MONEY MORAL DILEMMA: Should Janet pay for John?

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This week's Money Moral Dilemma


Janet and John are at the early stages of dating. She's earning a six figure city salary, he's works for a homeless charity. She loves fine dining, so books top restaurants which can cost £100 a time and insists on paying as she knows he can't afford it. He feels uncomfortable with this, but when he broached the subject of going elsewhere she replied, "nice restaurants are my hobby and I want to share it with you, i know you love the food." Where do they go from here?

Click reply to enter the money moral maze

Please remember, be polite to other MoneySavers, even if you disagree with them


Also read last week's MMD: Would you lend to a friend in need?

PS. And just to confirm this is an entirely hypothetical situation. Each week in the email I will be asking those questions. And yes, the lack of detail, the phrasing, all of it is deliberate to envoke debate (nice debate too). Enjoy the money moral maze.


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Comments

  • justtoclarify_2
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    If the gender was reversed would this dilemma even be considered?

    If Janet or John invites the other for a meal, then the person doing the inviting should be prepared to pay for both regardless of venue.

    John should be happy that although Janet prefers fine dining that she is happy to pay for her preference. It would be false for John to insist on paying "his" share if it was beyond his means.

    Anyway bottom line paying for things is not a competition, if you are in receipt of genuine generousity, be graceful and say thank you. If possible find some reciprocal activity that you enjoy that can also be shared.
  • meher
    meher Posts: 15,910 Forumite
    Combo Breaker First Post
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    MSE_Archna wrote:
    This week's Money Moral Dilemma


    Janet and John are at the early stages of dating. She's earning a six figure city salary, he's works for a homeless charity. She loves fine dining, so books top restaurants which can cost £100 a time and insists on paying as she knows he can't afford it. He feels uncomfortable with this, but when he broached the subject of going elsewhere she replied, "nice restaurants are my hobby and I want to share it with you, i know you love the food." Where do they go from here?
    Everyone has self respect and my belief is that integrity certainly shouldn't be questioned. He wouldn't be the kind who would really enjoy his meal when it fetches the kind of exorbitant bills consdiering he works with people who are not too privileged in life. Perhaps John could tell her that his chosen career is to work for the homeless and it doesn't justify when he has a meal at such fine dining places. I should think it's perfectly reasonable to ask of her to share his interests in life too. They could either cook a meal together at their place or go out wherever he could afford to pay.
  • giverny
    giverny Posts: 27 Forumite
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    Can I have Janet's phone number ?
  • N9eav
    N9eav Posts: 4,742 Forumite
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    If Joh is genuine then there is no problem. Janet will just enjoy sharing her wealth with him and enjoy the company and whatever else.....;)
    If John takes it for granted and becomes a leach, then well ... he well may find himself looking for a new date
    NO to pasty tax We won!!!! Just shows that people power works! Don't be apathetic to your cause!
  • BFG_2
    BFG_2 Posts: 2,022 Forumite
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    Ditch her.
  • BFG_2
    BFG_2 Posts: 2,022 Forumite
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    Does Janet have an even richer sister for me?
  • zena2105
    zena2105 Posts: 148 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    I think John should be man enough to let Janet pay, but Janet should also allow John to take her somewhere not as expensive, you can get a good meal without having to pay silly prices.....compromise is the key.....:beer:
    Reclaimed thanks to this site: £2596.71
    :eek::hello:
  • merdekaorang1125
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    The ability to graciously accept an expensive gift while in the position of not being able to respond in like manner is extremely difficult. Where it is given with affection and no strings one would be churlish to decline. The disparity between occupations is really not an issue, I think. However, John may well be correct in pointing out to the lady - as he may well have done already - that he feels uncomfortable in this position. She can then make the decision to accept or decline John's approach to dining expenditure. If she is not willing to do this I would be questioning the reason for non-cooperation which, of course, leads one down the path of considering why it is too onerous for Jane to share equally. So I might dump her.
    Waddle you do eh?
  • BertDavey
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    I think the moral dilemma isn't really a dilemma. Its part of the dynamic of their relationship and you need to know far more about each personality to suggest anything.

    For me however, John should accept this generosity with gratitude, and perhaps even enjoy something he would not otherwise be able to. Janet should be mindful of his feelings, but if she can afford to treat him, i can understand why she would see it as strange to choose maccy d's over posh nosh.

    Not on this kind of extreme, but i know many people who earn quite different salaries and everyone behaves differently. Some put the difference away for a rainy day and they live according to one persons means, others freely share the wealth and let their loved ones enjoy the fruits of their labour.

    Pride in ones efforts is a good thing, pride to the point of spiting yourself is a bad thing. IMHO.

    Rob
  • kruss
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    john and jannet are clearly quite different people while he cares for people in need, she wastes money on things that are unimportant.

    So in my opinion being a similar type of person to john this type of relationship will not work. He needs to find someone else whos none materialistic and puts others before themselves like he does.

    The whole reason i look at this website is because i try to do exactly that and £100 for a meal.....................I could easily eat for 6 weeks on that.
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