What do you do in this scenario?

swingaloo

A neighbour of mine is having terrible trouble with her 13 year old daughter.

She's drinking, smoking, bunking off school, sleeping with lads etc.

My neighbour has taken her privileges away, spoken to police and social services who in turn have spoken to her daughter but nothing seems to work.

Today she has walked out of school, not for the first time and gone missing for several hours. Now the situation is that the school are going to fine my neighbour but she personally takes the girl into school each day before she goes to work. She simply walks out part way through the morning then the school ring to say she is missing.
As my neighbour says - she will get the fine but there is nothing more she can do other than go into school for the day and stay with her which is not possible.

There are numerous issues with her behaviour, she is not an only child and the others in the family are totally different behaviour wise.

Once the girl is in school is there no onus on the school to ensure she stays there. I'm not condoning the girls behaviour at all but it seems wrong to be fined for non attendance when she is actually escorting her daughter into school each day.

She has turned up home tonight after having her phone off all day and said she has been round a nearby town all day and ' wont be going to school tomorrow either'.

She is not allowed to go into another town nearby as this is where she was having underage sex with an older boy and the police have told her that 'if they see her in ===== she will be picked up and arrested'. Obviously trying scare tactics on her but nothing is working.

Any words of advice I can pass on please?

CustardAndPickles

No real advice to give, but I did want to point out that actually, if your neighbour's daughter is known for having underage sex, depending on what they know etc etc, they could look to take her into protective custody (a "Public Protection Order").

mrcow

Your friend needs to call up the school and ask for a meeting between her Head of Year (or significantly appropriate member of staff), the pupil and the parent.

Why is she walking out of school? Is she being upset there? Does she have friends? How are they managing her? Is there anyone responsible for her to whom she can go to if she's feeling that she needs to get out?

It's no good the school just chucking it back at your friend. They need to take responsibility for their side of things too. She's 13. They can't just let a 13 year old in their care walk out and go off to some random town.

(I'm a teacher by the way before anyone thinks I'm "school-bashing".)

swingaloo

Thank you for the replies. as far as the school goes, she has just changed schools. The last school she was at was where she was seeing this older boy who was taking her home and sleeping with her. He then told all the school and made her life a misery as her mother had reported it to the police.

She changed schools 3 months ago to go to one where a lot of the friends she sees out of school go. She always has friends calling for her and seems to be quite popular but as her mother says 'She does what she wants, when she wants'.

She has actually told her mother that the new school is loads better than the other one and she is glad she changed. But she also says she 'cant be bothered going and doesn't see why she should'.

She looks a lot older than 13. her mother has withheld her spending money so she cant be cigarettes and alcohol but she borrows from other people to buy them.

Its making her mum ill. Her mum is a professional lady working in a hospital, she is not a Jeremy Kyle mum. she just dosnt know where to turn.

sulkisu

swingaloo wrote: »

A neighbour of mine is having terrible trouble with her 13 year old daughter.

She's drinking, smoking, bunking off school, sleeping with lads etc.

My neighbour has taken her privileges away, spoken to police and social services who in turn have spoken to her daughter but nothing seems to work.

Today she has walked out of school, not for the first time and gone missing for several hours. Now the situation is that the school are going to fine my neighbour but she personally takes the girl into school each day before she goes to work. She simply walks out part way through the morning then the school ring to say she is missing.
As my neighbour says - she will get the fine but there is nothing more she can do other than go into school for the day and stay with her which is not possible.

There are numerous issues with her behaviour, she is not an only child and the others in the family are totally different behaviour wise.

Once the girl is in school is there no onus on the school to ensure she stays there. I'm not condoning the girls behaviour at all but it seems wrong to be fined for non attendance when she is actually escorting her daughter into school each day.

She has turned up home tonight after having her phone off all day and said she has been round a nearby town all day and ' wont be going to school tomorrow either'.

She is not allowed to go into another town nearby as this is where she was having underage sex with an older boy and the police have told her that 'if they see her in ===== she will be picked up and arrested'. Obviously trying scare tactics on her but nothing is working.

Any words of advice I can pass on please?

It sounds as if she needs professional help and advice from one of the parenting/family charities or organisations.


E.g. Relate for parents, Parentline or the NSPCC.


I'm not sure that a discussion with the school will be effective, as the bunking off from school is not the real problem. What I mean by that is that many teenagers skip school, but it is the drinking, smoking, disappearing and underage sex and other behaviour issues which are the real worry and the school cannot address those. In other words, if she was going to school yet still doing those things, mum would still have cause for concern.

double_mummy

nothing will change until something (probably bad) happens, all your friend can do is contraception (something long term not the pill) and regular sti tests. do not allow any of the behavior in the house. clear rules and punishments.

if she doesn't want to stay at school she wont they cant physically stop her just like your friend cant do anything unless she is with the girl 24/7

been there done that got the tshirt i didnt change until i was homeless at 16 and pregnant at 17

i'm not surprised dad isnt mentioned at all

Buzzybee90

Gosh, what a pickle!

Sounds like your friend is doing all the right things. Agree with the comments about meetings. A 13 really shouldn't be able to walk out of school.

Other than that all she can really do is not let her out, tbh I wouldn't let a 13 year old child out alone anyway but she'd find it hard to do all that stuff when she's with her mum!

swingaloo

double_mummy wrote: »

nothing will change until something (probably bad) happens, all your friend can do is contraception (something long term not the pill) and regular sti tests. do not allow any of the behavior in the house. clear rules and punishments.

if she doesn't want to stay at school she wont they cant physically stop her just like your friend cant do anything unless she is with the girl 24/7

been there done that got the tshirt i didnt change until i was homeless at 16 and pregnant at 17

i'm not surprised dad isnt mentioned at all

Im not sure why the last sentence has been added to your reply. The only reason I haven mentioned dad is simply because it was her mum that I was talking to. Her dad is in exactly the same situation.

As for don't allow the behaviour in the house, clear rules and punishments, that would be fine. however both parents need to go out to work and when the girl sneaks home from school when they are out its kind of hard to stop the behaviour in the house.

Just out of interest what would you consider an effective punishment?
there are clear rules but they are completely disobeyed. As for punishment they have tried
Grounding - dosnt work if they go out.

Locking the doors when they go out- she leaves by the window which she then leaves open.

Taking all her shoes so she has none to go out in - she puts her brothers on.

With-holding spending money. She gets money from friends and they are also worried she may start to steal from shops.

They have removed every luxury item, computer, tv etc from her room.

they have tried rewarding the good behaviour- makes no difference.

She will lash out at her parents if she feels that way out and of course if they were to retaliate physically they would be in the wrong.

As for something bad happening- something did happen in October which was a result of her staying out and getting drunk. It SHOULD have put the fear of god into her (police involvement and the like) but its as if she is on self destruct.

They don't want to see her homeless and pregnant at 16, they are a good family who just don't know where to turn with this. I find it hard to accept that 'If she doesn't want to do something then she simply doesn't do it'.

This is the result of removing parents and schools rights to punish children. they rule now and know there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it. Im glad mine are grown up, I would hate to think I was going through what they are.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Yep, where's the dad in this? Tell your friend to kick her out, get her taken into care or something. She'll quickly learn the error of her ways. Why should it be the school's problem? They have kids there who want to learn, why should they take attention away from the good kids and ruin their education for the sake of this one hopeless cause?

fluffnutter

swingaloo wrote: »

A neighbour of mine is having terrible trouble with her 13 year old daughter.

She's drinking, smoking, bunking off school, sleeping with lads etc.

My neighbour has taken her privileges away, spoken to police and social services who in turn have spoken to her daughter but nothing seems to work.

Today she has walked out of school, not for the first time and gone missing for several hours. Now the situation is that the school are going to fine my neighbour but she personally takes the girl into school each day before she goes to work. She simply walks out part way through the morning then the school ring to say she is missing.
As my neighbour says - she will get the fine but there is nothing more she can do other than go into school for the day and stay with her which is not possible.

There are numerous issues with her behaviour, she is not an only child and the others in the family are totally different behaviour wise.

Once the girl is in school is there no onus on the school to ensure she stays there. I'm not condoning the girls behaviour at all but it seems wrong to be fined for non attendance when she is actually escorting her daughter into school each day.

She has turned up home tonight after having her phone off all day and said she has been round a nearby town all day and ' wont be going to school tomorrow either'.

She is not allowed to go into another town nearby as this is where she was having underage sex with an older boy and the police have told her that 'if they see her in ===== she will be picked up and arrested'. Obviously trying scare tactics on her but nothing is working.

Any words of advice I can pass on please?

Not sure if it's just me but this reads like your neighbour's main issue is how to avoid being fined by the school. Hasn't she got bigger things to worry about??

double_mummy

swingaloo wrote: »

Im not sure why the last sentence has been added to your reply. The only reason I haven mentioned dad is simply because it was her mum that I was talking to. Her dad is in exactly the same situation.

As for don't allow the behaviour in the house, clear rules and punishments, that would be fine. however both parents need to go out to work maybe one or other needs to take some time off to focus on their childand when the girl sneaks home from school when they are out its kind of hard to stop the behaviour in the house. remove her keys and all access to the house if she breaks in get her arrested

Just out of interest what would you consider an effective punishment? she wants to behave like an adult so let her do that she is home by x time otherwise she doesnt come in
there are clear rules but they are completely disobeyed. As for punishment they have tried
Grounding - dosnt work if they go out. well then they will have to stay in

Locking the doors when they go out- she leaves by the window which she then leaves open.well then they will have to stay in

Taking all her shoes so she has none to go out in - she puts her brothers on.well then they will have to stay in

With-holding spending money. She gets money from friends and they are also worried she may start to steal from shops. so ring the police if she is stealing

They have removed every luxury item, computer, tv etc from her room. so all thats left is a matress a pillow and a blanket?

they have tried rewarding the good behaviour- makes no difference.

She will lash out at her parents if she feels that way out and of course if they were to retaliate physically they would be in the wrong.she doesnt know how to express herself does she/has she ever had a voice in the household?

As for something bad happening- something did happen in October which was a result of her staying out and getting drunk. It SHOULD have put the fear of god into her (police involvement and the like) but its as if she is on self destruct.

They don't want to see her homeless and pregnant at 16, they are a good family who just don't know where to turn with this. I find it hard to accept that 'If she doesn't want to do something then she simply doesn't do it'.

This is the result of removing parents and schools rights to punish children. they rule now and know there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it. Im glad mine are grown up, I would hate to think I was going through what they are.

this girl is screaming out for something maybe she needs to be the priority atm

get mum to ask for meeting with EWO for possibility of a secure school

we dont know what goes on behind closed doors so while they may not be a JK family in public doesnt mean there may not be something very wrong going on there