Should my mum move in with us?

HC_2

Perhaps you need to make a list of pros and cons.

Pros might include: the financial help, the babysitting, the joy you might have in living with your mum and the knowledge that you are doing the right thing by her.

Cons might include: her disapproval at your not getting showered and dressed till midday on a Sunday, not having your family meals as a foursome, trips to Thorpe Park having to be for five not four.

Just examples; I'm sure you already have your mental list for both.

If your mum moves in with you, I guess she's there until she passes away. I don't know how old you are, but that could be 20 years or more away.

squibbs25

My aunt and uncle had his mum come to live with them (this was at least 20 years ago) and she's still there. In the end they had to sell house to buy bigger (with granny annexe) as 2 powerful women in the kitchen just didnt work. One wanted to run the house her way, as did the other. Unfortunately the MIL is now really poorly and they are more tied down than ever as they can't leave her in the house by herself. (She got to be in her late 90's i think - so understandably she needs looking after)

When the MIL originally came the plans were they would still be able to live independant lives, go on seperate hols etc, sadly this never worked as when my aunt suggested a holiday the MIL was very excited to be going with them. Any family parties on my aunts side of the family her MIL ALWAYS attended.
While that was nice in some circumstances, it did cause a few problems on other things. Invites ALWAYS had to be addressed to Aunt/Uncle/Great Aunt (although she was not our great aunt, it was just politeness)

On reflection i could never live with either my own mum or my MIL, MIL is wonderful- we get on really well and also work together but i couldn't hack living with them. It would make me feel like a child again. Sorry if that sounds selfish but at least i'm being honest.
Luckily for me hubby feels the same about parents living with us. For us it's a definate NO NO!


Squibbs

ailuro2

Have her to stay for a month. It wont cost either of you any extra, but is long enough for the shine to start to wear off, if it's going to.

What if she wanted a pet? Or to bring a manfriend home.:o She's only 53, after all, not past it by any means!

Is it fair on your Mum to let her put herself in this position?

What if she met someone and left to live with him, would you resent the lack of childcare?

Perhaps if your Mum only works part time she could increase her hours and you could go over her finances with her to see if any savings could be made.

It is a terrible risk to take when you obviously have something very rare- a great relationship with your Mum. I would try all other means first before she came to stay for good.

dholtuk2

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm already having second thoughts. Its such a big step. I will definately give it a lot more thought. My mum is wonderful and we always invite her on trips out and take her on hols so that wouldn't be a problem cos the kids are dissapointed when she doesn't come. I am just worried about the getting old side of things and if this will become a problem as it wouldn't be fair on my children. Anyway I will give it much more thought but thank you all for your opinions. If there is anyone else who has been in this situation it would be great to hear from you x

Dill

I'm sorry to be negative, but like other posters here I'd definitely advise caution..

Getting on well with someone you see every day is different from having them in your house 24/7 and I fear that it might spoil your good relationship with your mum. Unfortunately I've seen this happen with my folks. (Long story!)

A granny annexe/separate living space might be do-able, but actually having her living in your house with you I think will put a strain on all of you, as there are bound to be times when you or she will want your own space.

Lillibet_2

My Mums' dad lived with my family when I was growing up, a lovely man who loved all his family dearly & was much loved in return, however the only arguments & tension I can ever remember were caused by differences of opinion between him & my parents. He was simply of a different era & had different views, it was a relief to all when he remarried when I was 13 and finally moved away, thus allowing us all a normal relationship with him. My dad always says to me now that no matter what the situation, I am NOT to have a parent or in-law to live with me, it puts too much preassure on the family. I will be taking this advice!

Good luck, whatever you decide;)

elona

A colleague of DHs who was in his 50s and had his MIL living with them found it very difficult.

There was just him and his wife (and MIL) at home.

They could never go out for a meal as she did not like being left alone.

They could not go away for a weekend as she did not want to go into respite care etc.

Eventually after years of this they managed to find an old age home for MIL.

DH and I both thought that was great as they would finally be able to enjoy being a couple.

Boy were we wrong - after a few months he ran off with a care assistant at the home!!!!

Gingernutmeg

I agree with the other posters. My grandparents live with my parents, and although they have a separate area of the house it is a very difficult situation. My grandparents have become very, very dependent on my mum especially and resent her having much in the way of time to herself. A romantic meal for two becomes a stressful meal for four as they resent being 'left out', holidays are difficult and even cooking meals is a problem, as they don't like the smell of garlic or onions so a door will get huffily slammed shut if they smell them cooking! It's the little things that cause problems, really, especially as people who are older sometimes feel that they shouldn't have to compromise. It's really not an easy situation and I personally wouldn't do it, I love my mum dearly but loving someone and living with someone are very different propositions! Personally I'd try to help your mum while still having her living in a situation where she's encouraged to maintain her own independence, I think in the long term that's a better way of maintaining a relationship.

bryanb

Just to put the other side of things a bit. although slightly different. My wife and I lived with married daughter and son in law for 3 years when we returned to UK a few years back. We were much appreciated for our help with childcare and with DIY around 3 houses (they moved) The houses were large enough to have private space etc. But we found it very difficult to keep our noses out of the business of how to bring up children. Our generation sees things very differently in this respect, there is no point giving examples, you can imagine the scenario. We always made clear to them that our stay was temporary, and we would move out if they wanted us to. At no stage did we ever get the impression that we should go. However after 2 house moves and 3 babies we decided that we were better off living elsewhere and visiting often. We found that the ability to go home was very important to us, in spite of genuine requests for us to stay living with them. We are early retired, just to clarify age group.

churchrat

my first thought was "are you completely MAD!!!" and then I thought "well-its your life!!"
I would never do this having lived with 2 different grandparents when I was younger. My friend had moved house with her father, husband and 13 yr old daughter 2 yrs ago. He was healthy enough then, but since has had 2 heart attacks and now has panic attacks when left alone. Beacause they sold both houses they are now finding that they could lose the house in order to fund his future care. (They did not look into all the aspects of living with an older relative)
The pros and cons list is a great idea, but get your mum to do one as well and see if some parts match.
If you did this and fell out in 6mnths time could she afford to move out?? or will you be stuck with each other for ever.
Please take time to think about this, and good luck with whatever you decide.