Relationship woes (paternity issue)

Oldernotwiser

This is why I don't think that being "honest" about things like this is necessarily a good thing; I don't see how it's helped anybody's situation here. (And I do know that this is a minority viewpoint, so don't all shout at once!)

monicaj

muddledup wrote: »

Hi. Please don't think terribly of me. I have a daughter, who is almost 2. My Fiance and I had a break and I slept with a male friend. Fiance and I got back together, and I found out I was pregnant. I was honest with my Fiance and we decided to raise the baby together because we are both Christian, and thought it the best thing to do. My Fiance is still finding it hard. He loves our girl but has been depressed since she arrived. I don't know what to do or how to save our relationship. Please help me.

Please read my thread http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1499263 sorry but your Partner and daughter deserve better than living a lie ...................

Sorry can't advise on the depression, but I/we can certainly understand how this can "eat away".

Mojisola

Lil_Me wrote: »

I don't think this is fair on the OP. They are not "pretending" that her OH is the father, it takes more than just sex to be a father!

There is a genetic father and a father who will raise the child as his own but you can't confuse the two. My friend had a wonderful mother but when she discovered that her "mother" was really her grandmother and her "sister" was really her mother she was very upset, particularly as both had died before she found out and she had no way of talking it through with them. She felt she had been lied to all her life by the people closest to her.

As in this case there isn't even a genetic link between the two fathers, it's even more important that the child knows of her birth father.

Lil_Me_2

Mojisola wrote: »

My friend had a wonderful mother but when she discovered that her "mother" was really her grandmother and her "sister" was really her mother she was very upset, particularly as both had died before she found out and she had no way of talking it through with them. She felt she had been lied to all her life by the people closest to her.

That really is a tragic case, but it doesn't really bear any resemblance to the OPs situation. There is no lie here. Her OH knows that he might not be the father and at 2 the child doesn't need to know and wouldn't understand. The only "lie" is that the OP hasn't told the whole world that he might not be the father, but that's personal business anyway and if the two of them prefer it that way then that is their choice.

The problem that needs to be addressed is that the OPs partner seems to be struggling with the situation at the moment and for all we know it may be something completely unrelated to him possibly not being the biological father.

Mojisola

Sorry, I just disagree. The couple are not telling their child the truth about her parentage and at some point in the future it may come out. If it does, it will affect her.

There's always the possibility that it is "living the lie" that is causing the husbands' depression.

southoftheriver

The OP hasn't said that they won't tell their daughter who her biological father is at a later date. The issue at present is the feelings of this man who is trying to do the right thing for his family but for whatever reason is struggling.

daska

I agree with Mojisola, there is unfortunately every chance that something will give away the deceit at some point, whether it's a misguided comment in a fit of temper or a genetic quirk that appears decades down the line - possibly even something serious enough that believing an incorrect genetic lineage might adversely affect health related decisions.

Taking on someone else's child prior to the child even being born is a huge commitment, even natural parents can find the arrival of a child overwhelming (my first husband hardly ever came home after DS1 was born, he just wasn't ready to be a dad at that point). Your OH hasn't even got the benefit of people telling him how wonderful he is for taking on responsibility for another man's child. From his perspective just imagine how he might feel when people tell him how proud he must be to have fathered such a beautiful daughter - when perhaps he wonders how she might look if she were really his. I think your OH is a very brave man who has perhaps bitten off more than he can chew and certainly more than he expected.

I would suggest talking with him and asking whether it would help if you both acknowledged the true situation, even if initially it is only to very close family or perhaps to talk it through with a counsellor.

DVardysShadow

Mojisola wrote: »

... As in this case there isn't even a genetic link between the two fathers, it's even more important that the child knows of her birth father.

At the right time, yes.

gill_81uk

Is there any chance that your fiance could be the real father? If so then I agree that you should do a paternity test. It might help to get things clearer in his head.

DVardysShadow

pinkshoes wrote: »

Why don't you get a paternity test done, so that your fiance knows that he's definitely not the father? That way it might make things clearer in his head, as not being 100% sure can't be easy...

That should be fiance's unpressured choice alone, particularly as he is standing by the child.