Finances vs living situation (not sure what to do)

redrabbit29

Lavendyr wrote: »

Fair enough, but if you love someone and want to live with them, it can be worth the extra commute. My OH and I both commute an hour each way to work, so that we can live together. It's certainly worth it for us, but everyone has different priorities. Time isn't just money - I'd rather spend every evening with my OH than be home on my own and save a few quid, no question about it.

I don't mind commuting at all, as I work shifts so never travel during rush hour, plus I live right next to the motorway. It's just the money which is a bit of a downer (petrol isn't cheap!!).

redrabbit29

margaretclare wrote: »

......and also, he's not 'into' getting married.

What is he 'into' then? Getting on the housing ladder, but not getting married, not even in the long-term? Not planning on starting a family then, so why get on the housing ladder? Most of us wanted a house to raise a family in - oh, I forgot, we usually got married first.

So what if I don't want to get married? It's not mandatory is it.

Oh, and I forgot - people only buy houses if they want kids, or get married.

Oldernotwiser

If you don't mind sharing with other people and really like the house you live in, why don't you get someone in to share the house with you and your girlfriend? ( I assume that you have at least one other bedroom.)

Personally I agree with the other posters that you're looking for a way out of this relationship but haven't got the balls to do it properly. I feel sorry for your girlfriend; it sounds as if she'll be well rid of you!

Lavendyr

redrabbit29 wrote: »

I don't mind commuting at all, as I work shifts so never travel during rush hour, plus I live right next to the motorway. It's just the money which is a bit of a downer (petrol isn't cheap!!).

I can sympathise with the petrol as I rack up over 14k in my car every year now that I live with my OH. But it just seems from your posts that your priority is not your relationship, but your own personal gain, and I think what everyone is getting at is that if this relationship with your girlfriend is serious, you need to readjust your attitude towards joint gain and benefit. A strong relationship needs to have shared financial foundations and goals.

My OH and I, for instance, are renting and saving up together. We keep our accounts separate but we have the shared goal of saving a deposit for a house together. If we were to decide to live apart, it would be because we had discussed it and found that it benefited us both in our shared goals, not because either he or I chose to do something for individual gain. Moreover it would not be a decision based solely on money but also on the solidity of our relationship and how we felt. I can't see us ever going back to living apart now that we've lived together unless money became a real, real issue (i.e. if we were really, incredibly tight for money - which we're not, we save around £1k per month between us on average).

That's what worries me about your post. It sounds very much like "I want to move out from my partner so I can buy my house and maybe she'll come and live in my house when I've saved up enough." When perhaps a more healthy approach would be "My girlfriend and I have jointly decided to live apart in order that we can save more money towards our first house." See the difference?

redrabbit29

Lavendyr wrote: »

I can sympathise with the petrol as I rack up over 14k in my car every year now that I live with my OH. But it just seems from your posts that your priority is not your relationship, but your own personal gain, and I think what everyone is getting at is that if this relationship with your girlfriend is serious, you need to readjust your attitude towards joint gain and benefit. A strong relationship needs to have shared financial foundations and goals.

My OH and I, for instance, are renting and saving up together. We keep our accounts separate but we have the shared goal of saving a deposit for a house together. If we were to decide to live apart, it would be because we had discussed it and found that it benefited us both in our shared goals, not because either he or I chose to do something for individual gain. Moreover it would not be a decision based solely on money but also on the solidity of our relationship and how we felt. I can't see us ever going back to living apart now that we've lived together unless money became a real, real issue (i.e. if we were really, incredibly tight for money - which we're not, we save around £1k per month between us on average).

That's what worries me about your post. It sounds very much like "I want to move out from my partner so I can buy my house and maybe she'll come and live in my house when I've saved up enough." When perhaps a more healthy approach would be "My girlfriend and I have jointly decided to live apart in order that we can save more money towards our first house." See the difference?

Good post. I completely understand what you say, as reading it, it does sound as if I'm solely thinking about myself, but it is about both of us.

To clarify, I'm not looking for a way out of the relationship - although I do see that it looks like I am. I'm not a bad partner to my GF as some of you are making out. I am just feeling a bit like a deer in headlights, as my contract is due for renewal in 8 weeks, and I do feel it is the right time to look to buy. However, with it costing so much money (which I don't have (yet)), I was considering the change on a temporary basis to save more money quicker, so I/we can afford a deposit on the house quicker.

Some of the posters here have shared their opinion on what they think of me. Thanks to everyone for your comments, it has helped a lot.