem to think that his behaviour fits with borderline personality disorder.

My first thought was 'bi-polar'. Again, no doctor/psychiatrist but my SIL is b-p and has amazing high and amazing low moods. Sometimes the swing between the two is gradual, sometimes it almost changes overnight.

Hope you have a great day CCL! x

AspiringButAnxious · 11 May 2018 at 10:53AM

Regardless of whether dh has bpd (which, as you say, can only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist), depression by itself can cause huge drops in mood. It's easy to get caught up in a negative thought spiral, so that a small setback seems to confirm all the negative beliefs you have ever held about yourself anc your expectations.

Unfortunately, mental health problems tend to cause and exacerbate other problems so there is plenty of evidence to support negative thoughts and beliefs. In my own case, it's easy to confirm that my life is !!!! because my mental health has (both directly and indirectly) affected my finances, ability to find and keep work, physical health, weight, perpetual singledom, lack of social life, etc. It can be hard to find positives when you are surrounded by so many problems, even if other people think the positives are obvious.

You feel like a massive burden on everyone and believe it would be better for them if you weren't here. You feel like you don't deserve help and support, because you are a horrible person. You think you don't deserve opportunities because your problems are "proof" that you are a failure and therefore destined to always fail. This is why depression (and other mental illnesses) has such a firm grip on people -- even those of us who have found the motivation to help ourselves and attempt to manage our mental health.

I'm glad dd decided to see him. No matter how awkward it felt, it's important that dh realises his kids love him and want him in their lives. Otherwise the situation becomes more "proof" of his negative beliefs ("I'm worthless", "nobody really cares about me", "I've failed as a parent"). He needs reassurance right now, because I suspect he is unable to reassure himself.

While he's not your responsibility, you will always have a connection because of your kids and it's important to let him know his role in their life is valued. That they (and you) want him to be able to manage his mental health, if/when he can, and live a fulfilling life. It may feel pointless to keep reiterating those messages, but he needs to hear them because the messages in his own head are overwhelmingly negative and unsupportive. It may be frustrating to keep encouraging him to get help when he seems to ignore you, but there's a chance the message could get through: that he deserves help, deserves a better life.

Try to remember that his symptoms are not intentional, even if they sometimes feel like a personal attack on you and/or the kids. His refusal to get help is a symptom, too. Protect your wellbeing first and foremost, but realise that he is suffering and it's not his fault. It can be hard not to judge and make assumptions (I'm guilty of this, despite my loooong history of anxiety, depression and bpd), but that just makes the situation worse. When his behaviour is upsetting, remind yourself that he's doing the best he can in this moment. We all do the best we can in any given moment and sometimes our best is self-destructive and hurts other people, but we don't intend to be hurtful.

Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning

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