Stumped

don't ask her on her birthday!!! then she will always remember her birthday as the time she had to tell you!

Rex_Mundi wrote: »

My dads name is on my birth certificate. The guy I always thought was my dad. He died many years ago in 1974. He was the father to my next two brothers down. I know this now but it was a shock to find out he isn't my dad. He asked my mum never to let me know about my past. He did not want me to feel different from my brothers.

The man who brought you up and loved you is your dad - anything else is just blood.

Mojisola wrote: »

But that doesn!!!8217;t mean a person shouldn!!!8217;t be interested in finding out about their genetic family connections.

Interest is one thing, denying your real family is rather different. (Not to suggest that the OP is doing this but others seem to be encouraging him to think like that with all the comments about his "real" dad.)

My situation is similar, but different. I was brought up by an amazing stepmum, knowing she was my stepmum and assuming that my natural mum was dead. Not so: she died last year, and I only found out about her due to being a beneficiary in her will. I have two half sisters and a half brother that I knew nothing about.

I'm lucky because my stepmum has been able to fill in some of the blanks; I suspect that she's withholding a lot of information. My dad is refusing to discuss the situation full stop. He's a quiet man, who had a difficult life in many ways, and he's stubborn. If I try to talk to him, I can see the flash of pain or perhaps anger in his face and he walks away. I have never been angry with before, but I am now, even though I do my best to keep it hidden. The relationship I have with my half sisters is best described as difficult; one will have nothing to do with me at all, and the other leads me a merry dance. Sometimes she's wonderful, and sometimes she's a complete horror: I frequently feel as though I'm walking on eggshells. None of us have contact with the half brother.

The problem is that I have questions; a real craving for knowledge that is not going away. It's ridiculous things such as having to complete a medical questionnaire which included questions about any history of cancer; I have answered that question with 'unknown' a dozen times without a problem, but suddenly it gets to me. I have times where I feel resentful and angry because I could have spent time with my natural mum, and got to know her properly. I struggle to understand why this is important to me, because I didn't miss out in any way: my stepmum was and is superb, but I do feel as though something has been stolen from me. I'm bitter about the situation I have with my sisters and my brother, even though I know that I probably have a rose-tinted image of how I think it would have been if we'd had contact when we were children.

I suggest that you list as many questions as you can, and see if there is anyone else who could perhaps answer them for you; an auntie, an uncle or a close family friend perhaps. If not, I think you will have to tackle your mum, but it's important to be as understanding as you can, and to try not to apportion blame, even if you want to: I wanted to, even though I knew it was irrational. One thing I did realise was that as soon as I got an answer to one question, it would trigger another six to try and find out the detail.

Good luck. I hope you find out what you need to know for peace of mind.

comeandgo wrote: »

I think you do have a right to know who your dad is and your mum must have known this day would come.

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Post #2 - I thought there were more.:o

I don't read that as the genetic father being the 'real Dad'.

One of my grandfathers was a step-parent and it's taken me ages to find out who our genetic grandfather was but he's not 'real' in the same way as the man who was there and part of our lives.

I'm still pleased to have found him and have been able to trace his family further back - they may not have been part of our lives but we do carry some of their genes.