Family issues - advice needed

georgina_fenwick

I can totally sympathise with you, we were in a similar situation with my husbands brother.

My husband his brother and their sister did not grow up together, my husband was brought up by his grandmother and his brother and sister were put into care at an early age, they both feel my husband owes them something for this, even though he was very young and had no control over what happened to him.

A few years ago his brother showed up and got a house near to where we live, but eventually got evicted for non payment of rent, (some mix up over housing benefit). He ended up living in a caravan in an alottment belonging to one of his friends.

We made the mistake of letting him get his post delivered to our house, on the condition that i opened whatever was delivered (to make sure it was nothing dodgy as he had made comments about getting a contract phone in someone elses name with whom he had a grudge).

All was fine, until one day my sister told me that she had seen him stop the postie and ask for his post, and the postie handed it over, in the street to someone who does not live at my address! Around the same time a few pieces of my post i was expecting never arrived (catalogue bills, etc...) and i never even considered this as the cause.

Anyway i had a few words with my postie (explained the situation) and he never did it again.

Anyway, to the point of my post, one day a letter came for him from the bailiffs and it said they were coming to MY address to take goods to pay for HIS debt.

So we went to the CAB and they made phone calls and got it sorted for me, i would not like for anyone to go through the worry i did, it's not nice.

We tried to help because at the end of the day i said he is family, he even went as far as to tell us he had something in his head and only had 6 months to live, he actually sat crying in my living room and asked my husband if it came to the worst, would he put him out of his misery!

For those who are still with me, sorry for the long post and thanks for reading.:rotfl:

MrsTinks

I have siblings with problems of their own too, and little scruples when it comes to borrowing from parents etc. Apparently a lot of it is my fault too because I was always doing well at school... go figure. Never mind that I concentrated at school because I'd never be as pretty as my model stepsister and knew I'd have to make a living the hard way. Any if I can't pay my bills I don't go out buying a new x-box like my step brother did and then had to borrow the money from his dad.
Enough about them
I'm glad someone could confirm about the funeral arrangements re the council etc. It is as I thought then
As for his debts then maybe I wasn't very clear If he takes it out in your name all you have to do is ask them to prove YOU signed the papers. You can never be made to pay his debts, I'm just pointing out things you need to do to avoid the hassle of having creditors turn up and having to prove YOU live there etc and he doesn't. A worst case would be them turning up and removing things and then having to bring them back when you prove it's all yours. Theoretically you can't be held liable for his debts or problems. It's just proving that you aren't liable that can be a hassle
Having lived at the same address shouldn't be a problem other than creditors trying to track him through you. All you have to say is you haven't been in contact with him and dont know where he lives and if they contact you again you will report them for harrassment.
Hope that helps put your mind at rest debtwise...
Family should be there to help you and support you... not cause you this much pain and anguish... and remember we're always here to support you

HHH_2

I would agree you need to distance yourself from him. why dont you write him a letter explaining why you feel as you do, not a nasty one but a clear account of why and how what he does affects you and your child. that way he cannot avoid realising that it's his actions which are causing the problem. you may feel slightly better about walking away if you've explained your feeelings to him. letters are good as there is not an argument and you get to say everything you want without interuption. it's good to get it off your chest and he cannot deny you have not told him why you dont want him around.

skintas_2

sounds like my brother, my brother had a bad drug habit, we was borrowing of my nan in secret left right and centre, now he has done all her savings she is 85. he has debts everywhere he had a palce got evicted. blames everyone elese for everything its never him. thank god he got sent away to re hab, and that hes decided hes not coming back, atleast us as a family can get on with our own life. iw as getting into debt, becasue he never repaid me money i lent and it had a knock on affect

floss2

:grouphug:
Sorry I can't add any more than the previous comments, but can I suggest you check your credit record, and continue to do so on a regular basis..... just in case. Better to be safe than sorry.

Floss x

bank_of_slate

Hi Muny,
How on earth does he keep getting these loans approved, is he lying on the application forms because surely when they do a credit check all the unpaid stuff would show up!
...Linda xx

chevalier

You mentioned in an earlier post, that you felt that you brother had issues that affect all of this, and as you are the only one around, you should help him deal with them. WRONG. HE has to deal with them by getting professional help from the right source. YOUR help will never be good enough, and only leaves you open to emotional black mail.

I too have a sibling who is a fantasist. There is always something round the corner that will sort them out. But it never happens. I have no idea where they are now, and if they turned up on my door step I am not sure I would let them in.

So can sympathise with where you are coming from. Yes blood is thicker than water, that is why you should look after you child first not him.

chev

RAS

munybtv wrote: »

I am worried that in 20 years time it will be my child he steals from etc so naturally i want to do the right thing by my child. I know you will all say disown him but we have only got each other now blood wise.

Do you have cousins, aunts, uncles? And sometimes friends are as important or more important. I think of a very old friend as a "second sister" despite the fact that I get on very well with my blood sister and her family.

My main questions...

Will I ever be liable for any of his debts as his 'next of kin' if you like?

No - if he has any sort of "estate" when he dies, it will be liable for any debts, but if there is not enough the debts die with him.

Sounds so morbid and awful but it has to be asked - will i have to pay for his funeral as he has nothing to his name.

You are not liable unless you wish to be. There is a funeral grant available or you could just let the state cremate him. If you do want to take care of this, get a very very small life insurance policy which will pay out, say anytime in the next 30 years. There is no reason for him to ever know.

What happens when he is too old to work he wont get a pension so where would he go if it wasnt with me.

he will be entitled to the pensions top-up and to housing benefit, fuel payments etc. Not enough to keep him in booze, but eough to keep a roof over his head.

The BIG question

Should i disown him, so he doesnt influence my child.

This is difficult as completely cutting him out may make him seem exotic and interesting. On the other hand, he is plainly not a good example. You need to develop an age suitable explanation which you up-date over the years. As you child get older that may include explaining that he has a history of borrowing money and not re-paying it which is why you do not have much contact.

I have had problems with my own brother, who made decisions based on the assumption that he would be able to profit from a family situation and got really cross when I refused to co-operate. He is charming but I do not trust him and avoid him outside family get togethers.

Your brother sounds like he is in a diferent league; not least because taking out a loan which you do not intend to pay is actually fraud, rather then financial misfortune. I experienced this sort of thing as a child and some of my brother's issues are a result of his contact with his father and the interesting moral stance he took on financial responsibility.

With regard to your own situation, I think you need to take some protective measures, as you have started to do in this post.

It is not a good idea for your on-line ID to be indentifiable to the extent that your brother can see your financial situation, so create a new one. Let you old one wither on the vine, as it were, or only update with stuff that you want him to know.

It may be a good idea to get your credit checks if you have not done so recently, just to make sure that he is not linked in any way. Also, stop him using your address for mail. Tell him to get stuff sent to his own home, and that after a certain date, anything will be returned to sender.

If he visits your home, then make sure that you keep your financial documents somewhere he should not be going. Sorry if this seems neurotic but if he has stolen stuff in the past, then you would be most unwise to have documents or account information anywhere that he could get hold of them. ID regulations are better these days but I have known accounts be cleared by peole who did not own them.

The other rather morbid thing you need to consider if your will, I do no know if you have a partner but if not, you need to make quite sure that DB is not able to access your estate, as your child is too young to administer the estate. Appoint executors that you trust and make sure they know about DB.

MrsTinks

RAS makes a very good point about executors that hadn't even occured to me! Definitely make sure you have a will and he is not included in it other than to exclude him from access to the child etc - even if you do have a partner make sure there can be NO mistakes...