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Relationship woes (paternity issue)
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muddledup
Posts: 3 Newbie
Hi. Please don't think terribly of me. I have a daughter, who is almost 2. My Fiance and I had a break and I slept with a male friend. Fiance and I got back together, and I found out I was pregnant. I was honest with my Fiance and we decided to raise the baby together because we are both Christian, and thought it the best thing to do. My Fiance is still finding it hard. He loves our girl but has been depressed since she arrived. I don't know what to do or how to save our relationship. Please help me.
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These things happen and at least you were honest with your fiance. I'm afraid it is bound to take him a long time to get over it and I expect with your dughter being there, he has constant reminders of your unfaithfulness.
All you can do is keep telling him how much you love him. Praise every effort he makes to be a proper Daddy and let time pass - it really does heal.
Good luck and a Happy New Year:)I let my mind wander and it never came back!0 -
Is the natural father involved in any way? That may make a difference to how you are all handling things. Is your OH worried about maybe you and baby (and his own child) going away? Would it help if he could get step-parental responsibility for the baby?:heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.0
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Hi there, didn't want to read and run.
I think there's only one thing to do: talk to your fiance and establish whether or not you want your relationship to work. Part of that might be finding out if he is her biological father. It's very possible that knowing the truth - even if he's not her father - will make him feel better.
You need to understand what's causing his depression. Some people just can't cope with not knowing a situation completely, even when they love those involved. Maybe he agreed because he thought it was the right thing to do, but regrets it; maybe he agreed but now wants to know the truth but hasn't said so because he doesn't want to go back on what he committed to with you. Be prepared to hear him, though: he may tell you what you don't want to hear, and it may be that her paternity isn't an issue - maybe he still resents your sleeping with someone else?
You need to talk to him; no-one can tell you what he's feeing other than him, and the only way to start to make things better is to work through that conversation together.
I hope that you get things sorted out. Post back and let us all know how you get on.
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0 -
Is the natural father involved in any way? That may make a difference to how you are all handling things. Is your OH worried about maybe you and baby (and his own child) going away? Would it help if he could get step-parental responsibility for the baby?
I asked the (probable) biological father to not contact me again. he obliged, and just wrote to me when he move country. My fiance is named on the birth certificate and no-one knows I was unfaithful.0 -
You say you're both Christians, so is there anyone at church you and your b/f could talk these issues through with? If not, then Relate might be useful to you.
The other possibility is that even if this was definitely his baby, and there'd been no infidelity, he might still have got depressed. Has he seen his GP?Signature removed for peace of mind0 -
Raising a child is hard work and the strongest relationships find it tough at times. Your fiance may just be overwhelmed by the enormity of being a dad but he may also be worried that if you do split up he'll not only lose you but also his daughter.
I'm in a very similar situation but my son is now 8. My feelings of guilt have never gone away, my relationship with my partner changed for good. I decided not to hide the fact that my partner is not my sons biological father from him or from anyone else (if they needed to know) it's not something he should be ashamed of.
Life is never perfect but you make the best of what comes your way.0 -
ive heard that some partners/dads find it difficult with a new arrival because there is almost an element of jealousy, maybe he feels left out, and is depressed from lack of attention..
With everyone doting on new baby, wishing you well and patting him on the back, perhaps its just difficult for him, and perhaps he is feeling that as he is not her biological father, he doesnt deserve the congratulations....
Baby Buble due June 2010 "I promise you kid, I'll give more than I get"Total Debt Dec 09 £14,567.290 -
I asked the (probable) biological father to not contact me again. he obliged, and just wrote to me when he move country. My fiance is named on the birth certificate and no-one knows I was unfaithful.
Why don't you get a paternity test done, so that your fiance knows that he's definitely not the father? That way it might make things clearer in his head, as not being 100% sure can't be easy...Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')
No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)0 -
Are you sure it's fair on your child to pretend that your husband is the father?
I have a friend who was found out when she was middle-aged that her mother was really her grandmother and her oldest sister was her mother. Although it was all in the same family, she was very upset for a long time after finding out. It was the fact that she had been lied to all her life that really hurt her. Are you prepared to lie to your child for the rest of your life?0 -
Are you sure it's fair on your child to pretend that your husband is the father?
I don't think this is fair on the OP. They are not "pretending" that her OH is the father, it takes more than just sex to be a father!
I think the case you posted is a little extreme, in this case the likely paternal father is not in the picture so the child doesn't know any different. When my Aunt married my Uncle she had a son from a previous relationship who was about 3 when they married. He knows who his paternal father is, but his "dad" is my uncle. He's the one who's been there and raised him and provided for him.
OP I can see there is a lot of guilt there, and also that you feel that you were unfaithful even though you were on a break, but I'd suggest that you both sit down and talk through your feelings. Make it clear that your Fiance is your daughters father and just reassure him, maybe a bit of father/daughter time is needed to help strengthen the bonds?0
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