What do you do in this scenario?

swingaloo · 13 January 2014 at 10:27PM

meritaten wrote: »

doesn't quite jibe with the way she has behaved since - depends on whether the boy started bragging before or after her mum reported him to police doesn't it?
it doesn't sound right to me that this boy was making her life miserable at school so she only then told her mother she had slept with him? I could be wrong of course. but it really doesn't explain her present behaviour.

her mum reported the boy to the police on the day it happened. she had gone looking for her as she hadn't come home from school and a friend told her she was at this lads house. She found that he had actually had sex with her in the bedroom of his house with his parents full knowledge. They said they thought she was 16.

MrsE_2 · 13 January 2014 at 10:27PM

fluffnutter wrote: »

Not sure if it's just me but this reads like your neighbour's main issue is how to avoid being fined by the school. Hasn't she got bigger things to worry about??

That's exactly what I though, the small fine really is pretty unimportant in the great scheme of things here.

double_mummy · 13 January 2014 at 10:40PM

swingaloo wrote: »

a rational answer.

there probably isn't one that she can vocalize now it took me until i was 22/23 before i could actually explain why i behaved like that

kids dont just randomly turn bad there is always a reason

swingaloo · 13 January 2014 at 10:42PM

MrsE wrote: »

That's exactly what I though, the small fine really is pretty unimportant in the great scheme of things here.

Probably just the way I explained it, both mum and dad are concerned about the daughter, the fine doesn't come into it for them. Its just me putting it wrong.:o

meritaten · 13 January 2014 at 11:22PM

swingaloo wrote: »

her mum reported the boy to the police on the day it happened. she had gone looking for her as she hadn't come home from school and a friend told her she was at this lads house. She found that he had actually had sex with her in the bedroom of his house with his parents full knowledge. They said they thought she was 16.

that makes sense. The boy then started bragging about his 'conquest' because he was in trouble and in his mind it was better to make HER out to be a 'slag'! what a to$$er!

She then gets a lot of flak in school so is happy to leave there - but its MUMS fault! in her 13 year old mind all this wouldn't have happened if mum hadn't reported him!
Poor mum! she is now getting punished by her daughter behaving in a way she knows is abhorrent to mum. (but I bet she isn't really, she is prob wandering around bored out of her mind but determined to make her mum crazy).

So sad - this needs professional help, I still feel family counselling is the way forward, your friend needs to know what is behind this behaviour and her daughter needs to know exactly WHY her mum, as she sees it, betrayed her and caused so much upheaval in her life. (she is thirteen - she isn't a child but she isn't mature enough to understand her mothers motives).

nearlyrich · 13 January 2014 at 11:28PM

swingaloo wrote: »

. Im not condoning physical punishment as such but it cant be disputed that since the option was taken away for schools and parents we have become a country littered with a large number of uncontrollable adolescents.

Quote working again

I think that some parents don't want the hassle of dealing with a child's behaviour issues it's too much trouble after a day at work so they just let them get away with bad behaviour and some kids take advantage more than others. I know teachers who never have issues with bad behaviour in their lessons because they don't allow a cocky kid to take control.

Errata · 13 January 2014 at 11:28PM

in her 13 year old mind all this wouldn't have happened if mum hadn't reported him!

Surely the point is that she was shagging her brains out at 13 years old. That doesn't come out of the blue, and it's exceptional behaviour for a 13 year old. What led up to it?

meritaten · 13 January 2014 at 11:40PM

Errata wrote: »

Surely the point is that she was shagging her brains out at 13 years old. That doesn't come out of the blue, and it's exceptional behaviour for a 13 year old. What led up to it?

Possibly this boy seducing her? then she gets all this '!!!!!!' hitting the fan!
yes, she could have been a 'good girl' previously, but at 13 how many girls have a crush on a boy? in this case it happened that it resulted in sex. most girls are lucky in that their 'crushes' aren't even aware of them. This kid was unlucky - think he recognised that 'crush' and took advantage of it.

Richard53 · 14 January 2014 at 12:13AM

Those who think that an out-of-control child is automatically the result of bad parenting obviously haven't met many teenagers. Everyone is different, and that includes kids. I know children who are incredibly obedient and conventional, despite being brought up by do-as-you-please hippy parents, and a family close to me has two completely normal teenagers and one who is wild, uncontrollable and difficult (and she's the middle of three, it's not even youngest child syndrome).

In the Middle Ages, we would have reckoned that the child was changed at birth by fairies, so different are they from the parents and siblings. But really it's just that people vary, and some people, even from a young age, have a different motor going. Sometimes it's very hard to deal with, and I have a lot of sympathy for the parents here. I haven't a clue what I would do in their shoes.

ostrichnomore_2 · 14 January 2014 at 11:37AM

I don't think it's fair to automatically fair to blame the parents either. Some kids just ARE 'bad' for no good reason - and the fact that these appear to be perfectly normal people who have raised two other children without these issues, seems to show it isn't their doing. That doesn't mean the child is 'BAD' either - just for some reason this is how her thoughts have led her to behave. could be poor examples from peers, could be frustration at being 13 and wanting to be 18, could just be a little madam.

Unfortunately kids this age don't have a very rational side you can appeal to, normal punishments haven't worked (and it sounds as if the parents have done a lot to try and manage her behaviour), and I think it's very unrealistic to expect one parent to give up their job.

Can the parents try to get her into a PRU (Pupil Referral unit) instead of a mainstream school? This type of kid is exactly what they are for.

She's also just reached the age that Connexions will work with her, or the parents, or the family as a whole. They really can help with these difficult kids. they are not just about education and careers but sexual health, relationships etc.

What do you do in this scenario?

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