MONEY MORAL DILEMMA: Should Janet pay for John?

sheenaf

I know of several relationships where the woman is the big earner and happily subsidises her man while he pursues a career in a caring profession, is still a student, a musician or artist. The only real problem that crops up is when they decide to (or accidently) start a family. Even with today's so called equality SHE must have the baby and at least some time out of work if she is going to feed it herself. Very few women have enhanced maternity benefits and some of the big finance houses etc. are really mean to pregnant employees who lose out on bonuses and promotions. A couple like John and Janet could find themselves with a new baby and total income cut to a quarter of what they are used to. How will they pay the mortgage?, council tax? Insurance? Car Taxes?
In reality what happens is that sensible couples, where the woman is the big earner, postpone having children until eventually it is too late. Very Sad.

Mics_chick

As with anything in a relationship communication is the key...

The first thing that you have to take note of is that they are attracted to each other regardless of what they do for a living. He might work for a charity but he knows that he's going out with someone with cash to splash so he shouldn't make her feel guilty for that - or he shouldn't be with her in the first place!

John has tried to say he feels uncomfortable about Janet paying for him. I think that he should surprise her with a freebie type romantic day out like a walk or bike ride in the country and pay for lunch in a local pub or a visit to the beach and pay for fish & chips. Then over their 'meal' he should explain how he feels again - he understands she gets pleasure from fine-dining but occasionally she should allow him to reciprocate by cooking her a meal or paying for her at a restaurant he can afford so that he feels he is repaying her in some way. If she still pushes aside his feelings as though they don't matter then he should dump her cos I don't think she's interested in him as a person.

Likewise if he refuses in an activity that she wants to share with him because she gets alot of pleasure from it and she's happy to pay for that reason if he refuses to go then she should reconsider why she's with him too.

Principles are one thing but they're not something you beat other people over the head with - everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint. He should be clever enough to know that just by hanging around with him she's likely to change her opinions to some degree because he can show her through his work. Also just because she's got a well paid job and likes to spend some of it on herself doesn't mean she hasn't got a social conscience or doesn't do anything for charity.

JimOllerhead

I earn 3 times what my partner does and if I suggest sgoing out for a meal and she says "I can't really afford it" then if I am keen to go I say I'll pay.... if she is able to she ALWAYS 'pays her corner' when out such as buying every other round etc. but I have got the cash to spare so why not enjoy life while you can with someone you love? You are a long time dead.

Lady_E

John - enjoy the times you have with Janet regardless of who is paying.

Janet -stop using him to make yourself feel better about your social conscience! If you want him, start listening to him,respecting him and understanding him.

skint&demoralised

If she invites him to a meal which she knows is beyond his financial reach of course she should pay. Further in this day and age he should be able to accept graciously and without guilt:beer:

katypetal

If she wants to pay let her, as long as she doesn't throw it back in his face that she's always paying! like someone I used to know

flying_teddy

Janet is being a little inconsiderate of John's feelings, probably without meaning to, and John should learn to accept the generosity of others with good grace - something it took me far too many years to do. If this skill is achieved, everybody is happier. In this case, John should suggets that she spends £100 at one of those posh take aways - the ones that supply pate de fois gras and jugged hare etc, the stuff that Janet obviously likes - and delivers to your door. They, together, should then take that carefully chosen food to where John works, and distribute it to the inmates as a gift from Janet. She will then get an inkling of John's point of view and hopefully, if they they can both make their respective mental leaps, they can move forward. Also together.

UKMale

giverny wrote:

Can I have Janet's phone number ?

My sentiments exactly but seriously this relationship cannot really go forwards without John comprimising his position and becoming hypocritical;I really believe that a couple have to be on the same level(or at least fairly equal) as regards background and income.

westernpromise

I have always earned more than my dates. Well actually there was one exception - I once dated a high-class call girl who estimated she earned a net £130,000 a year. If she'd been paying tax she'd have needed a headline salary of about £200,000 to achieve that, which is a fair bit more than I was on.

Anyway, in the other cases, to begin with, the person who did the asking out would pay. About two thirds of the time, I'd asked her out, so I'd pay. I'd then graduate to letting her pick up the bar tab before we move on to dinner, so she's contributing a more-than-token something; and once you're able to 'fess up to what you actually earn, then the split would be in proportion to that. So if I'm making 3 times as much as her, then the bills get split 3/4 to me 1/4 to her.

One point that may be relevant is that quite frankly, to a single person on £100k+ a year, the cost of eating out is completely insignificant. It is quite difficult to spend so much on your social life that you feel it's getting hard to afford. The only time I really noticed what eating out and drinking were costing was when I joined an online dating agency and went out with about 15 women in only 6 or 8 weeks. If you're doing that, it can add up a bit. Thank God there was no Zuma in 2002...

Janet's taking home about £5,000 a month. She isn't going to notice £100 here and £200 there on restaurants. assuming she doesn't have a drug habit, her biggest outgoings, in order, are likely to be

1/ shoes
2/ clothes
3/ makeup, and
4/ hair

with her social life trailing in a long way behind in terms of cost.

kentishexile

Simple solution for John. First he should marry Janet, then divorce her, claim 50% of her salary, pension, and other assets, and then he'll be on a par with her. Of course she'll no longer be wanting to take him to a restaurant then, but think of all the money she'll be saving, and how happy Martin will be!!!

Cynical? Moi? Noooooooooooo