Guarantor for dd's flat

moanymoany

I was thinking in the night about your dd. It suddenly struck me that if you said NO to her coming home she will NEVER end up homeless.

Think about it. She is used to the 'good life', comfort and ease. Mum and dad paying, getting her out of trouble, working part time. She will find a friend's floor until she gets herself a full time job and a room.

There are situations in life where a decision has to be made, but the choice is between two difficult options. This is one - and one we faced - you let her come home and make your lives an absolute misery - or - you say no, stand on your own two feet because the gravy train has run out of steam

No matter which route you take it will be difficult, guilt ridden and will make you feel unhappy. We took the no route and were glad we did. Our ds got himself together and grew up. The relief of not having the constant battles in the house far outweighed the guilt we felt at saying enough was enough.

I wish you luck. I am so glad that those days are behind us.

Claw_back_money

Phone calls made:
LL - said she owes £1200, £1400 to the end of the lease end June, which doesn't add up. We've asked him to put it in writing and agreed we'd ensure the money was paid.
DD - didn't have a lot to say really. Said the rent money she spent was mostly on bills. I thought it was quite a good conversation until she mentioned she was handing in her notice on one of her jobs. 'Why', said I, 'cos it sucks' she said. Sharp intake of breath from OH and me, and we then pointed out exactly how sensible this idea is (not). We've asked her to let us know the payment dates, and amounts, to try to make sure that we make the correct payment.
I think we are going to have to try and pay it over a couple of months, I doubt he'll let us go over more.
Cbm

barnaby-bear

Claw_back_money wrote: »

Phone calls made:
LL - said she owes £1200, £1400 to the end of the lease end June, which doesn't add up. We've asked him to put it in writing and agreed we'd ensure the money was paid.
DD - didn't have a lot to say really. Said the rent money she spent was mostly on bills. I thought it was quite a good conversation until she mentioned she was handing in her notice on one of her jobs. 'Why', said I, 'cos it sucks' she said. Sharp intake of breath from OH and me, and we then pointed out exactly how sensible this idea is (not). We've asked her to let us know the payment dates, and amounts, to try to make sure that we make the correct payment.
I think we are going to have to try and pay it over a couple of months, I doubt he'll let us go over more.
Cbm

Why the heck is this room still empty? If it was re-rented you wouldn't have to pay - surely the !!!!less daughter isn't too lazy to stick a couple of cards up round the student union?

Claw_back_money

SingleSue wrote: »

Very difficult one this....

At her age I was married and owned my own home plus having an income (a very good one at that!) and completely independent of my parents....now I am single, in rented housing and mum and dad have been a wonderful bank to help me out on occasions (always paid back in full on weekly terms without them asking for it)!

For me, it was my parents instilling in me the work ethic, I never received pocket money unless I did chores and once I got a part time job, pocket money ceased (age 12) ..plus I was the middle child and was sort of rather hissy and independent anyway. Nowadays though, in trying to instill those same values in my children, we find we hit a brick wall as apart from a paper round (which Eldest son has been on the list for the last 3 years!) employers want the 'children' to be 16....too late in my book for them to get any kind of idea of standing on their own two feet.

Not sure really what to suggest as your daughter probably is only doing what society expects nowadays and probably has friends who have parents who provide any wants (this is the one thrown at me by eldest son when I say no we haven't got the money!) but maybe if you try again to explain your own difficulties with money it may eventually get through ...... or you may even have to get tough, in a way, give her a lesson or two on life (not the nicest thing I know).

No matter what age our children, we never stop being parents and we can never resist opening the bank of mum and dad to help them out of a tight spot..... I know as I use the bank of mum and dad a fair bit and I am 38! But on the same token, we also need to make sure they stand on their own and take responsibilty for the basics.

I think the key bit here is that you
always paid back in full on weekly terms without them asking for it
We too have on ocasion gone to bank of mum and dad, we borrowed money for a car, for example. But we did pay it all back, on time, without being asked. DD seems to treat this like a piece of homework, avoid the teacher until you've done it, then hand it in. Some of the money we've given her we gifted, but other bits we called 'loans' and were quite upfront about our expectations, like the £100 she borrowed beginning of April from my OH, which SHE SAID he was to get back within a week. No sign of it. I imagine she may owe money all over the place.
We gave her the details of Christians Against Poverty which MiL recommended - the CAB didn't help her at all. Not sure if she's in a place to ask for help though. I did emphasise they may be able to stop the bank charges and credit card charges stacking up.
Cbm

Claw_back_money

moanymoany wrote: »

I was thinking in the night about your dd. It suddenly struck me that if you said NO to her coming home she will NEVER end up homeless.

Think about it. She is used to the 'good life', comfort and ease. Mum and dad paying, getting her out of trouble, working part time. She will find a friend's floor until she gets herself a full time job and a room.

There are situations in life where a decision has to be made, but the choice is between two difficult options. This is one - and one we faced - you let her come home and make your lives an absolute misery - or - you say no, stand on your own two feet because the gravy train has run out of steam

No matter which route you take it will be difficult, guilt ridden and will make you feel unhappy. We took the no route and were glad we did. Our ds got himself together and grew up. The relief of not having the constant battles in the house far outweighed the guilt we felt at saying enough was enough.

I wish you luck. I am so glad that those days are behind us.

It is really encouraging to hear about your DS, that there is an alternative. I don't know if she's going to try and come home at the mo, I think I mentioned that last week we said we'd want £50 a week.
We're already guilt ridden and unhappy about it - so good practice whatever happens I guess......
Thanks for your support
Cbm

Claw_back_money

barnaby-bear wrote: »

Why the heck is this room still empty? If it was re-rented you wouldn't have to pay - surely the !!!!less daughter isn't too lazy to stick a couple of cards up round the student union?

She's still living in it, and it short term rent (2 months) so v unlikely anyone would be moving into it for such a short term.
The others have found someone to move in next term, so she can't stay in September (thankfully). And we don't want to be guarantors again. OH has calculated that she has actually paid less than half of the year's money to the LL. But, if we're not guarantors, we can't see how she'll get somewhere else to live.
Cbm

barnaby-bear

Claw_back_money wrote: »

She's still living in it, and it short term rent (2 months) so v unlikely anyone would be moving into it for such a short term.
The others have found someone to move in next term, so she can't stay in September (thankfully). And we don't want to be guarantors again. OH has calculated that she has actually paid less than half of the year's money to the LL. But, if we're not guarantors, we can't see how she'll get somewhere else to live.
Cbm

So she's freeloading off you, either she earns enough to pay her bedsit rent (most young people can manage that - a lot of them don't have good english and yet they manage it) and she's spending it on other stuff or she doesn't earn enough and will be eligible for housing benefit. Most shared houses don't ask for guarantors just check you have a job, there's housing benefit and hostels and if she doesn't like the options she'll have to get a better job or a live in on chamber maiding at a hotel/caravan park.
You are being too gentle not nicking your parents money to pay your rent so you can party isn't exactly a hugely difficult one to work out.

immoral_angeluk

She's an adult and needs to be allowed to make her own mistakes. She's not a child and just because she's acting like one doesn't make it so. She needs to get some maturity and fast. Personally I wouldn't let her live with you again. She's not in dire need... she just wants to sponge off you because she knows you will let her.
If it were me I would sort out the rent issue and then draw a line so she knows she can't take you for mugs anymore.

BTW, for the record.. I'm 23. Moved out at 18 and found mse at 21. So I can also see things from her angle.

I hope you get something sorted out.

tallyhoh

My OH's parents bailed him out when he was your daughters age. I wish that they had not done so. Having done it once they could not see why it they shouldnt do it again & again & again.

I regret that he is now 56 & still taking his fathers money for???? well--who knows what.

If you are guarantor you will have to pay the outstanding amount. Tell the landlord you will no longer guarantee the rent & tell your daughter the same. End--NO more!

I left home when I was younger than your daughter, the rent was always paid by me as I had no one to fall back on??

Claw_back_money

We got the letter from the LL yesterday, £1,446 required to pay off until the end of June, when thankfully the lease runs out.

We still don't have a statement from DD stating what she has paid and when, but I'm beginning to think thats irrelevent as its unlikely to be accurate anyway.

I'm thinking that we'll offer to pay £500 now, thats about what we'd saved in the holiday pot so that bit will be sad but not painful.
£490 in early June, from salaries and scrimping all month.
and DD has agreed to start paying £85/wk again, so 6 payments 19th May - 23 June will be the rest. And we'll tell him that whatever she doesn't pay, we will.
I'm not sure he'll accept this, and he might want all the money by the end of the month - but his letter asks for our proposal within 10 days, not the money.

OH has told DD that she can only come home if she's got a job.

I've had a carp day and ended up buying and eating £3 worth of chocolate - at my desk at work - and not really tasting it. What a waste of money.

Cbm