Where do i stand with the kids

xmaslolly76

Ok this could be a long story.

My husband not yet an ex we have been split for 18months has a gf he has been on adn off with for over 12 months. this in its self is not a problem. What is the problem is she is mentally unstable, she has been sectioned before and is meant to take medication the whole of her life but she refuses to take it a lot of the time. now to give you some back ground. So far she has redecorated his house with food because she didnt like what he was cooking, she has put holes in the wall with her head cause she was upset and last but not least she has not once but twice caved his head in a with a wine bottle causeing him to go to hospital for stiches.

Now like i said i dont mind my kids being around my ex's gf's i ahve no right to stop that as my new bf is very a much a part of the childrens life. My concern is her mental state and what she may be capable of with the kids around. now i have asked politely that he keeps the children away from her as i fear for their safety but is there anythig i can do legally that would prevent her from being able to be near them. I am so worried that one day she will flip whilst they are around??

i am gratefull for any help or advise you can give me ??

Mips

That is a tough one. I would feel the same - the issue is not her Mental illness though, that would be unfair, as no doubt when she does take her medication, she is a totally different woman.

Is he having regular contact? Perhaps you could let him come to your house to see your children, without his girlfriend?

If you were to take it through the Courts it could become very costly unless you get legal aid, but I am sure in the circumstances the mediators would organise something - however, they would want evidence of this and they would want to know because you could just be coming across as the bitter ex.. in their eyes.

Have you tried sitting him down?

Explain to him that he should not want to subject his children to violent outbursts as it could frighten them.

sjaypink

how do you know what shes done to his house/ to him?
do you know what she was sectioned for and what her medication is?

if she is really that bad then you could always stop access if she is always there and you are genuinely fearful. of course you dont want that for your kids sake, so perhaps you could talk this through with your ex? or what is your relationship like with his parents/ siblings? could you talk to them and allow access at their home instead?

how old are your kids? are they old/ independant enough to tell you about what goes on at their dads house?

xmaslolly76

ok i dont know what medication she is on but she has had mental health problems since she was a child. I know all this because everytime they fall out he comes to me as a shoulder to cry on we have been good friends after the split. i have photo evidence of what she did to his head and also witnesses to the phone call that took place after she had done it i was driving at the time and had the phone on hands free. he siad exactly what she had done and wanted me to go fetch him to take him to the hospital unfortunately i was 100 miels away so couldnt. i also have photos of the holes in the walls at my old house. I have tried to talk to my ex but he is very hot headed and bull minded, his responce to my concerns was to threaten to beat my partner up which isnt very helpfull at all. i really do worry about childrens safety he says she has never gone off on one whilst they have been around but i feel its only a matter of time before she does and although i believe he would never let any harm come to them on purpose i cant make him understand that they should not be witness to such behavour or put into a position where they fear for their own or their dads safety. She may not go for the kids but if she started on their dad they would protect him as they love him and that puts them in the fireing line so to speak.

sjaypink

xmaslolly76 wrote: »

i also have photos of the holes in the walls at my old house. I have tried to talk to my ex but he is very hot headed and bull minded, his responce to my concerns was to threaten to beat my partner up which isnt very helpfull at all.

are you sure they're not both putting holes in walls?

if you were to go down the legal route you would need more evidence than your ex simply telling you all these things, especially as he only does so when something goes wrong with them.

if its true then whoever is starting it, whoever is violent, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. fine for them if they want to live like that, but not fair and not right for your kids.

you still didn't say how old your kids are, but if they are not teenagers (ie they could go round and visit him anyway if they wanted) then i would stop access at his house if he is not even willing to discuss this with you without threats. until he is willing to do this id say he can have the kids at a trusted family members house for instance.

basketcase

Is there some sort of Family Arbitration where you live? That way you could discuss the situation calmly in a neutral setting.

xmaslolly76

sorry i missed that my kids are 6 and 10. He wont go to arbitration or councilling or mediation its his way or no way thats why i left him. Yes you are right it is a very un healthy relationship indeed his family and friends have also told him to walk away many a time but he is stubborn and until she moves on he will stick it out so that he doesnt look what he would think is stupid .

I do let them see him regular i ahve never stopped him seeing his kids and have never felt the need to try and stop him from seeing them until now. He has them today as it is fathers day and they are at his mothers with him i know they are safe there as she wont let j we will call her in the house either. i have also tried to appeal to his mother and she has spoken to him on my behalf but like i said he is stubborn and we might as well be talking to a brick wall. I'm going to try and talk to him later again when he brings them back and they go out to play with their friends. see if i can make him see sense. i dont want the kids to miss out on their dad and i dont want them hating me for stopping them from seeing him but this is frightening me now i just dont know what to do for the best. last time i spoke to him about it he said it wasnt my problem what they did when he has them which in a way is correct but that doesnt stop me wanting to protect them.

Mips

sjaypink wrote: »

are you sure they're not both putting holes in walls?

if you were to go down the legal route you would need more evidence than your ex simply telling you all these things, especially as he only does so when something goes wrong with them.

if its true then whoever is starting it, whoever is violent, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. fine for them if they want to live like that, but not fair and not right for your kids.

you still didn't say how old your kids are, but if they are not teenagers (ie they could go round and visit him anyway if they wanted) then i would stop access at his house if he is not even willing to discuss this with you without threats. until he is willing to do this id say he can have the kids at a trusted family members house for instance.

I agree with this - he sounds like he can be violent aswell!!

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and I would not want my kids involved in that all

lifecatalyst

xmaslolly76, if it's not possible to sort this out amicably & you are still very worried (or if things escalate) it might be possible to get a Prohibited Steps Order through the courts. Speak to the solicitor who's dealing with your divorce (if you have one?). It's often done with a Contact/Residency order but can be separate.

If you were going through the courts & CAFCASS (court appointed social workers) were involved they would ask for police & medical reports on both partners of the parents & would make their recommendations accordingly.

I know it sounds very heavy handed, but if all the other "more gentle" options have been tried....it could be a possible solution. Hopefully it won't come to this........

You could also check out http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/ which has forums an information on children's matters.

Hell_Dans_Un_Handcart

What a nightmare situation!

It sounds to me like Social Services might be your best bet. You may be able to arrange for all of your children't visits to be supervised (tbh, it sounds like this is required).

I agree that you shouldn't be afraid of taking a "heavy handed" approach here. You have your children's best interests at heart. If their father did too, he'd get counselling and get rid of the crazy lady.

Best of luck.

oystercatcher

I agree with previous poster. Social services would be able to assess the situation independently and advise on safe ways for the children to see their father. There's no shame in going to them it sounds to me that the children could well be at risk whilst at his house. Think how you'd feel if they were injured at all and you'll never know what mental damage there is from what they could witness.

Oystercatcher