Relationship woes (paternity issue)

monicaj

DVardysShadow wrote: »

At the right time, yes.

When would you suggest is the right time?

muddledup

gill_81uk wrote: »

Is there any chance that your fiance could be the real father? If so then I agree that you should do a paternity test. It might help to get things clearer in his head.

I have the forms for the test sitting upstairs, but my Fiance doesn't want to know for certain. He says he doesn't want to lose that last little bit of hope, but he also says he is sure that she isn't his biological child. I really don't know, I stare at her and try and figure it out. She has his fingers and his eyes.

daska wrote: »

I would suggest talking with him and asking whether it would help if you both acknowledged the true situation, even if initially it is only to very close family or perhaps to talk it through with a counsellor.

I've suggested being open with people, telling our families and having counselling, but he doesn't like the idea. He feels like everyone will laugh at him and judge him. He says there is no going back if we tell people.

Lil_Me wrote: »

The problem that needs to be addressed is that the OPs partner seems to be struggling with the situation at the moment and for all we know it may be something completely unrelated to him possibly not being the biological father.

He does seem very depressed. He sleeps a lot, struggles to get to work on time, doesn't take pleasure in things and appears hopeless. He doesn't want to see the Doctor or talk to anyone. He says he just needs time.

Mojisola

As your daughter is 2 and he has been like this since she was born, it doesn't seem as if time is sorting things out.

We have a good friend who was put in this position. Everyone knew from the beginning that the child wasn't his but he wanted the marriage to work and stuck with it. They already had an older child. The bond between him and his son is wonderful. The boy knows his genetic father but our friend is his only "Dad". It's surprising how alike they are as well. Children pick up a lot from their parents as they grow and can become like them.

No-one laughed at our friend. People were impressed with his handling of the whole situation and admire the way he has brought up his son.

It's a sad situation for you and your husband. I hope he can find his way through the depression soon for all your sakes.

RAS

muddledup wrote: »

I've suggested being open with people, telling our families and having counselling, but he doesn't like the idea. He feels like everyone will laugh at him and judge him. He says there is no going back if we tell people.

Well, I am going to judge him. Like many including you, I expect, I am amazed that he decided to stay with you without knowing whether he was the biological father or not and to take on the permanent legal responsibility for your child, irrespective of her paternity. Respect to him for that decision.

muddledup wrote: »

He does seem very depressed. He sleeps a lot, struggles to get to work on time, doesn't take pleasure in things and appears hopeless. He doesn't want to see the Doctor or talk to anyone. He says he just needs time.

Those are classic symptoms as you know.

He may need time but he probably also needs to express some uncomfortable feelings like anger and sorrow without wrecking your relationship, irrespective of your child's paternity.

He may also just hate work?

The stark fact is that at some stage, you are going to have to tell your child about the circumstances of their conception, unless you have the paternity test done and your fiance is the biological father. And the sooner you do that the better. At the most basic, they could find that the blood group is incompatible with his being the father when the child gives blood and you are faced with a seriously distressed teen.

So it is not a case of knowing or not knowing. It is a case of assuming that the child is the other person's unless the paternity test proves otherwise.

mrcow

southoftheriver wrote: »

The OP hasn't said that they won't tell their daughter who her biological father is at a later date.

The OP can't tell the child who their biological father is because the OP doesn't know who it is.

A paternity test is required to at least know where everyone stands. It's hardly surprising th husband is finding it hard.