What is a fair contribution?

jillyp_2

I would love to hear from anybody with a suggestion as to how much a fulltime working 25 yr old, living at home should contribute to his upkeep. I have 2 children of my own (12yrs & 14yrs) who I obviously provide for. My partner's son of 25yrs also lives with us. He pay's his father £110 per month and gets all his washing and ironing done, bedroom cleaned/bed changed. He earns a good local salary (£1000) and has no other outgoings. My main concern is that he has accumulated online gambling debts of £10,000 on his credit card and is only paying the minimum payment each month which according to Martin Lewis's calculator will take about 40yrs to repay! My partner and I persuaded him to apply for a cheap loan which surprisingly he did after months of persuasion and the loan company have lost his application form etc and we are back to square one with his ongoing debt and total lack of responsibilty to sort his finances out. His social life is not affected by this as his weekends are spent playing football/snooker with friends and drinking. He is also overdrawn with his bank and has been offered a lovely new council flat of his own but had to refuse it due to lack of funds and foresight for his future. As much as I like this young man it frightens me that he is not taking stock of his life, refuses to listen to any advise and says everything is 'sorted' and my partner says "he's 25yrs I cant make him do anything". I have visions of my children eventually leaving for university etc and still having to look after an adult who is in their 30's/40's!

His grandmother and other family members treat him like a little boy and dont seem to consider having a good time and credit card debt as a problem. Should I just mind my own business or keep on his case? I know my partner gets fed up with me telling him to sit him down and sort it.
Any suggestions? As I write his girlfriend has paid for him to go to spain with his football mates for a week complete with new clothes and spending money!

Sorry to moan so much but something has to be done without too much 'rocking of the family boat'.

Paparika

jillyp wrote: »

I would love to hear from anybody with a suggestion as to how much a fulltime working 25 yr old, living at home should contribute to his upkeep. I have 2 children of my own (12yrs & 14yrs) who I obviously provide for. My partner's son of 25yrs also lives with us. He pay's his father £110 per month and gets all his washing and ironing done, bedroom cleaned/bed changed. He earns a good local salary (£1000) and has no other outgoings. My main concern is that he has accumulated online gambling debts of £10,000 on his credit card and is only paying the minimum payment each month which according to Martin Lewis's calculator will take about 40yrs to repay! My partner and I persuaded him to apply for a cheap loan which surprisingly he did after months of persuasion and the loan company have lost his application form etc and we are back to square one with his ongoing debt and total lack of responsibilty to sort his finances out. His social life is not affected by this as his weekends are spent playing football/snooker with friends and drinking. He is also overdrawn with his bank and has been offered a lovely new council flat of his own but had to refuse it due to lack of funds and foresight for his future. As much as I like this young man it frightens me that he is not taking stock of his life, refuses to listen to any advise and says everything is 'sorted' and my partner says "he's 25yrs I cant make him do anything". I have visions of my children eventually leaving for university etc and still having to look after an adult who is in their 30's/40's!

His grandmother and other family members treat him like a little boy and dont seem to consider having a good time and credit card debt as a problem. Should I just mind my own business or keep on his case? I know my partner gets fed up with me telling him to sit him down and sort it.
Any suggestions? As I write his girlfriend has paid for him to go to spain with his football mates for a week complete with new clothes and spending money!

Sorry to moan so much but something has to be done without too much 'rocking of the family boat'.

Get them to have him live with them and see how they will change their minds.


http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=697805

some good reposnses from your last post, hope it helps

LittleTinker

He is 25?

Kick him out and tell him its time to stand on his own two feet. He isnt ever going to learn anything when folk are running around after him.

You say he gets all his washing and ironing done.....is it you who is doing it?

jm2926

Washing and ironing! You must be kidding - I've got a 19 yr old step son at home and he is responsible for his own washing and ironing, cleaning his room (or not!), buys his own toiletries, but is free to help himself to food etc. He works full time and pays housekeeping. If he is home for dinner I'll cook for him, but otherwise he fixes his own food. He is also expected to tidy up after himself, empty the dishwasher etc (i.e. not leave plates next to it).

I don't think the issue you have here is the amount he pays, but rather his lack of consideration to you. I certainly wouldn't be "taking care of him" at all - he's not a child. I'd leave his debt to be his problem, but set a timescale for him to move out - it's not acceptable to just sponge off you. Perhaps if it's not as comfortable it will persuade him to leave.

miserly_mum

My Bro-in-law is like this. Still lives with Mum at 28 because she does too bloody much for him.( Including cutting his toe nails) yes you read that right:o He's neither use nor ornament.

I advise my MIL the same as other posters have already advised you.......stop treating him like a child if you want him to act like an adult.

Up his keep to a more reasonable amount, even if you only save part of it for him to help pay towards moving out.

Make him do his own washing and cleaning. Cooking too if hes not in at meal times. You will be doing him a big big favour in the long run, by forcing him to stand on his own two feet.

melancholly

stop doing his washing, ironing and cleaning, and make it clear what chores he is expected to do around the house.

i'd speak to your OH about what to do about it. perhaps you could make him pay the market rate for rent (not including bills) and save some for him and give it back in a year to pay off his debt. that way he'll learn to be responsible and it's a plan your OH might agree to. you'll need to have a united front on this one.

get a standing order set up for the rent, so that he can't 'forget' to pay you.

you can't force somone to have a lightbulb moment about their debt and spending habits.... which is a shame. maybe you could sit down and show him what it costs to run a house - go through everything that you pay for (from internet to food to electricity to insurance). might shame him a bit. could you speak to his girlfriend about it? there's no way that long term they could live together if he acts like this, so getting her onside might help? don't know if any of these ideas will help..... but it's all i can think of apart from just telling him to grow up, which won't help matters!

floss2

My sons can cook, use a washer & iron, wash-up, vacuum, clean a bathroom, shop for themselves, keep a home tidy.......why? because I taught them that was what was needed to run a home & they had to contribute to the smooth running of the home.

They also know how much a home costs - and if they move back in, they will be contributing to that cost and to the increased costs of utilities / food / phone etc

Mips

I am 24 years old, have 3 young children, pay my own bills and do my own washing and ironing - I fill in my own forms, tie my own shoelaces and run a household.

I wouldn't know how to let someone do it for me.

Charge him a decent amount of money - just under local rental charges would be appropriate and make him do his own washing and ironing.

25 year old child. How ridiculous.

kr15snw

My brother is slightly similar. 30 years old and living at home, pays just over £200 a month for EVERYTHING. He gets food cooked and placed in front of him on a tray, even gets dishes took off his lap when hes finished. All washing, ironing and putting stuff away is done for him. Mum even pays for his dog! Which he bought when he was 27, but now mum walks it (as mum and dad have the sister and my brother days they might aswell take it with them) and feeds him / baths him and buys everything for him! But brother always says 'my dog'. He has NO interest in moving out, and has every expensive gadget you can get as hey he has lots of spare cash! (earns about 25k a year)

Firsty he needs to start doing some housework, otherwise he will struggle majorly in the real world. Luckily I have a sympathetic boyfriend, so Ive got through it. I was treated like my brother when at home so when I moved out I had no idea how an oven, washing machine or even iron worked! I also struggle with leaving dishes and packets on the side as my mum would always insist she tidied up. I feel so guilty now!

Do you need the extra cash? To be honest I would sit down with him and explain he needs to pay more, but how about the extra cash going to his debts? With no choice! I have a friend who pays a tiny amount of rent (£100 a month) as hes managed to rack up ALOT of debts and so his parents make him pay £500 a month of which £100 goes to them and the rest goes to his debts. He is very gratefull that his parents are helping him out of this problem and has also agreed that the £400 will be used for saving for his own place when hes paid off his debt. Maybe you could try this?

If he disagrees, get hard on him. Explain he has to pay 1/5 of the bills and show him how much it will cost. Or look at rent for a similar sized place and tell him he can pay that. If still no work, threaten to chuck him out.

Dippychick: Im 21 and pay my own bills and do everything myself! (Well boyfriend does help as Im currently earning pennies, but start full time job soon so can start paying more! yay). Im actually ASHAMED to say my brother who is 9 years OLDER than me still acts like I did when I was 17!!

PasturesNew

There are two issues here:
A] Contributing fairly to the household income
B] Irresponsibility with money

One approach to Problem A is to use formal figures to do this perhaps. As he is earning a proper wage then it's not unreasonable.

I'd look at the following:
1] Charge the LHA rate for a shared house. This is something you can look up online.
2] Charge the relevant proportion of the council tax (1/3rd?)

After that there are the bills and food. Which you might like to go a bit easier on, but I'd suggest:
3] 1/5th of electricity, gas, water
4] £15/week for food

I'd also stop cleaning his room. Don't do any ironing. Chuck clean sheets in once a week if you must but get him to take his dirty ones off and put them in the machine/basket at least. Try to get him to understand the concept of "sheets + other similar stuff = full load, put it in the machine now and get it all washed"

As for Problem B, he is over 18 and you've tried to help him and sometimes you just have to let people fail so they learn for themselves. It's hard but short of hijacking his pay packet and controlling everything he does/buys for the next 3-5 years there's nothing you can do.

[Deleted User]

Your live-in man-child sounds like an absolute looser.

Reasonable contributions? How about 400 a month? Consider that rent, bills and 'services' (cleaning/ironing). When I was 25 (3 years ago), my rent was £420 a month + bills.

I would put some of that money away and set it aside for paying off his future money losses and debts - he sounds utterly incapable of becoming an adult the way he is going.

edit: i've been paying my own way since i was 22 and moved 200 miles from my parents for my first graduate job. My first rent was £164 a month Ah those were the days