Stumped

Rex_Mundi

I am 53 and just found out my dad wasn't my dad. I learnt this from someone I grew up with in the same street I grew up in. Apparently they all knew.

My mum confirmed this although I never asked her more.

I know it hurt my mum to talk even so far but I feel I have a right to know the truth. It hurts me to ask her anymore about it but I feel I have a right to know the truth.

I am split so difficultly. I want to ask her the truth but the last thing I ever want is to hurt my mum.

Am I wrong to bring it up with her? How do I do this without hurting my mum?

comeandgo

I think you do have a right to know who your dad is and your mum must have known this day would come. Could you write her a letter, and she may be able to write back explaining things, the written word is sometimes easier than having conversations.

Grumpelstiltskin

Who is named as your father on your birth certificate?

If your mother was married at the time her husband would be named as your father unless she told the registrar different.

Rex_Mundi

comeandgo wrote: »

I think you do have a right to know who your dad is and your mum must have known this day would come. Could you write her a letter, and she may be able to write back explaining things, the written word is sometimes easier than having conversations.

I feel I write better than I speak. I'm thinking in this instance that I need to speak face to face. That worriea me!

Rex_Mundi

My dads name is on my birth certificate. The guy I always thought was my dad. He died many years ago in 1974. He was the father to my next two brothers down. I know this now but it was a shock to find out he isn't my dad. He asked my mum never to let me know about my past. He did not want me to feel different from my brothers.

AubreyMac

Do your brothers now know? what is their reaction?

PeacefulWaters

Face to face conversation.

Respectful of her position.

Request honesty.

Don't judge.

Seek to avoid anger.

Seek to reaffirm love for your mum.

Not necessarily easy. But probably the best way.

BrassicWoman

There are a lot of reasons why your mum may not have told you; some ok, some really not so ok, and dredging up things she wishes hadn't happened.

I think it would be wise to reflect on this and say nothing for a few weeks; decide if you really want to know if it is one of the not so good reasons, or if it will be more comfortable to live with all possibilities open.

Blood means very little to me. My family is based on people's relationships with me. I have relatives I will never speak to again and friends I consider closer than blood.

Be sure what you are giving up in your pursuit of knowledge. I'm not saying don't do it; I'm saying don't act in haste and repent in leisure. Let your emotions calm down a little before you act.

just_trying

Agree with brassicwoman, there could be a very valid reason you've just found this out and the people who brought you up didn't want you to know. Your dad's the one who brought you up. You've had a dad, maybe not biologically but he's been there. The saying bloods thicker than water means nothing.

Rex_Mundi

Thank you all of you.

I have known about this for a couple of months and sat pondering on it. This is an issue now becauae I am planning to meet mum soon. I made her a vase for her birthday and want to meet her to give it to her next week. One years work on this one. She deserves no less.

My brothers know. It makes no difference to them as me. They will always be my brothers. It scares me I might have other brothers and sisters I don't know about. They may be my siblings but I don't know them.

Mum told me that my proper dad lied to her in the sixties and was already married. He left her pregnant alone. If I'm honest, I want to punch him for treating my mum and me like that. We deserved better.

Thanks to mum and my dad (who I always thought was my dad). I was brought up well.

Flugelhorn

there are probably a very large number of people in your situation from that sort of time - many however don;t and may never know.
There may have family jokes about who does and doesn't look like their siblings / parents etc but that is usually where it ends.

There are lots of people on the genealogy / DNA forums who do the tests and discover that their full siblings are suddenly only half sibs or there are other unknown half sibs appearing from elsewhere. can be very tough but some people find comfort in knowing the others in their "new" families.
Some bravely find the bio-fathers .. often who didn't a)remember the mother b) hardly remember the event - some are delighted to find they have a child and welcome them, others are horrified and refuse to meet.
Important thing is that you consider your family to be who you want it to be