Dead End

icanthandlewhativdone

I don't really know how to start this I jsut needed to get things off of my chest. I'm 20 years old and I have hit rock bottom. I used to be in a very abusive relationship and I lost a baby because I was hit in the stomach by my ex. I turned to drugs to help me through, a decision which I regret. To help pay for the drugs I took out a loan which my wage from my good job paid off. All £4k of the loan went on drugs and alcohol and a few presents. I've always been a compulsive spender and never really thinking about the consequences until that is I got ill and my liver was having problems coping. My grandparents took me in and have since supported me as I lost my job and have since been signed off sick with depression. You would have thought this would be enough to make me stop and take action but I didn't now instead of running up my own debts I ran up my grandma's debts too. Only she doesn't know about it. I run to get the mail everrymorning and always take the debt collectors letters that arrive only now they are final demands and i cant afford to pay . I owe 172 in her name and about 10k in my own. I couldn't find any money to pay anything off and have nothing to sell so I sold myself. Now i cant handle what iv done i know it would kill my gran to know that i ran up debts in her name and that iv lowered myself so bad that i have slept with a man for money to the point i just think life would be better for her if i wasnt around. Iv cried non stop for the past hour and i cant feel it stopping any time soon maybe goodbye would be the best thing? I dont know what to do anymore.

dancingfairy

Ohh hunny. Sounds like you are having a really awaful time of it right now. I would definitely phone the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 or someone and have a really good chat. Would also go to the doctors/ae if you are feeling that bad. There is a way out of this. You are not a bad person you are obviously having problems coping and are using the drugs and alcohol to cope and obviously need professional support to give these up. Will write some more in a mo but wanted you to see this first.

dancingfairy

Nothing is ever worth dying for. You can turn your life around but you need professional help. You have hit rock bottom - the only way is up. PLease go and get some help from the doctors/samaritans etc and come back and post to let us know you are o.k.

dancingfairy

As for the money saving - there are loads of suggestions on here for how to make extra pennies here there and everywhere. Maybe you could do ironing for people or gardening or maybe do some cooking or something to help your grandma out and save her some time and energy? Are you able to claim any benefits? Are there any crafty activities you could do and sell them or make homemade jam etc? These would give you the benefit of doing something productive and take you mind off the drink and drugs and problems for a short while.

jinky67

icanthandlewhativdone wrote: »

I don't really know how to start this I jsut needed to get things off of my chest. I'm 20 years old and I have hit rock bottom. I used to be in a very abusive relationship and I lost a baby because I was hit in the stomach by my ex. I turned to drugs to help me through, a decision which I regret. To help pay for the drugs I took out a loan which my wage from my good job paid off. All £4k of the loan went on drugs and alcohol and a few presents. I've always been a compulsive spender and never really thinking about the consequences until that is I got ill and my liver was having problems coping. My grandparents took me in and have since supported me as I lost my job and have since been signed off sick with depression. You would have thought this would be enough to make me stop and take action but I didn't now instead of running up my own debts I ran up my grandma's debts too. Only she doesn't know about it. I run to get the mail everrymorning and always take the debt collectors letters that arrive only now they are final demands and i cant afford to pay . I owe 172 in her name and about 10k in my own. I couldn't find any money to pay anything off and have nothing to sell so I sold myself. Now i cant handle what iv done i know it would kill my gran to know that i ran up debts in her name and that iv lowered myself so bad that i have slept with a man for money to the point i just think life would be better for her if i wasnt around. Iv cried non stop for the past hour and i cant feel it stopping any time soon maybe goodbye would be the best thing? I dont know what to do anymore.

Just wanted to give you one of these((((((((((HUGS))))))))) and one of these:grouphug:
Please please dont do anything silly.
As suggested above phone the Samaritans to talk it through with them.
Yes I am sure your Gran will be disappointed...but think how much worse she would feel if you did do something silly...she would be upset that you couldnt talk to her.

OberonSH

Right. First thing you've been really brave. and sat down and written that post. Black slaps and hand claps for you love. You've done the hardest and most put-off bit of the process.

Now you have to work out what to do, now you've drawn a line under the problem - cos that's what you've done. It won;t get worse, you won;t get further in debt. The past is the past, and the thing about the man and money is there, not in the present.

Sit down, and work out what you owe to who, and then how much you can pay - even if it's only a £1 a month, you're showing willing. Write to them all, and tll them your situation, and offer your payment. Read some articles on here, there's designed to help people like us. Have you checked to make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to? Vhck out the local area for a job, doesn't matter what it is it'll keep you busy, get money coming in and make a big difference to your head - you'll be doing something actively about your situation.

See your doctor for help with the depression. Make the appointment TODAY. Now in fact. They can give you something to even out your mood, the rest is up to you. You can get the headspace you need to work stuff out.

I hope you work it out love - we've all been there, down in the dark. You have to see how brave you are, and find the lightswitch. It can be done, and there's loads of people here who have done it. Do something today to help the situation, and do another thing every day. Soon you'll be cackling about squashing loo rolls and hoarding £2 coins lik the rest of us.

Chin up love, you'll do it. You can do it, so get out there and do it!

10past6

Hi & welcome to the forum

We all have our issues, some more serious than others, sometimes we feel the only way out is to end it all, that's understandable when we are unable to think straight.

I've had some very serious / personal issues in my life, from being abused by a paedophile ring to attempting to hang myself, but you know what, I came through all my issues, and thank heavens I did.

I feel the biggest issue for you right now is your grandma, the debts are that, debts, but you feel like you've crossed the line with your gran, that can be repaired, with the right tools.

Is there anyone who you trust, someone who can act as a bridge between you and your gran?

You need to be able to tell your gran the situation you are in, only then will you be able to deal with the issues.

How about your granddad, do you trust him, maybe go out for a coffee or something with him, explain to him what you've done, as I say, you need someone to act as an intermediary between you and your gran.

Life can be both difficult and cruel, but nothing / nothing is worth dying for, that won't make any sense to you right now due to your emotional state, but flip the coin over, just imagine how you would feel once everything was out in the open, that's what you need to foucs on, try and be brave if you can, face the challenge.

Continue to post, in the meantime, I wish you all the support you deserve.

Lula-Hula

Hey hon,

Just want to say that today is the first day in your new life & what's happened before is in the past.

I agree with what others have said about seeking help, particularly making an appointment with Doc for depression. 6 months ago I was really struggling just to see the point in getting up every day & couldnt work out why, finally went to the doc who was very very symapthetic & helpful, suggested anti-depressants & now 3 months later I'm able to see a future & have found that I can cope with stuff including dealing with my debts. It's no crime not to be able to cope sometimes & it takes a very strong person to admit they're in trouble & to seek help. You've taken the first step so be proud of yourself for that. Please seek help from experts for your health & come back here where you will get more help & support for finding a way to deal with the debts.

(((hugs)))
Lula

poppyg_2

Well done for posting, it sounds like you've been through an awful time but things can only get better from now on and you've just made the first step on that way up

OK, firstly, does your grandma know about your drug problems?

The priority is of course to try and pay the debt that isn't in your name. Could you write to the creditors in your name with a £1 token payment and then maybe write the one/s in your gran's name offering a bigger payment?

Are you receving all the benefits you're entitled to now you've been signed off with depression? x x

HHH_2

I really feel for you, it's horrible to be in that dark place where you imagine the only way out is to kill yourself BUT look at the replies you've already had no one is condeming you they all want to help you. Your Gran would be devasted if she knew what you were comtemplating and other people who care about you too. You're at the start of your life and yes you've made some mistakes ( havent we all, I sure remember being so desperate I sold myself for money once and also feeling suicidal because of my debts) but you CAN do something about your problems. Take the very good advice offered in the above posts and then take it one day at a time. come back on here regularly they are such brill people who dont judge, and if you get one who does they're probably a troll so ignore them. Go on girl you can do it.xx

poppyg_2

Please come back and post again when you can, hope the replies so far are making you feel a little bit more positive x x

PM me or any of the others if you feel you want to email just one person x x