Sexless Marriage

Butterfly_Butterkins · 16 April 2018 at 4:30PM

Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

Your thoughts pls

RD42 · 16 April 2018 at 4:38PM

Butterfly_Butterkins wrote: »

Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

Your thoughts pls

Yes, it's fine.

pearl123 · 16 April 2018 at 4:47PM

Why should it matter if strangers think it's ok or not?
It's your opinion which counts! Your having a relationship with him.
Are you happy about it?

lika_86 · 16 April 2018 at 5:04PM

If it is discussed and agreed between two partners who are aware of what's going on, then yes.

If done in secret without the other party knowing or having had a chance to object, then no, massive betrayal of trust.

Gavin83 · 16 April 2018 at 5:09PM

I think both parties are to blame here. His mistake was not discussing his issues and going behind your back. Your mistake was withholding intimacy, which is actually considered a form of abuse now and believing that he should just get on with this.

On the face of it your relationship seems a prime candidate for counselling as the communication has clearly broken down.

BrassicWoman · 16 April 2018 at 5:36PM

as long as he was being safe and it came out of his money, it wouldn't bother me

Pollycat · 16 April 2018 at 6:25PM

Butterfly_Butterkins wrote: »

Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

Your thoughts pls

Is it OK with you?

It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Mojisola · 16 April 2018 at 6:28PM

Butterfly_Butterkins wrote: »

He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago.

He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

It would be worth trying some counseling - would you consider doing for him what he's paying a stranger for?

Marvel1 · 16 April 2018 at 6:50PM

He cheated on you and was caught.

Cheeky_Monkey · 16 April 2018 at 6:59PM

Butterfly_Butterkins wrote: »

I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

I just wish he!!!8217;d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i!!!8217;d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

Your thoughts pls

I would have thought it was pretty obvious what was lacking in his life. As you were the reason for it, I'm surprised that you needed telling.

I expect he also wishes that you had sat him down years ago to explain why you were unable to have any form of intimacy with him!

Personally, it think it's ok for him to be doing what he's doing and, frankly, most people wouldn't blame him.

System · 16 April 2018 at 7:00PM

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think both parties are to blame here. His mistake was not discussing his issues and going behind your back. Your mistake was withholding intimacy, which is actually considered a form of abuse now and believing that he should just get on with this.

I agree. Your choice as to whether you remain celibate or not but your forcing the choice on your husband.

Your choice as to whether you are willing to put up with it, like its his choice as to whether he is going to stay in a sexless marriage.

Or of course, you both could carry on burying your heads in the sand.

Sexless Marriage

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