Made A Terrible Mistake

Mylife · 20 August 2018 at 4:43PM

Hello guys, I have been away on holiday and could not log in. I am grateful for all the advice.
smodlet I do not hold any power over the baby but am trying to be practical, I realise at the end of the day it will be me and the baby alone. He has his family and can never be in our lives properly.
Comms69 you are right , he has to put his name but I'm hoping he agrees with me putting my name instead. Its not ideal but I am trying to protect him , I do not want his children finding out.
Twinkletoes , after the good advice I got, I have accepted that it is important that he play a part in the baby's life. If you read my posts, initially my decisions were based on panic, fear and embarrassment.
Savvy Sue I cannot tell the wife, I know the truth is best but unfortunately sometimes its kinder to say nothing. I cannot ask him to tell her as he might think I want him to leave her. Also we have to think of the kids.
Polly thank you for your sound advice ,I am glad I asked strangers for advice, its not easy to talk to family given the circumstance.
Anna1976 i truly appreciate your kind words.

my family have been great although I think my mum is hiding her disappointment. My sister has offered to come with me for the first scan. Unfortunately because I sort of hinted that it was a one night stand, they (family) think I am completely alone hence wanting to accompany me to appointments. I cannot tell them that he wants to come as well, that will just create more questions.

gettingtheresometime · 20 August 2018 at 6:02PM

The trouble with telling half truths is that at some point further half truths or even complete lies have to be told, just to keep the pretence going - been on both sides of the fence of that particular story & it's not nice, especially when it's people who you love and love you.

DrivingMissDaisy · 20 August 2018 at 8:24PM

How long before a thread "My baby daddy wants to be in my life but I have a new man in my life"

Savvy_Sue · 20 August 2018 at 10:31PM

DrivingMissDaisy wrote: »

How long before a thread "My baby daddy wants to be in my life but I have a new man in my life"

I think the next one will be "his wife found out and threw him out."

OP: I'm not suggesting you should tell his wife. I'm suggesting HE should do so. You can make it clear that you don't want him moving in with you before he does so.

You think you are protecting the innocent, but you and he are engaging in half-truths and as gettingthere has already said, these things have a habit of coming out.

He's deceiving his wife and family. You're deceiving your family. You're deceiving yourself if you think this is going to last. Presumably you'll attempt to deceive your child as well.

It'll end in tears.

Margaret52129 · 22 August 2018 at 11:18AM

I have sat here for the past hour reading these posts.

One thing that I can say with certainty, is that no-one can predict the future of how this, or any, event will ever turn out.

My sister had a child with a married man who was a neighbour with 2 children, she pretended it wasn't happening! The father and family moved away without (?) knowing. 2 years later she had another child with someone else, un-named.

Two years later she met a guy, they fell in love, married and had 2 children together. He adopted her two children and brought them all up as his own and all his large family accepted them as his. They had 43 years of happy marriage until he sadly died 2 years ago.

I say all this because you never know how things will work out. Just do your best, be honest to yourself, and if you do not want certain things to be known, ie, the father being a married man, then don't tell anyone.

What's happened has happened and cannot be undone, it isn't the first time anything like this has happened, and it certainly won't be the last.

I always say there's a reason why things happen, good or bad, you might not know why it does at the time, but at some point in the future you realise why it did!

Babies are precious and can cope with any life they are dealt with because they know of nothing else - it is others around them that can destroy them.

I applaud you Mylife in your openness and wish you the best of luck in the future.

harrys_nan · 22 August 2018 at 1:33PM

Well. I have to say I have changed my mind about you, I did say I thought you were selfish in not wanting to involve the baby's dad, this was down to the fact I didn't know my dad as my parents divorced when I was very little. After reading all of your posts, I can kinda see where you're coming from. Although I never knew my dad, I always grew up knowing about him but time was very different when I was a kid.
I still hope he has some involvement in the baby but I guess you must do what right for you, just please do not shut the door totally on him having any contact. Good luck with everything

Smodlet · 22 August 2018 at 4:43PM

Mylife wrote: »

smodlet I do not hold any power over the baby but am trying to be practical, I realise at the end of the day it will be me and the baby alone. He has his family and can never be in our lives properly.

You "do not hold any power over the baby"? Are you real? You hold complete and absolute power over it and you are the only one who does. At the moment you hold literally the power of life and death over it as you could still opt to abort it. When are you going to wake up and take responsibility for your actions? This is not only your life you are messing around with. Do you ever think of your unborn child? God help it.

Savvy_Sue · 22 August 2018 at 11:15PM

Margaret52129 wrote: »

I have sat here for the past hour reading these posts.

One thing that I can say with certainty, is that no-one can predict the future of how this, or any, event will ever turn out.

My sister had a child with a married man who was a neighbour with 2 children, she pretended it wasn't happening! The father and family moved away without (?) knowing. 2 years later she had another child with someone else, un-named.

Two years later she met a guy, they fell in love, married and had 2 children together. He adopted her two children and brought them all up as his own and all his large family accepted them as his. They had 43 years of happy marriage until he sadly died 2 years ago.

I think not telling anyone who the father is CAN work out OK if the father is off the scene, completely, utterly, not around - or completely unacknowledged. Why I think the OP's situation is heading for disaster is that the father IS around, and WANTS to be involved. Which again, CAN work out OK if there's honesty and transparency.

But what I see ending in tears is the situation where he's around - maybe not very much, but he sees the child periodically, wants to support mum etc. But his wife doesn't know. His children don't know. The OP's family don't know.

How long before someone works it out?

While this child is a baby, maybe it can work. But babies grow up. If the father is still 'involved' there's going to be a child who knows who his father is, but cannot acknowledge him or be acknowledged in public. If there's a chance meeting between the OP with child and the father with his family - need I say more?

fibonarchie · 23 August 2018 at 11:45AM

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I think the next one will be "his wife found out and threw him out."

Or worse, his wife found out and smacked her one!

https://metro.co.uk/2018/08/23/furious-wife-punched-cheating-husbands-mistress-outside-school-gates-after-discovering-affair-7873851/

Better book a ring-side seat for that one

It'll end in tears.

Yup..

gettingtheresometime · 23 August 2018 at 11:49AM

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

While this child is a baby, maybe it can work. But babies grow up. If the father is still 'involved' there's going to be a child who knows who his father is, but cannot acknowledge him or be acknowledged in public. If there's a chance meeting between the OP with child and the father with his family - need I say more?

If there was contact between the child & the father I'm guessing the true relationship would never be acknowledged and the father would simply be passed off as a friend of Mum's.

Made A Terrible Mistake

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