Brother in law problems threatening my family

LannieDuck · 23 August 2013 at 10:34AM

I've found it very difficult to follow your situation, but I think it's clear that if you and your husband welcome a relative into your house permanently, it must be something that you both agree to. I don't understand how your husband can decide something with such wide-ranging consequences for both of you without your consent.

You and he need to have a serious talk about respecting each other's wishes. Perhaps there are ways he can help the boy without having him move in full time?

jackieblack · 23 August 2013 at 11:08AM

Treevo wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more. This wasn't a trio arranged for the three of them - it was one specifically to treat the OP's stepson for his GCSE results. And now his father has decided that the waster who does nothing but be angry and play XBox all day is being rewarded too.

No wonder the son would rather spend the weekend at a friend's house.

Absolutely!
OP's partner is putting his nephew before his own son.

As his Dad works long hours, they presumably don't get to spend much quality father/son time together and this was meant to be a reward/treat for his GCSE results.

OP's partner needs to wake up and see how his actions are affecting his son and partner.

cef66 · 23 August 2013 at 1:09PM

Your partner should be discussing with you, and his son, any arrangements for the nephew to stay. I wouldn't invite any one to stay even for a day or two without discussing it with my partner, and children if it affected them, first. If your partner works long hours it is you and his son who are going to compromised the most by this arrangement.
Points I would want to discuss would include:
Where would your son sleep during the week as its a 3 bedroom house so not room for you all to have separate rooms and presumably your partner's son and your son take priority over the nephew !
What will be the financial arrangements if the nephew stays ?
What will the house rules be if he stays ?
Who is going to deal with any anti social behaviour that may arise ?
How long will this arrangement continue ?
It seems to me that the nephew and his dad are using you as the easy option. Why should the relationships in your house suffer so that the brother in law can have an easy life and not upset his wife. In my opinion it should be her and her son along with the dad and nephew who should be compromising not you and your family. When does the brother in law actually spend any quality time with his son ?
It's all very admirable helping out extended family but not at the expense of the your own family. If your partner doesn't want to discuss it with you I'd write down any points you'd like to raise and give it to him to mull over. Good luck.

Abbafan1972 · 23 August 2013 at 1:44PM

I didn't want to read and run, but, sorry I gave up after reading the first 2 paragraphs.

jorainbow · 1 September 2013 at 8:16AM

Have left this one to tick over for the last week or so as the nephew has been staying away at his natural mother's. My partner and step son went on their trip away but partner didnt find time to discuss things with his son. (avoidance?!) I spoke to his parents about the whole situation after his mum asked me why the house was on the market. I was open and honest about everything including this situation - whether they will raise any of the issues or step in at any point is doubtful as it seems things just get swept under the carpet. However whilst nephew hasnt been around I have felt considerably less stressed and knotted up. We went away as a couple for a break and had a lovely time but true to form brother in law and nephew arrived back at 10.30pm last night complete with a curry, BIL clearly stating he didnt think we were going to be in. They picked up clothes, left their mucky plates and a dirty table and then after collecting some very expensive Year 11 school jumpers at sister in law's request for her son, left. I dont doubt he'll be back tonight for the start of school as the natural mother doesnt live nearby. My partner agrees that he shouldnt be here, that the sister in law is taking the mickey (especially as she has the brass neck to get the other nephew to ask for jumpers and not do it herself) yet still we are on the same merry-go-round. I am going to sit down tonight with a long list of points as suggested and speak to my partner as if he wants things to go back to the way they were, I am not prepared to take any part.

HPoirot · 1 September 2013 at 8:30AM

If your partner feels the same as you but does not want to stand up and speak to BIL then maybe you should, as long as you have partner's support in this. After all, it seems that you do the lion's share of looking after the house and kids. Good luck.

Funky_Bold_Ribena · 1 September 2013 at 8:54AM

Sounds like you need to change the locks.

Dimey · 2 September 2013 at 6:54PM

jorainbow wrote: »

Have left this one to tick over for the last week or so as the nephew has been staying away at his natural mother's. My partner and step son went on their trip away but partner didnt find time to discuss things with his son. (avoidance?!) I spoke to his parents about the whole situation after his mum asked me why the house was on the market. I was open and honest about everything including this situation - whether they will raise any of the issues or step in at any point is doubtful as it seems things just get swept under the carpet. However whilst nephew hasnt been around I have felt considerably less stressed and knotted up. We went away as a couple for a break and had a lovely time but true to form brother in law and nephew arrived back at 10.30pm last night complete with a curry, BIL clearly stating he didnt think we were going to be in. They picked up clothes, left their mucky plates and a dirty table and then after collecting some very expensive Year 11 school jumpers at sister in law's request for her son, left. I dont doubt he'll be back tonight for the start of school as the natural mother doesnt live nearby. My partner agrees that he shouldnt be here, that the sister in law is taking the mickey (especially as she has the brass neck to get the other nephew to ask for jumpers and not do it herself) yet still we are on the same merry-go-round. I am going to sit down tonight with a long list of points as suggested and speak to my partner as if he wants things to go back to the way they were, I am not prepared to take any part.

Gosh, it that normal for your BIL to treat your home so disrespectfully? Can he just come into your home without you inviting him in?

Your patience astounds me.

Good luck with the conversation. Remember the lovely time you had when you were away together. That's how life should be at home.

jorainbow · 13 September 2013 at 1:46PM

Unfortunately we are at nearly splitting up point and I have to say it is down to my partners lack of ability to deal with anything including this ridiculous siutation. Nephew is still with us, step son still not happy (and very tired with his A level workload) partner spends time with friends even when not at work and avoidsme and his son. Seems the lack of respect is a family trait. I feel so sorry for the nephew now as he is in his room unless he eats but recently hasn't bothered with that. Asked him to come sit with us to watch some TV with his cousin - not interested. I have discretely spoken to school so hopefully they will keep an eye on him. I have tried and tried to speak to my partner and he did say to his brother 'we need to talk about your son' so now brother is ignoring us and my partner accepts this cos he avoids! Thank goodness my workplace offers free counselling which has been a god send for me.

carefullycautious · 14 September 2013 at 3:29PM

What a dreadful deal of the dice this poor lad has had. He knows very well that he is unwelcome hence why he stays in his room so as not to intrude in your lives too much.

Has anyone taken the time to talk to him about what he wants

The Brother in law should hang his head in shame at putting all this onto your shoulders.

Brother in law problems threatening my family

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