Think I need to leave but where do I start???

Sarahlou_2

Hello. It's my first time on here and really need some advice....

I'm married with a little boy of three. Saturday night was probably the worse night of my life.

To give an overview, OH and I were at a wedding, had a bit too much to drink and when we got home we started to argue. I got quite violent which I have never done before in my life, I hit my OH and scratched and bit him. I also told him I'd never loved him and said some awful things about his family. My neighbour called the police but they took no action as didn't feel it was appropriate.

The next day I left, my little boy was at my parents, who live approx hour bus ride away. I have come back to the house and my OH doesn't want me here. As soon as I arrived he went to the pub........

I need to leave but don't know where to go??? I can't stop at my parents as I need to be near work etc.

I honestly do not know where to start. I've lost everything.

belfastgirl23

hmmm - you say you need to leave but what do you want? What brought on the row? Do you love him? do you want a reconciliation? Or was this the final act in a marriage that was broken anyway?

Sorry to fire so many questions at you but difficult to know what to advise otherwise...

emmy05

why would you have to leave? is it solely his house?

id get onto the council first thing in the morning, as im sure you can stay in the marital home til accommodation is found for you x

Sarahlou_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

hmmm - you say you need to leave but what do you want? What brought on the row? Do you love him? do you want a reconciliation? Or was this the final act in a marriage that was broken anyway?

Sorry to fire so many questions at you but difficult to know what to advise otherwise...

That's ok, i'm grateful you replied....I want to keep our family together, We've a beautiful son that we both adore and I can't bear the thoought of him being upset. I do love him, I think looking back i said it to hurt him. But we argue a lot, he likes to go out a lot and can be argumentative. But I just don't know what to do. We've got a lot of debt too which means I can't afford to leave....

Sarahlou_2

emmy05 wrote: »

why would you have to leave? is it solely his house?

id get onto the council first thing in the morning, as im sure you can stay in the marital home til accommodation is found for you x

It's actually in my name. but he'd tried to lock me out when I came back this morning with my little boy and parents. I had to smash the chain off the door....

belfastgirl23

It sounds to me like you both need some support to figure out where you want to go. As a starting point I'd suggest apologising sincerely for the things you said and did on Saturday without making excuses. There aren't really any for physical violence in any case. But I also think you need to figure out why you did what you did so that you can make sure it never happens again.

I'd suggest you think about relationship counselling with Relate. Whether you decide to stay together or not you've got a son you need to jointly take care of so being on reasonable terms is very important. As far as I know you can go in an exploratory way without being committed to saving the marriage.

If and when you talk it's also worth trying to think about focusing on what you feel/felt rather than what your DH did. This might help take you out of a cycle of blaming and fighting. I find too wiht my own DH that being as calm as possible really helps change the tone from argument to discussion....

Are you tackling the debt? There is some really good advice on the debt free wannabe board on these forums, these guys have been there and bought the tshirt and are fantastic at supporting people just beginning a debt free journey. There's also the CCCS http://www.cccs.co.uk/ who are there to help you cope with things.

Lots of luck!

Sarahlou_2

Thanks Belfast Girl. i'm actually on a DMP and have had to go to court last week which got me a bit worked up. OH is on nights at the moment too so I'm not sleeping etc. I'm not using this as an excuse for what I did because as you quite rightly pointed out there is no excuse for violence.
I'd like to try and get to the bottom of why I did it. It just seems like a blur...

pandora205

Relate will usually offer an initial appointment quickly and they would see you on your own if OH wouldn't go. They would help you think things through from a relationship point of view and listen to both of you if your OH went along.

You probably need a bit of time to think things through rather than rushing into anything (like agreeing to leave the family home) which could have a number of consequences.

If you feel really desperate call the Samaritans. They don't just deal with people who are suicidal. Most people find them really helpful and non-judgemental.

belfastgirl23

Sarahlou wrote: »

Thanks Belfast Girl. i'm actually on a DMP and have had to go to court last week which got me a bit worked up. OH is on nights at the moment too so I'm not sleeping etc. I'm not using this as an excuse for what I did because as you quite rightly pointed out there is no excuse for violence.
I'd like to try and get to the bottom of why I did it. It just seems like a blur...

Would it be worth seeing your doctor? Do you think you might have had some kind of breakdown or might be suffering from depression? If you've been under this kind of pressure it might not be surprising. Others will know more about it than me though...

squidge60

i think for starters you need to give each other some space (do you have a friend or someone to stay with)and if you do see each other i would make it in a public place.was it the drink that made you act like you did or was it stuff you have held back and its all come out because of the situation.you say you love him i guess you are going to have to put out biggggggggg style but if he loves you he will forgive and you can both move on.hope you sort it but i would leave it for the minute .good luck i am sure it will be fine we have all been there.x

pinkshoes

Sarahlou wrote: »

I got quite violent which I have never done before in my life, I hit my OH and scratched and bit him

Sarahlou wrote: »

It's actually in my name. but he'd tried to lock me out when I came back this morning with my little boy and parents. I had to smash the chain off the door....

No offence, but your husband is probably rather afraid of you! :eek: If this was the other way round and a guy hitting his wife, then people would probably be advising HER to take the child and leave... It's not "cool" for a guy to be beaten up by his wife, so he's probably rather embarrassed and frightened you'll do it again.

I would see if your parents can look after your child for a bit, then sit down and talk things through, making sure you write everything down. Discuss the debt, talk about how you're managing it, how you could make things better, why you got so angry and attacked him, reassurance that you won't attack him again.

It sounds to me like you both still love each other, but with the debt, him working nights etc... it's all just got a bit too much for you, and the communication stopped.

How about both laying off the alcohol too?? It's certainly not going to help matters!