Family issues - advice needed

munybtv

(Not strictly debt free wannabee more like debt wannabee!!)

I need some advice please and use this site quite a lot but the family member i am going to talk about knows my username so for that purpose i am using an alias!! Please dont be offended about this, i am always open and honest on my own username, but as i am talking about someone else i dont want any repercussions. Please bear with me.

I have a brother ten years my senior and his lifestyle is becoming very worrying to me financially, well in all aspects actually. In the past few years I have become a parent and am naturally thinking more about my future, hence post.

Basically my brother is nearly 40 and i found out a worrying story today about him, which is when he was younger blackmailed my father into paying of a v large loan for him which was never repaid back. This is over 20 years ago when he first got credit he went a bit crazy and ran up big debts. Father bailed him out in order to keep him in his life. I think his problems stem from there as he has never had to learn. Since then he has done so much bad stuff, ordering thousands of pounds of goods then moving to avoid the bill, never repaying loans, stole of me, etc I could fill a page with all the stuff. He is not 'known' to any tax authorities as far as i know - he works for himself in a hand to mouth existence (makes enough for fags and alcohol - this is another story) anything else he fancies is on credit which he then ignores. Most recently he got a *massive* loan after all previous debts had been written off after the 6 year rule. Now after a month of repaying he has decided not to as the debt agency is easier to deal with than the company!! But i think he is only saying that to appease me becos i dont think he will ever pay. The company appears not to have passed it on to anyone yet - he is still getting letters from them not a dca.

Now to my issue - besides the blinding obvious :mad: .
I am worried that in 20 years time it will be my child he steals from etc so naturally i want to do the right thing by my child. I know you will all say disown him but we have only got each other now blood wise.

My main questions...

Will i ever be liable for any of his debts as his 'next of kin' if you like?

Sounds so morbid and awful but it has to be asked - will i have to pay for his funeral as he has nothing to his name. I feel awful asking this and of course i would offer but i would rather resent being forced, do you know what i mean.

What happens when he is too old to work he wont get a pension so where would he go if it wasnt with me

The BIG question

Should i disown him, so he doesnt influence my child.

Feel free to ask any questions, this post is long im sorry.

Deep_In_Debt

Hi Welcome. Can't answer your questions but I'm sure experts will be along soon.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. I had 2 older bros and one was very much like yours. He's not around any more but that's another story and not for the DFW board. I never disowned my brother, hence part of the reason why I'm in debt, but that was because everyone else did. Anyway, sorry, can't offer any solid financial advice but just sending you some hugs.

MrsTinks

I don't know if my view is the right view, if it's advice you should take... but this is what I would do...

Walk away.

The practical answer to your question about debt liability is no you will not be liable for any of his debts so long as you do not put your name on any of his accounts, cards etc etc have NO financial products with both of you on them and where possible avoid having him live or use your address for anything. Not that it will mean you get his debt, just making it easier for you to not have to explain to any DCA or Bailiff that you are not him and not associated etc etc
Funeral - if he passes away and the council can track you then they will ask if you want to pay for the funeral, otherwise I think the council pays for a minimal cremation and a small plaque. I doubt anyone can MAKE you pay for his funeral if you don't want to

They say blood is thicker than water, well yes, but blood betrayal is worse than anything else too! Would I want him round my children? No.
I think until he can be a brother and you feel you can trust him then I'd have minimal contact - he might be the only blood you have left, your only sibling, but is he your brother in the true sense of the word?

Best of luck...

munybtv

Thank you both for you words
Deep in debt, thank you. I was under credit getting age when most of this happened when he was 18 but obviously now i am in a good financial situation but obv with problems like everyone else on here! But he knows my salary and tries the blackmail route with me (I have just managed to get 200 out of him he has owed me for 2 years) I dont know whether disown is the right word really as i am willing to stay in touch by phone etc but not be around him cos he cud get my cards, emotional blackmail me etc but at the same time i can see he has underlying issues someone needs to help him address. That someone should be me really.

Tine
Thank you, I completely agree with you, its just easier for a third party really isnt it. My friends have been saying it for years. Years ago i did live with him but there was no joint tenancy as it was a verbal agreement with landy. Again no debts in joint names but i suppose an audit trail could link us or old electoral roles. We're talking 7 years ago though. I suppose a determined baliff could try the long shot route. I do receive some post here for him occasionally but usual his idea of important stuff like concert tickets, holiday brochures etc as his postie is unreliable becos my brothers house looks derelict. Will stop this immediately Thanks for pointing it out

asp746

i've been in your boat and disowned my brother. I didn't make any grand announcements or anything but i did tell him to stop coming around for a while until he'd sorted himself out because I didn't want my kids to be seeing him drunk. Also he used to talk absolute baloney - because he was always merry etc.

i just didn't want my kids thinking its ok to be getting p&**ed and not working or having a nice home. He's also stolen off me - when he left my house to move into his flat i was at work and came home to empty food cupboards and a load of towels had vanished. I cried my heart out as at the time i was totally skint and had to ask a friend at work for a few quid till payday. No way would i let him around my kids.

I've never regretted my decision but its about 8yrs now but i do feel upset because its not something i wanted to do but HAD to do.

His 20 yr old daughter has also recently told him to stop getting in touch. Phoning her up P&^%ed and talking about how upset he is. Blah blah blah. I just can't believe his body's still holding up after years of boozing.

Deep_In_Debt

Muny, I do know where you are coming from. I made the mistake of helping him financially as he had no one else - felt sorry for him when no-one else cared. I couldn't disown him but in the end but had to keep the contact minimal for my sanity and my health. It is hard but please look after yourself.

munybtv

Thanks asp
Luckily i dont see that side of things with him. Hes a quiet dunk if you know what i mean. Poor you though that sounds awful and you made the right decision... its hard enough to raise kids in todays society without uncle xxx going round drunk showing how things could be. (I hope this hasnt offended as i know from my experience if anyone insults my family i go mad - i dont mean it this way at all)
I know what you mean though you still wonder if you made the right decision. I dont speak to my father for the very same reasons as you and your brother. Its been a number of years but i still get occasional abuse from him so that reinforces my belief of my decision

meerkat2007

You are not your brother's keeper. Your priority has to be to look after yourself and your child. Walk away from him.

Deep_In_Debt

I agree with meerkat and tine - walk away. It's hard but but think of your child. My brother would come to my house and take drugs openly and drink too. My daughter saw it when she came home from school whilst I was at work so she went to live with her dad because she couldn't handle it. I lost one of the most important things in my life. Thankfully, we are still quite close. She's at uni and doing well - although the student debts are mounting. Yikes!

munybtv

Hi Deep and Meer
Thank you both
Its definately the right thing to do and with my debt free journey i know he has a bit of green eyed monster syndrome as he knows i can afford things he cant. He has seen my diary on here so he knows my earnings, outgoings, any bit of cash i come into and he can see my debt dwindling (yay). I think the best is to dwindle out the calls visits etc (although i dont visit him as his house is at best squalid and no place for a child, he visits me). I will keep him at arms length and then see where it goes in a few months. I just hope that no debts get sent here or he gets credit in my name etc as I really dont need any comeback from him.

Deep_In_Debt

muny, you're right. Try and reduce the contact and don't give anything away. Referring to your original post and whilst this sounds a bit morbid, I couldn't afford to pay for my bro's funeral although I was the only one that turned up, the council did pay for a cremation and a basic plaque at the local crematorium. Sorry to be so depressing. I gave the council a breakdown of my income and inexpenditure and they could see I couldn't afford to pay for it.

Above all, you and your child are the most important.