Brother in law problems threatening my family

jorainbow

I will try and explain this very very complicated situation to see if anyone can make sense and guide me in the right direction for support.

Partner and I together 4.5 years - I live with him and his 16 yr old but have my own home where my 24 & 18 year old live. Step son and I get on fabulously as does partner with my boys. At the moment we are contending with a house sale that is being threatened by a neighbour taking legal action as he feels footings were built on his land, the bank threatning to call in a business loan secured on said house, my parents have split up after 40+ years of marriage so its safe to say our relationship is being tested to the max. I deal with things, my partner avoids confrontation and sticks his head in the sand.

In November last year my partners sister in law decided she had had enough of the constant arguing between her son and her husbands. So she threw husband and his son out. They came to our house for 'a couple of weeks'.

SIL and brother have been married for 10 years and by all accounts have never sorted this 'brotherly' animosity from day one prefering to back their respective childs corners. Brothers son up until last year lived with his natural mother but after a period of caring for her as she has MH issues, he clearly became very distressed as he was kicked out of 2 schools, one after threatening another child with some broken glass. Son went to live with his dad and located to a school which is near us and seemed settled until he was thrown out.

The main issue for my partners brother has clearly been to make his marriage work and they have attended counselling which resulted in them now leaving the son with us/his mother whilst they go off for weekends/play bowls and get things back on track. We meanwhile are stressed to the max. The family as a whole dont tend to confront issues so sister in law has basically got exactly what she wants and everyone else is enabling her. At the last family counselling session brothers son declared he wanted to stay with us and refused to go home. He was also given the option of living with his dad at the home he rents out but said no.

I had a long chat with my step son one evening - started by him - where he spoke at length about how unhappy he was with the situ - he starts A levels this year and wants his cousin to leave. It has gone on too long and now his mother has become involved, rightly so as she is concerned about him. My youngest son wanted to move in with us as he will be commuting to a place near where I work so we were planning on travelling together.

It has now come to a head as brother spoke to my partner last night asking him if his son could stay permanently. And my partner is considering it. My initial reaction was to fly off the handle. My partner somehow feels like he has to 'save' this lad. Whilst I can see his motives are because it isnt the boys fault what he isnt seeing is his own sons (and my) wishes are being thrown to one side. The bulk of the work in the home is done by me, my partner is rarely home before 8pm and the brothers son is a typical teen (I have done this three times!) but is rude and doesnt interact with the family at all prefering to stay in his room on the xbox. Its like having a lodger. So he is getting little or no family support and according to my step son has real problems with anger and starts arguements. His dad of course says 'I know my son, he is alright'.

I am starting to confuse things now so will stop but hopefully the main threads of this problem are clear. Can anyone give me any advice on where to run with this?

FBaby

Oh dear, what a dreadful situation. Both of you sound totally reasonable and I can understand both your position. having a trouble teenager in a house is extremely hard work. Your partner is right that you and he are probably the last chance to help this boy and yes, most likely after some time, assuming you can all cope, he would probably become a lovely kid all thanks to you BUT....you've got to be able to get there first. As it is, the stressful conditions you all are in are not conductive to being able to offer this environment.

It clearly needs to come down to some compromise, but which one, it seems very difficult to see. If indeed not having the boy there isn't an option, the minimum I would accept is that your partner WILL have to be more present. If it means changing his working arrangements and be more home. He has to accept that you and his son would be accepting for HIM, and therefore it is him who will need to take on the bulk of the stress and demands that comes with the decision to have the lad in, to be reviewed at any time if it becomes too much for you and your SS. It will be his responsibility to make it clear to the boy what it means for the family to have him and that he WILL need to contribute and accepts the dynamics of a family. Good luck, I hope it turns out ok for you all.

Annisele

I'm confused about where everybody is. Is this the situation?

House 1 (owned by OP). Lived in by OP's two sons, aged 24 and 18.

House 2 (owned by OP's partner). Lived in by OP, OP's partner, partner's son aged 16, and partner's nephew.

House 3 (rented). Lived in by OP's brother.

House 4 (?). Lived in by OP's SIL.

OP's youngest son wants to move from House 1 to House 2. OP's partner's nephew wants to live permanently in House 2, and refuses to live in House 3 or House 4. OP's partner's son wants the nephew out.

OP's partner does barely any housework, isn't often home before 8pm, and OP is at the end of her tether.

How big are Houses 1 and 2? Is part of the problem that there are now just too many people in House 2, and there isn't space for them all? Are OP's partner's son and nephew having to share a room? Would somebody have to share if OP's 18 year old moved in?

Is there space in House 1 for OP to temporarily move in there (even if it's only a very temporary bolthole, to spend a few nights a week somewhere less frazzled)? Would there be space for OP's stepson to stay a few nights a week with OP's children (since they get on well, and that might give the stepson a break).

Is the nephew getting any help from social services/CAMHS?

Is OP's partner willing/able to come home earlier / do more housework / pay for somebody else to do the housework?

jorainbow

House 1 is mine - lived in by my sons (24 & 18) - 2 bed
House 2 is partners - lived in by me, partners son and nephew since Nov - 3 bed
House 3 is owned by partner's brother but he rents it out
House 4 is lived in by partners brother, wife and her son (3 bed so spare room)

My son would like to move back in with us through the week for travelling ease to get to college then he can go home at the weekend. My house (1) is not near to stepsons school and am not sure why he should be inconvenienced nor my eldest have the responsibility of a 16 year old when he works full time?

Nephew was seeing a young carers group when he was living with his natural mother but not anymore.

Partner is self employed builder etc so am afraid work is often far away and dictated by what it is - sometimes he can be home at a reasonable hour sometimes its late.

hope this helps!

Gigglepig

What about selling up house 1 and 2, get something bigger?.

24 year old moves put and rents on his own? But when he visits, can share with the 18yo.
18 year old can stay another couple of years, but needs to start paying a little bit towards rent?
16 year old gets his own bedroom where he can study undisturbed
Nephew gets to move in, but his parents must pay you a contribution

Everyone gets a rota of what house work they must do, put up in the kitchen, and you use the "rent" money to pay for extra food and a cleaner who comes in weekly so you aren't stuck with the bulk of the work.

House rules regarding your expectations (have dinner together, no music after x pm, no drinking or smoking in rooms, or whatever you want) set out in advance and displayed in the kitchen.

Errata

Yank your OH's head out of the sand and tell him to start sorting things out.

Dunroamin

Could you encourage your OH to have the same conversation with his son that you did? He surely won't want to put his nephew's good over that of his own son?

ETA

Which house is in the process of being sold?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

What about giving nephew some ground rules; and if he breaks them - then he leaves. Better still; sit the family down and agree the rules together.

HPoirot

jorainbow wrote: »

The main issue for my partners brother has clearly been to make his marriage work

Fair enough if the BIL is intent on making his marriage work, but he also has a son to whom he owes a parental duty and not lob this off to you and your OH. Similarly, so does your OH towards the 16 year old who is not comfortable with these new living arrangements.

Why can't BIL and SIL continue with the family counselling sessions and try harder to find a compromise for their own family unit? I would have thought that the "re-bonding" outings between BIL and SIL would have progressively included their children as well so that the whole family "re-bonds", possibly with different dynamics between them. Surely that would be the aim of any responsible parent? I also think that separate counselling for the boy would help him.

itsanne

I can't think of a constructive way forward just yet, but do think you need to seek some outside help for the nephew, possibly both social services as he is unwilling to return home (and before there is a crisis) and mental health. I'm surprised this hasn't been put in motion by his school before excluding him.

Your husband really needs to talk with his own son about the situation. It seems like he wants to make the decision and then leave you to get on with it.

jorainbow

Thanks all for your comments so far.

The situation regarding my house and sons works fine - my eldest pays the bills along with a share from me for the youngest who is still in education. Its a council property on which he is joint tenant so selling up is not an option.

My partner is in the process of selling his home (2) which he built along with the one next door and as I explained the sale isnt going well and the bank are calling the loan in.

My partner is taking is son away this weekend to celebrate his GCSE results and intends to talk to him then though I have asked him not to let on that the situation has now come to the nephew wanting to stay as he may feel obliged to go along with it so as not to upset the apple cart (he is a very mature boy for 16). My partner does need to get his head out the sand though and stop fearing what his brother may say if he puts his foot down and says no.

The problem with any intervention, which I totally agree with, is my partners brother is a very pig headed and arrogant man who thinks his son is fine and would not see any need for this. Albeit that he advised us at the end of last term his son was caught giving money to a known drug dealer in school. I wonder if it may be an idea to talk to Social Services in confidence?