Sexless Marriage

suejb2

My thoughts.

No way will a sex worker accept a client bringing their own condoms!

The menstrual problems and hysterectomy are irrelevant regarding the mechanics of giving a bl#w j#b and h#nd j#b. Not sure why I added the ## in there, the words don't look so hard, pun intended!

It doesn't sound like either of you have 'sat down' to discuss each other's point.

Like others have said, what strangers on a forum think is irrelevant. You'll always get a varied response, for and against. What suits me may not suit A. N. Other. What matters are yours and his feelings.

NeilCr

Gavin83 wrote: »

And others have agreed with me. Besides for it to be a correction they have to be right, which isn't necessarily the case. Withholding sex can be a form of abuse, that's a fact, the only debate here is if that's applicable in this case. We really don't have enough information to go on currently but it is clear her partner does still want a sexual relationship.

I struggle to believe they haven't discussed this at all during the 8 years so until she comes back with more info we'll just be in the dark.

By the sound of it "banned from bed" looks like withholding sex may have been part of the control in this current case

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/04/16/controlling-girlfriend-first-woman-convicted-new-domestic-abuse/

Not in any way saying that this is the same as the OP's situation.

I can't say I am particularly surprised that the matter of lack of sex hasn't been discussed by OP and her husband. I think that this happens more than we believe in relationships. It sort of drifts along and, after a while, no-one actually wants to raise the subject.

takethemon

After 7/8 years I am not surprised that he feels the need to go elsewhere.

pearl123

takethemon wrote: »

After 7/8 years I am not surprised that he feels the need to go elsewhere.

Some people when they age no longer feel like sex. Particularly, women who hit the menopause. Likewise, men can of course have some issues too!

hollydays

Gavin83 wrote: »

And others have agreed with me. Besides for it to be a correction they have to be right, which isn't necessarily the case. Withholding sex can be a form of abuse, that's a fact, the only debate here is if that's applicable in this case. We really don't have enough information to go on currently but it is clear her partner does still want a sexual relationship.

I struggle to believe they haven't discussed this at all during the 8 years so until she comes back with more info we'll just be in the dark.

Que? You are taking nonsense

Gloomendoom

hollydays wrote: »

Que? You are taking nonsense

It made sense to me.

hollydays

Just to reiterate for those who always like to take the ( predictable and boring) stance that dv does not exist/ is exaggerated ( usually people who have been accused of do themselves).

Withholding affection / sex on its own own is not a proof of domestic violence / coercive control.

As a pattern of behaviour with other behaviours it can be.
Hope this puts you straight.
However if you would like to provide a link from a respected source that says withholding affection on its own is coercive control, I would be delighted and amazed

Mela322

You talk about no sex for 7-8 years and caught your husband cheating but where do you want the marriage on a whole to go? You don't say how you feel about sex now or that you want to try and fix the issues that are on your side. I get the impression that you are ok with him having sex elsewhere as it gets you off the hook.

What is a marriage without intimacy if there isn't a genuine reason that you can't be intimate? I would die inside if my husband went elsewhere. Even if you're not up for sex, why not make him feel special with kissing and cuddling and then, um, yeah, going to town on him?

pelirocco

Its only OK if you are Ok with it OP
But to be honest it sounds like a line that someone comes out with when they have been caught out but dont want to admit they are in the wrong . If lack of intimacy is a problem for him , then he is responsible for discussing this with you and hopefully sorting it out . If you still dont want that, then he has to make the decision whether to stay or go , there is no excuse for cheating on you behind your back .....It isnt your fault

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Can you see yourself ever having sex with him again? If he asked tonight, would you be happy and excited and enjoy it? Or would you push him away/say no because it's what you've done for years/be tortured by the thought that he's done it with other people?

Could you see yourself seeking help from a therapist and being able to enthusiastically make love with him?

Could you see yourself trusting him when he's late home from work? When he gets a text message and then goes out?


If not, you're going to have to make some decisions.

His desire to have sex is natural - it's an important part of relationships, both emotionally and physically - but if you've done nothing as a couple to address it, it's going to be hard for him to come to terms with the lack of intimacy. I'm not saying going to a sex worker or having an affair is right or that you should submit and stare at the ceiling, but whilst your physical and emotional need to not make love has been met, his physical and emotional need to make love hasn't.

What you have to decide is not whether he was right and you were wrong (or the reverse), but whether you are able and willing to accept what has happened and make changes. If you can do that, great, and if you can't, that's fine, it's perfectly understandable.


The only thing you cannot do is try to pretend nothing has happened or that the fault lies all on one side or the other. It's happened, he's been found out, you know there's an issue that has been unaddressed for years - you must decide what you are able or willing to do, whether it means staying together or splitting up.