What do you do in this scenario?

swingaloo

Ronaldo_Mconaldo wrote: »

Yep, where's the dad in this? Tell your friend to kick her out, get her taken into care or something. She'll quickly learn the error of her ways. Why should it be the school's problem? They have kids there who want to learn, why should they take attention away from the good kids and ruin their education for the sake of this one hopeless cause?

As I have previously posted the dad is at home with them and is having exactly the same issues.

Im sorry but whatever the issue I would not kick out a 13 year old. They need to find a way to cope and help her. Im surprised you think this is a helpful suggestion.

How could you possibly put a 13 year old on the street ?

swingaloo

fluffnutter wrote: »

Not sure if it's just me but this reads like your neighbour's main issue is how to avoid being fined by the school. Hasn't she got bigger things to worry about??

The fine is irrelevant to my neighbour, I think I was more incensed by it. She just wants to help her daughter.

meritaten

swingaloo wrote: »

Thank you for the replies. as far as the school goes, she has just changed schools. The last school she was at was where she was seeing this older boy who was taking her home and sleeping with her. He then told all the school and made her life a misery as her mother had reported it to the police.

She changed schools 3 months ago to go to one where a lot of the friends she sees out of school go. She always has friends calling for her and seems to be quite popular but as her mother says 'She does what she wants, when she wants'.

She has actually told her mother that the new school is loads better than the other one and she is glad she changed. But she also says she 'cant be bothered going and doesn't see why she should'.

She looks a lot older than 13. her mother has withheld her spending money so she cant be cigarettes and alcohol but she borrows from other people to buy them.

Its making her mum ill. Her mum is a professional lady working in a hospital, she is not a Jeremy Kyle mum. she just dosnt know where to turn.

oh dear - I think she is 'punishing' her mother. She KNOWS that this behaviour is hurting her mum and she is doing all she can to 'pay her back' as SHE sees it.
From her point of view her mum got her boyfriend into trouble, got her school changed, changed her life really. She is thirteen and thinks she is mature enough for a sexual relationship and 'mum' took that away from her.

I cant advise - I think this child needs counselling and in fact the whole family should be counselled. so my only suggestion is they all go for Family counselling.
The thing is OP - if your friend was a Jeremy Kyle type of mum - her daughter wouldn't be acting out this way - she is doing it BECAUSE she knows it is the most hurtful way she can get away with.

nearlyrich

To be honest a child that behaves like that a13 has not been parented properly she is doing what she wants she is not capable of seeing the harm she is doing. If they want to change her behaviour they need to be with her 1 to 1 24 hours a day and physically stop her from leaving.


I can't quote for some reason but I don't agree with this statement at all


This is the result of removing parents and schools rights to punish children. they rule now and know there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it

You don't have to resort to physical punishment but children need boundaries and to understand respect for themselves and others. Most children don't behave like this, it's not normal or inevitable.

GobbledyGook

Has your friend spoken to the school about the fine?

Sometimes to get extra help schools have to take certain steps. All the extra help that used to be easier to get has been cut back and cut back recently. So, for example, instead of the HT being able to request help for a child who was struggling to a massive extent the child has to first be suspended etc. The fine, or threat thereof, might be a step to having the girl placed on the books of one of the Welfare Officers or the truancy team.

So she needs to speak to the school. Find out what they are doing whilst the girl is in their care - they have a duty of care towards her. How are they trying to keep her in school? What can they offer with regards to access to the psychologist for example or counselling services.

Lots of these things need referrals and the school can help signpost them to her.

The thing is though she'll have to shout loudly for help. It shouldn't be that way, but it is.

Bennifred

Brat camp?

swingaloo

meritaten wrote: »

oh dear - I think she is 'punishing' her mother. She KNOWS that this behaviour is hurting her mum and she is doing all she can to 'pay her back' as SHE sees it.
From her point of view her mum got her boyfriend into trouble, got her school changed, changed her life really. She is thirteen and thinks she is mature enough for a sexual relationship and 'mum' took that away from her.

I cant advise - I think this child needs counselling and in fact the whole family should be counselled. so my only suggestion is they all go for Family counselling.
The thing is OP - if your friend was a Jeremy Kyle type of mum - her daughter wouldn't be acting out this way - she is doing it BECAUSE she knows it is the most hurtful way she can get away with.

Thank you - a rational answer. I agree with a lot of that, however the daughter asked if she could change schools as the lad in question was bragging about sleeping with her and humiliating her at school so she wanted to get away from him.

swingaloo

nearlyrich wrote: »

To be honest a child that behaves like that a13 has not been parented properly she is doing what she wants she is not capable of seeing the harm she is doing. If they want to change her behaviour they need to be with her 1 to 1 24 hours a day and physically stop her from leaving.


I can't quote for some reason but I don't agree with this statement at all


This is the result of removing parents and schools rights to punish children. they rule now and know there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it

You don't have to resort to physical punishment but children need boundaries and to understand respect for themselves and others. Most children don't behave like this, it's not normal or inevitable.

This is one of 4 children, 3 girls and a boy and there are no issues with the others, all have been parented by the same mum and dad.

you can set boundaries and the other 3 seem to abide by them but setting boundaries doesn't work if a child refuses to abide by them. Im not condoning physical punishment as such but it cant be disputed that since the option was taken away for schools and parents we have become a country littered with a large number of uncontrollable adolescents.

meritaten

swingaloo wrote: »

Thank you - a rational answer. I agree with a lot of that, however the daughter asked if she could change schools as the lad in question was bragging about sleeping with her and humiliating her at school so she wanted to get away from him.

doesn't quite jibe with the way she has behaved since - depends on whether the boy started bragging before or after her mum reported him to police doesn't it?
it doesn't sound right to me that this boy was making her life miserable at school so she only then told her mother she had slept with him? I could be wrong of course. but it really doesn't explain her present behaviour.

Errata

Uncontrollable adolescents are very often the results of uncontrollable parents.
Why aren't the parents talking to ed psych?