Custody of children...ARGH!!!

Uniscots97

marc.faulkner wrote: »

You're absolutely spot on, the eldest 2 have said that they want nothing to do with her. I don't think it's right to force her upon them against their wishes.

The youngest, being only 8, doesn't remember her hardly. He doesn't know what he wants.

The youngest would have been of similar ages to our youngest when it happened. They do remember more than they (or you will) realise and it usually comes out once the trigger has been released (been there and supplied the tissues). For ours it was an emotional upset. So to the OP, maybe say to your Mum to watch out for this if the youngest is being really quiet (thats what initially happened in our case), just be there to listen and provide the tissues as once they do start to remember it can be quite traumatic for them at that age but (as we were told), better it's spoken about in the open than bottled up. We found it easier talking to them separately so the younger child wasn't tempted to copy the older child. The youngest went through a very wide range of emotions and initially said they didn't want to see their real mother but meet her when they were older and ask her why on earth she left (after slapping her about a bit, and thats the cleaned up version!!!!). They've both now settled and want nothing to do with their real mother (been no contact now for 11 years), they see her just as the person who gave birth to them not the person that brought them up and saw them through the important stuff in life. I just hope for the children in this case a resolution can be found that suitable for their sake and not one to suit everyone else. Its the children most important in this.

Zara33

Your mother needs to seek legal advice asap!

Although the father won the custody battle did your mother also win it?
By this i mean was your mother awareded leagl rights and responsibilities, if not this needs to be talked over with her lawyer. As the children are old enough their views would be counted, the court work on the best interest for the child. Having no contact with a child for so long does not stand very good imho.

Marker_2

marc.faulkner wrote: »

You're absolutely spot on, the eldest 2 have said that they want nothing to do with her. I don't think it's right to force her upon them against their wishes.

The youngest, being only 8, doesn't remember her hardly. He doesn't know what he wants.

As the constant in the kids lives for the last 5 years, your mother needs to remember that what decision the kids may make now may not be what they want in 1 years time or 10 years time. The door needs to stay firmly open (even if the kids are unaware) for thet 'just in case'.

Can't possibly expect an 8, 10 and 11 year old to make a decision which will affect their lives for the rest of their lifes and of course any child they have.

I reiterate again, I cant begin to imagine the stress your mother is going through with this, also what she is doing is a very thankless task and one she didnt 'have' to take on so she has kudos off me for that :beer: . Easier said than done but maybe encouraging the kids to forget their mother abandoning them and encourage them to look to a happy future. Course thats assuming the mothers reformed - only you lot know whether shes worth another go just yet! x

Paparika

Is the natural mother just sniffing around for what money she can get her hands on?

Money that perhaps their father might leave for the children.

NUFCnutter

I have three girls who have had no contact from their father for three and a half years, because he "wanted a life" with his new girlfriend. My girls are 10, 8 and 3 and the stress this has caused, especially for my 8 year old has been horrific. She has been through counselling for over 18 months to get over her dad not wanting her, despite me never saying that to her, she believes that this is the case.

The biological mother probably doesn't realise the damage she has done by "walking away". A mother/father is not the person who produces you biologically but the person who loves, cares and provides for you unconditionally.

ka7e

Paparika wrote: »

Is the natural mother just sniffing around for what money she can get her hands on?

Money that perhaps their father might leave for the children.

It's not just that. There may be a substantial amount she could claim long-term, in the form of Child Benefit, Tax Credits and Housing Benefit! After 4 years she might just be seeing them as a meal ticket.

Curv

unixgirluk wrote: »

Strong person or not surely no decent parent would willingly walk away from her children?

He was ultimately granted an interim residence order, and at this stage the mother seemed to lose all interest and said that she didn't want to see the kids again.

Maybe she didn't 'willingly walk away'... maybe, after two gruelling years and an indication that things were going against her, she felt defeated, defenceless and hopeless and saw no other way out? Maybe she did what she thought was best for the children at that time, given that as an alcoholic her judgement was probably clouded, to say the least?

There are always two sides to a story... assassinating the character of someone none of us know by making assumptions and generalisations isn't going to help the OP's Mum. And the important thing here is that the OP's Mum gets the legal advice she needs.

Uniscots97

Sorry Curv as I explained in my later post my opinion may be slightly biased due to my situation. The kids mother told them she didn't want them. Even without that, try explaining to 2 (or 3 in OP's case) crying children why a parent isn't there. The eldest said recently (he's now a teenager) that he could have dealt with it better if she'd died, at the time he just felt hatred and resentment as he knew she was somewhere near by but didn't want anything to do with either of them. Just worried the children in this case could be emotionally harmed if their real mother isn't serious. Even if she is, they (the children) will probably want answers as to why she cut them off and has reappeared now, and in a child's eyes a parent shouldn't give up ever (at least that's been our experience).

NUFCnutter

My eldest daughter, aged 10, also has said it would be easier if her dad had died, because at least she could visit a grave and know that he wasn't living 10 minutes walk away with his new girlfriend and her kids.

basketcase

Did your dad leave a will specifying that he wished your mother to look after his children? Or possibly naming her as their guardian?

Bit late now but I did this for mine. Wanted them to have contact with absent father but, given previous treatment of myself, didn't fancy them being totally at the mercy (so to speak) of dad!