Trying to sort the contact out need some advice..........

poppyscorner

Hi all,

A bit of an update from the last post ...... Ex has admitted he and the scottish lass do intend to meet up and have a relationship (they only became facebook friends on 3rd June) they have been chatting all the time and they are in love apparently.

Anyway this is an exact replica of the time when he left me last he loved her too apparently lasted 2 weeks then was over.
Last time he did this he did the whole going back to mummys and then did a moonlight flit with the other girl and stayed away threatening to take DS1 away from me was just going to come and get him blah blah blah he never actually did this but I believe he meant it and when he gets like the way he is now he is impulsive and never thinks about his actions.

Our children I am very concerned about eldest is really really upset and insecure since dads departure he keeps coming to check if I am still here and asking me if I am going to leave them I am giving him loads of reassurances and have taken a week out of uni to be able to give him reassurance DS2 does not have the power of speech yet but he is very clingy with me and also quite unsettled.

As I have said before I want the boys to have contact with their father but I'm terrified he just goes off to scotland with them to live his fantasy out so although I plan to very soon make this a legal thing I dont know what to do in the meantime I still believe that its in the boys' best interests to see dad but couldnt bear it if he took them so what do I do ?

I obviously can't trust MIL afterall she supports him 100% whatever he does and she would no doubt support him leaving with our children (she supported him the last time) so she cant be used for neutral ground. I wouldn't ask my parents either because it would make life uncomfortable for the kids I think. So should I ask him to come here and spend time playing with them or am I being totally unreasonable and should I allow him to take them away.

I would really appreciate your opinions on this

Thanks Poppy x

Mips

My husbands ex did this - it was in her house, whether she was present or not but he could not take his child out, and I was not to be seen.

I think it is acceptable, so as not to distress the children

fluffysox

hugs to you poppyscorner- can't offer advice but I would say you need to do what you feel comfortable with. He'll have to put up or shut up for now at least until you can trust him xx

tsstss7

poppy if you really think he might do this then go and see a family solicitor asap (even if you don't want to divorce) to clarify your situation this is a very grey area afaik he could legally do this and there is very little you can do to stop it other than what you have outlined above - in the mean time I would prob delay any contact where he takes both children away if you think he cannot be trusted.

I doubt his other woman would really want to be blessed with them anyhow though...;)

Paparika

IF he took them do you really think this Scottish floozy knows about the children let alone want to look after them?

Gonna be a bit of a passion killer having two extremely upset children to care for.

poppyscorner

Paparika wrote: »

IF he took them do you really think this Scottish floozy knows about the children let alone want to look after them?

Gonna be a bit of a passion killer having two extremely upset children to care for.

Yes she knows about them but I dont know about the looking after them thing I do know that she has 3 of her own children as well so it would no doubt be a bit of a squash.
I dont think my children would necessarily come to any harm physically but they would be distraught without me I know that much and I would be distraught without them. I want whats best for them really I do I am just trying to work out what that is. They both love daddy and however hurt they are they still miss him I have tried to play it down a bit but DS1 is very sensitive and asks me if I am sad because I have no husband am I going to send him away am I going to leave am I collecting him from school the list goes on and on have told dad this but he isnt bothered tbh he hasnt even rang to speak to them but is demanding a full day unsupervised access on Sunday.
Its no wonder they are upset really.

Thanks for all advice xx

*Louise*

Tell him to SLOW DOWN and let you (and the kids) get your head round things first.

You are quite right to insist on supervised access for a period of time at frst...but it's probably best if you're not the person supervising. Do you have a friend or another relative who could be at the house while he spends time with his kids while you go out for a while?

I certainly wouldn't be letting him take the children to Scotland for the forseeable future. And if his little fling does work out (although I do hope he is going to end up lonely and miserable, the git!) :mad: I would insist on meeting her before I let my kids stay there.

Most importantly - if you are in any doubt that he may just take the kids...get a solicitor involved and sort things out properly.

Best of luck for the future

(((hugs)))

mum2one

I back up the other poster, plz seek legal advice, with u being married, then oh automatically has parental responsibility, (guessing Scotland same as English law), when u ring to book the solicitor make sure u ask if they do a free 30min session, that way u get some gd advice, and u dont have to worry about the cost, or getting urself down the legal route and u may not want to go there.

The most important thing to remember u and the children are the most important people in this equation, Im guessing u took hubby back after last yr, I guess in ur own heart of hearts u need to decide what u want and go from there.

Big hugs xxx

shell_girl

What's the eldest child's DOB and were you married at the time of the birth? Legally it does change things depending on the date.

Loretta

You now need urgent legal advice, today, don't put it off. Not to divorce but to find out your position and some advice about access. Scotland would be very difficult if he took them there. It may be that you would have to go to court in Scotland if he ran off with them there, even if you had a residency order in England.

Please check this out. Under no circumstances let him have access on his own anywhere unsupervised.

Many years ago I had what used to be custody of my children, my ex took my children out for half an hour and then drove them to Scotland to his grandparents. Yours also has somewhere to go in Scotland. Not because he had any interest in the children but just to take them away from me. Luckily they were really good people and phoned me to tell me where they were and they were safe. I went to a solicitor and he told me that I would have to get legal aid and that would take 6 weeks and I would have to go to court in Scotland..... my daughter was a baby and being fully breastfed.

My best friend's husband worked for Danair and they got free flights, no real security in those day, 1972, The grandparents phoned me when he went to the pub, at about 10am. I live near Gatwick airport and I used my friend's pass to fly to Edinburgh, luckily they lived quite near the airport, and I took them back and flew home with them. When he arrived home from the pub some 15 hours later they were gone. I phoned the police to tell them what I had done and that he was very violent and the grandparents were in danger.

He tried again, he told me he had a job in Holland and I then found he had applied for a passport for him and the children, I went back to the solicitor who was not concerned as he thought I had no reason to think he was going to take the children!! Luckily the job bit alerted me because it was a word that he would not recognise!! This devoted father hasn't seen them since 1973!! needless to say no child support!

It is best to prevent this happening rather than trying to get them back from him

Whatever you think of him and however well you think you know him now he has gone you have no idea what he is up to, what he is thinking and who has influence on him, you already know that MIL is there telling him everything he is doing is right and he probably also has this girl telling him the same thing and she probably thinks it would be very handy to have him there. Presume the worst and do something about it urgently

I suspect this is all about hurting you

Is he taking his other child with him too, hope she has got a big house.

This behaviour is completely unacceptable. Whether or not he wants out of the marriage there is a correct, grown up way of dealing with it and then there is his way.

Good luck, keep posting we all want to help

Loretta

Just to add, 3 months after this marathon day my solicitor wrote to tell me he had got my legal aid and would start the process of applying to the Scottish Court for the children to be returned!! I told him what I had already done and he told me I would get into trouble for doing it this way.

I was only 20 at the time and used to be very shy and not confident. All this made a huge impression on me and changed my attitude to life. I realised that if I thought I was doing the right thing I would just do it and the law etc was not always right. I can still all these years later remember vividly the horror of thinking I woud never see my children again.