One Wedding and two Families

miserly_mum

My Partner and I have been together for over 3 years and have a 2 year old son. I finally got my Decree Absolute just before Xmas last year and I have 5 children from my marriage but only the 2 youngest boys are still at home.

When I met OH he had his own house and when we decided to live together he rented it out to his sister until he sold it in January of this year.

We've bought my Council House(at a fantastic discount) with the profits After paying off the few small debts we had and doing up the house,buying a new car etc we have a little bit of money left over.

We'd like to use a couple of thousand (hopefully less) of this to get married with. Ideally a nice registry office do with a small reception at a local golf club and a party at night for friends ,neighbours and work mates. Well thats the theory!!!

The only thing putting us off is our respective families. OH's Mum and Dad are divorced and do not speak. His Dad is a heavy drinker and is loud and vulgar and doesn't know how to conduct himself in public. He was also physically violent to MIL and his children during their marriage. He broke her nose on several occasions.

None of his 4 kids speak to him except my OH and if he was there I doubt OH's Mum would go. If she didn't go then his brother and sister probably wouldn't go either outr of loyalty. Even if she did go I know it'd be very awkward for her if FIL was there.

If any of you read a previous thread I had on here about my SIL you will know the problems the family have with her. She won't wash herself, her clothes are manky and she also doesn't know how to conduct herself in public either, especially when drink is involved.

My Mum is dead but my Dad left her when I was 11 for his now wife. Since they got together my Dad had no time for me or later, my children. He doesn't send them birthday or Xmas presents and is now retired living permanently in Portugal. We have never actually fallen out but conversation can be difficult because we have so little contact and know so little about each others lives.

I feel I should invite him but don't really want his wife there. (She wasn't invited to my first wedding as my Mum was alive at the time)) Also Dad and his wife are a bit up themselves and i'm not sure how they'd react on meeting my inlaws. Acually the idea of them meeting makes me cringe

I also have problems with my oldest son (20) who is a drug user. I had to ask him to leave my house 2 1/2 years ago as he was stealing from us ,using drugs in the room he shared with his younger brothers and there were people coming to my door at all hours looking or money from him. If we invited him I couldn't guarentee what state he'd be in ,if he actually turned up at all.

OH and I have considered just going off and getting married on our own but I know my 2 daughters and my youngest boys would really enjoy the whole aspect of a "proper wedding".

My boys look on OH as their Dad and my daughters (17 and 19) get on extremely well with him as does my oldest daughters partner He is also a wonderful (if very young Grandad) to my 1 year old grandaughter who adores him. I also know MIL would be gutted if we got married without her being there as she and OH are very close.

All I want is a nice family day to look back on in years to come. Me and my children had a really bad time with my ex husband and I had lost all faith in men until I met my OH.

I'd love to have my 2 year old as a Pageboy and DGD as a wee flower girl and give them all a day to remember FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS Not a day with fighting ,dirty looks and embarrassing silences.

Have any of you had similar problems when planning a wedding and how did you get round them?

I would be greatful for any advice

Surfbabe

oh my goodness - If I was you I would go for a nice wedding with only the people you want there - ie your MIL and those of your children you wish to be there. Its your day and you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving people out - especially if they don;t have much contact with you.

Hope it works out for you

vixarooni

Lord almighty.

In your situation, invite who you want to be there with you. I think in your situation you can do this! This is about you and your partner, no one else. If you feel that by inviting someone will make others you want there not come, then dont invite that person.

Enjoy your wedding day, and i hope it all goes well for you.

Kez100

Think I would take the children you want on holiday and get married there. Even if budget stretches only to the UK, I'd pick a small country hotel. Low key, but a pretty and loving day all the same. Pay for the close relative - MIL - to go as well and ask if she would babysit some nights so you can treat it as a honeymoon too.

PasturesNew

I got lost. Can you list the ones you DO want there.

PasturesNew

Kez100 wrote: »

Think I would take the children you want on holiday and get married there. Even if budget stretches only to the UK, I'd pick a small country hotel. Low key, but a pretty and loving day all the same. Pay for the close relative - MIL - to go as well and ask if she would babysit some nights so you can treat it as a honeymoon too.

I was also about to write something like this. But didn't need to bother.

Keeping_Motivated

It sounds like all the people who you don't want there are people who have wither let you down, not been there for you or have hurt you so why do you feel bad not inviting them to your wedding? Have the wedding YOU want and invite the people who add value to your life and who you REALLY want at your wedding.

I know that is easier said than done but what is the alternative?

Good luck I know its hard work sorting things like this with families sometimes
KM x

cally1978

You can't choose your family but it is YOUR wedding and entirely up to you who you invite, from what you say about the drink and drugs - would they comprehend the fact they are not welcome?? If I were you I would be looking at low key, perhaps out of the way and then no danger of those not invited turning up..

Good Luck

Tigsteroonie

I haven't seen my Dad (and his second wife, and my half-brothers) since I was 18 and the maintenance payments stopped.

OH was reluctantly in touch with his Dad (divorced from his Mum) but didn't get on with him, still doesn't.

We had a small wedding, only about 16 guests, my lovely Stepdad gave me away. We didn't invite any of the estranged relatives, and we didn't feel remotely guilty! It was our day, so it was our choice of guests.

cazziebo

Kez100 wrote: »

Think I would take the children you want on holiday and get married there. Even if budget stretches only to the UK, I'd pick a small country hotel. Low key, but a pretty and loving day all the same. Pay for the close relative - MIL - to go as well and ask if she would babysit some nights so you can treat it as a honeymoon too.

I think this is a lovely idea. it can still be a "proper" wedding and everyone can dress up etc. My sister did something like this although she and her fiance/husband and best man/maid rented a chalet together. Some guests came for the day and some stayed in B&Bs or hotels. There was only about a dozen of us but it was really lovely. Ceremony was in Oban registry office which was very nice - and hundreds of miles away from most of the family!

It's your wedding, only invite those you want to be there. Have the most fantastic day!

miserly_mum

PasturesNew wrote: »

I got lost. Can you list the ones you DO want there.[/QUOTE

Its got nothing to do with not wanting anyone in particular coming to the wedding. Ideally everyone would come,get along and it'd be a great day but sadly I just don't see that happening.

I just want OH and me to be able to relax and enjoy our day without having to keep looking out of the corner of our eye for potentially awkward/ embarrassing/ explosive situations.

I love the idea of the combined wedding/family holiday. Organising it might be a pain but we're in no great hurry so would have time to check out suitable places.