Should my mum move in with us?

dholtuk2

Just wanted peoples opinions on whether I should ask my mum to come and live with me and my husband and 2 children. My mum and dad split up over a year ago and mum is now living in rented accomodation and finding it hard financially. We all get on really well with her and see her every day anyway but just not sure whether it would work out if she was to live with us. It would help us all out financially and my mum loves having the kids so it would mean that me and my husband would be able to have more time to go out alone etc.:j I have mentioned the idea to both my mum and husband and they both think it would be ok but I really want to make sure it is right decision as I wouldn't want to risk ruining my marriage.
I would be very greatful for any advice xx

Bitsy_Beans

I guess if you laid down the ground rules for both your benefits it could work. Perhaps suggest a trial run to see how it goes? It sounds like you have a good relationship so that at least is a good starting point. I guess I would have to make it clear to my H that I'd only want him to say yes to the arrangement if he really meant it, now would not be the time to be polite. Also I'd sit down and discuss how you'd intend to have private time, would your mum be expected to stay in her room and vice versa.
Not sure of that helps you but these are the things I'd be thinking of.

dholtuk2

Many thanks for your reply. Yes that is exactly the info I was after. My husband gets on really well with my mum and they always have banter between them. I just dont want to ruin things. I also feel a bit guilty about my dad who may feel that I am taking sides on not helping him out.

PasturesNew

What changes to her income would that cause?
What would she gain from financially?
How long-term do you see this being?
What would be the route back to her independence?

dholtuk2

Thanks PasturesNew. We would be letting her stay rent free but she would contribute to all bills. She would be able to provide us with childcare free of charge which would help us. She works part time and has her own friends etc so she is already independent. If she was to move in with us it would be a permenant arrangement.

tanith

Could you possibly have your Mum to stay for a week or two just to see how you like it. Living in the same house is different to seeing each other every day.. You both might find the lack of privacy a bit more important than it seems now, and bumping into your Mum on the landing in her nightie might be a bit of a shock for your other half lol.... :rotfl: It does sound as though it might work for all of you but if she burns her bridges regarding her present home she might have difficulty finding another rental...

PasturesNew

How old is your mum?
If she meets Mr Right, she might want a bit of privacy.
As might you!

There's no point getting rid of the kids for the night, if your mum's sat in the corner chewing on her Werther's Originals!

I can't see it being a successful long-term arrangement unless there's a separate annexe area.

Bitsy_Beans

dholtuk2 wrote: »

Many thanks for your reply. Yes that is exactly the info I was after. My husband gets on really well with my mum and they always have banter between them. I just dont want to ruin things. I also feel a bit guilty about my dad who may feel that I am taking sides on not helping him out.

I guess you'd need to speak to your dad to make sure there is no issues there. Given that you obviously still speak to your dad how would the arrangement work if he was to visit? Is that likely at all? Would your mum be under pressure to vacate the house or stay in her room? Or are your parents on good terms?

In the past I've toyed with the idea of buying a place with my parents but the biggest issue for me is privacy and having your own space. I couldn't live with my parents as I did when I was younger but we could probably survive if we had our own corners to retreat to. Given most houses in the UK that's not much of an option.

HC_2

In this situation I would think once, twice, three times.

Your family dynamic will change irrevocably if your mother lives with you. Never again will it be 'the four of you'.

Unless you have a huge house, you will be on top of one another, and four will become five.

I know that sounds terribly negative. Certainly this situation can work beautifully for many people. But I'd urge you to think of the day-to-day scenarios before you make a decision.

dholtuk2

Thanks everyone. My mum is 53 and has no interest in finding another man even though I know it is a possibility. We have a huge loft conversion with en suite which she would stay in. There would be room for bedroom area and living area for her so she would have her own space. I do still speak to my dad but he never visits so that wouldn't be a problem. Glad I asked on here now as its good to know what other people think.

dholtuk2

HC wrote: »

In this situation I would think once, twice, three times.

Your family dynamic will change irrevocably if your mother lives with you. Never again will it be 'the four of you'.

Unless you have a huge house, you will be on top of one another, and four will become five.

I know that sounds terribly negative. Certainly this situation can work beautifully for many people. But I'd urge you to think of the day-to-day scenarios before you make a decision.

This is what worries me the most. I dont want to go from having the perfect relationship which we do now, to loathing each other.