Sexless Marriage

nobile

Were you really none the wiser after 7-8 years of no intimacy?

I don't blame the guy. I'd have been after explanations after a few weeks once recovered from the surgery!

waamo

Butterfly_Butterkins wrote: »

Hi, long time lurker but now need advice/opinions. This isn’t something I can speak to close friends/family

Married 19 years, last 7/8 years no sex. Is it ok for the ‘frustrated’ partner to visit sex worker?

It came about when a condom fell out of bag. He said he’d used it for sex because he hadn’t had any form of intimacy from me for years. He goes for b***job/hand***** and has only had penetrative sex a few times.

I guess the reason for lack of intimacy was because we were not able to have children and I started having menstrual probs and had a hysterectomy just over a year ago. He says i fulfill him 95% of the time, we have a good life, no money worries, have a lovely house etc

I just wish he’d sat me down properly years ago to explain what was lacking in his life. If i’d not seen the condom, i would be none the wiser

Your thoughts pls

I never knew you had to provide your own condoms. That surprises me a little, I would have thought they would have been provided.

z1a

waamo wrote: »

I never knew you had to provide your own condoms. That surprises me a little, I would have thought they would have been provided.

I believe they are provided then the pro. knows they haven't been tampered with.

waamo

z1a wrote: »

I believe they are provided then the pro. knows they haven't been tampered with.

Why am I suspicious at him providing his own?

Doodles

I think this is now a perfect time to have a deep conversation with your husband, and assess your relationship and what you both want from it.

No intimacy for 7/8 years is a very long time, and yet you use the word frustrated in quotes, almost as though you are surprised.

Of course there are times in life such as illness, recovery time from operations or things like that which stops intimacy for a while and that's normal.

But any couple in love would naturally want to be physical with each other, so what's your reason? Has he tried to discuss with you?

Miró

Gavin83 wrote: »

...... withholding intimacy, which is actually considered a form of abuse now......

Abuse! Good grief...is this actually true???

elsien

Mir! wrote: »

Abuse! Good grief...is this actually true???

Not in and of itself, no.
When used to control or manipulate, then possibly. Which doesn't appear to be what's happening here, from the limited information given.

Alikay

How do you feel about it OP? If you and your DH can both accept it, and he's using protection I don't see that anyone else's views are important. Personally, I couldn't accept it - that side of our relationship is not something I'd be happy to delegate. I do think that after 7 or 8 years of abstinence, it'd be difficult to restart the intimacy without it seeming very awkward, though. You've only been married 19 years, so I guess you're both quite young for celibacy - it's very sad if one person still wants a sex life and the other doesn't, and hard to see a workable compromise.

Fireflyaway

I suspect this happens more often than we imagine. Sex is important for some people and if it were me, I'd prefer my husband to go to a sex worker than cheat. With a prostitute it's just business. Seems He loves you and its just the sex that he misses. He told you but would have been better if he told you rather than being discovered. I
I'm shocked that a poster here said a lack of sex is abuse! Nonsense. You are not deliberately withholding to control him. What about the many elderly or disabled people who love their partners but can't have sex?
I would be concerned about health. Yeah condoms are good but won't stop things like lice, warts, hpv that just need skin to skin contact.
As the others have said it's what works for you guys that's important.

GlasweJen

Withholding all forms all sexual contact as hinted at in the OP is counted as a form of coersive abuse these days. Obviously it's not abusive if it's a mutual decision but if someone is holding all the cards and refusing all sexual contact and their partner can't seek out contact elsewhere it is abusive. Even disabled people can have sex, it's not an excuse to not even attempt at having any semblance of a sex life for 8 years and not even ask your partner what he's feeling or how he's coping with it.