MONEY MORAL DILEMMA: Should Janet pay for John?

skylight · 13 December 2006 at 12:12PM

Having been in Johns situation, you feel like crap.

I dated a city finance director (the kind of guy with several cars and a porchse just for city driving.......) and we got on great. We were perfectly suited - although at the time I was a single Mum with a little girl (my eldest was 2ish and her Dad and I had seperated at that point - as it turned out for 3 years).

I was viewed by his friends/family and other work colleagues (his and mine) as a gold digger - the fact I took nothing from him made me mad! But he was a little more considerate than Janet and didn't force me to go to expensive restaurants so I could pay my way (I was a good girl then with very little debts!!) But he did natuarally pay for most things. Things got silly when he offered to start paying for my petrol to come and visit him.

Despite the fact that we were very well suited and got on like a house on fire, the pressure we both faced from family members about "different worlds" (!!!!!!!! the only difference was money) We lasted about a year.

Its not just the relationship - but perceptions of those around you. And that can be the biggest pressure (not just the pride thing!)

kit34 · 13 December 2006 at 12:18PM

i think john should take janet to see what he does for a living then maybe she will understand why her spending that much money on a meal is hard for him to accept given he works with people who are very poor ,

coolpaprika · 13 December 2006 at 12:52PM

How did they meet? They must have something in common for the relationship to get to this point. How many times have they been for £100 meals?
Perhaps it's a case of she keeps him going and refreshed so he can go back to the harrowing task of being of real help to those in need. We all give & take in relationships. There must be something that each is offereing the other & the money's getting in the way because it's taken on a diproportionate importance.

On the other hand she may be using it as a power tool. Let's hope not

Pandora123_2 · 13 December 2006 at 1:38PM

John should ask himself WHY he feels uncomfortable with letting Janet pay for expensive meals. If it is because he thinks fine dining is "wasting" money or goes against his ethics and what he believes in, then he should ask himself if he is comfortable sharing his time with a person whose values perhaps do not match very well with his own. OTOH, maybe Janet and John DO share similar values, and Janet's restaurant splurges are an exception to her normally selfless and giving spirit (certainly her willingness to treat John is evidence of this!)

If John is uncomfortable because he was brought up to believe the man should look after the woman in a relationship, then he has to decide if perhaps it is time to discard stereotypes and enjoy the unconventional relationship on the terms it is being offered.

John could reciprocate by spending TIME (rather than money) cooking Janet a meal in his home. So while the £100 restaurant meal represents (say) three hours' wages for Janet (after tax), John may spend three hours cooking a delicious meal for Janet. Either way, they can enjoy each others' company and as long as they are both comfortable with this arrangement, more power to them! It is difficult enough finding nice people to share your time with, without worrying about who pays for what.

Gearoi · 13 December 2006 at 2:10PM

Any logic applied to dinner should apply to the house, the kids' clothes, the school that the kids go to (private maybe), and basically ALL spending.

skintmostofthetime · 13 December 2006 at 2:31PM

A compromise is called for here - SHE takes him to places she likes but in turn must accept that HE will take her to places he likes - this will either solve the problem or end it

scotsbob · 13 December 2006 at 5:13PM

He told her he is uncomfortale, she doesn't listen to him, time to ditch the !!!!!

sablade · 13 December 2006 at 5:28PM

compromise or split, or he should enjoy her generosity, how can he expect to be the traditional man in the relationship if he earns little money, they to me dont really sound compatible and |i think this is the tip of the iceberg with cracks starting to form

oreges · 13 December 2006 at 6:26PM

As its early days in there relationship I think its too early for John to impose his will on his new love. Go with the flow untill such times as it becomes a barrier between them and then decide what road to take.

boblevin · 13 December 2006 at 6:32PM

I think this very much depends upon the individual personalities involved. In principle I think it is fine for Janet to pay for John. There is a possibility that a little further down the line this could become contentious to either one or even both. So, if either feel a little uncomfortable now, they should either have an honest discussion now and at least agree (give each other permission) to look at the "issue" again without guilt or recrimination. Or, if either party feels that it is an issue NOW that in the longer term will cause the relationship to end in tears - best let it end soonest.

MONEY MORAL DILEMMA: Should Janet pay for John?

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