Help!!!

shortbread

Hi , I really could be doing with some advice. I have a male friend who suffers from severe depression and social phobia. (we used to be an item until 2 years ago, we did live together). He got really bad and decided that he could no longer cope in a relationship, If I am honest it was a terrible struggle for me at the time as I had just lost my father. So we went our separate ways and I moved out and on with my life. However we have always stayed friends as he is a lovely guy but very vulnerable. I have often stayed with him at his house with my son simply for support particularly when he is very down..........often suicidal. We ARE NOT a couple however as I no longer have these feelings and he is not in the right place to be considering relationships. He has three bedrooms and would never consider anything more. He often looks after my son when I have to work on an evening etc and I do his shopping and pay his bills etc...........so it is a mutual agreement as I now live with my brother who is an alcoholic and often like to be out of the house.

Anyhow I feel that I have caused a serious issue for him.............his goodness and need for someone to be around him has led to him receiving a letter for an interview under caution about an alleged undisclosed partner. I feel so, so so bad because obviously it is about me!

He is at his wits end with worry and cant sleep or eat .............he called and told them he is very concerned as he has not had a partner in years, and the woman said we have evidence of someone at your address. My address for work and CSA is my brothers, so what other kind of proof would they possibly have?

I feel so bad for my friend as he never asks for any cash etc when I am there, I buy my own food and yes I do now and again make him some dinner. I feel gutted as he had just previously asked me if I wanted the two spare rooms for me and my son on a permanent basis...........now this has scared him witless!

We have considered moving in together as friends...................can he do this if he receives HB ,Incapacity benefit and DLA ??? I am quite willing to pay the rent if needed!!! I would hate for him to have to pay a huge amount of rent just because I am there............though as I said I would be willing to as I know he needs the support and he is a great friend.

Can anyone give advice about what has happened? I would really appreciate something !!!


Thank you in advance

Conor_3

What has probably happened is that someone has reported this and the investigation team have probably witnessed you coming and going from the house in a pattern consistent with someone who is living there (times and bringing in shopping etc) which is what you are doing.

Basically, if someone stays at a claimants address more than a couple of nights per week, the claimant has to inform the DSS as it affects their claim.

You paying his bills etc will have a direct effect on his benefits and housing benefit as it is classed as income.

If you moved in, it would have an effect on his benefits regardless of whether it was done as a lodger/tenant type arrangement or as a friend/partner.

shortbread

Hiya, when I say pay his bills...............I mean with his cash not mines as he does not go out the house at all what so ever..

I do realise now that we should have made it official and i should have just moved in permanently, but it is often difficult to talk to him about finances etc as he is a very private person and often forgets what is going on from day to day! His illness has left him very dis orientated and low and some days he cant even remember what day it is..........I wish I had just taken this in hand now as there is no way we he has been trying to cheat the system as he hates the fact he is on benefits at the best of times.

I feel really bad about all this and I am really worried about what will happen and his state of mind.

Fran

You should write them a letter explaining from your point of view. Also you could speak to people on his behalf with his permission. Is moving in with him really what you want or is it just a better alternative than living with an alcoholic? It perhaps wouldn't be a good idea to make him totally reliant on you as there is then no "incentive" to look after himself even in the times he feels a bit better. Suicidal feelings obviously aren't good, is he on the correct medication and has he told his doctor about this? Again, with his permission you could speak to his doctor and/or whoever he deals with. Has he had the right referrals for his mental health? What about your son if you move in - your friend will then be a male role model, though maybe that is preferable to an alcolholic. Can you find somewhere to live for yourself and son?

If you decide to move in, regarding benefits his IB and DLA won't be affected but the Housing and Council Tax Benefits would and there would be a non dependant deduction taken from them, the amount depending on your income. This amount you would need to contribute to make up the full rent (however the onus is on him to ask you for it, no-one will chase you for it).

The best thing you can do for your friend is make sure he is getting all the professional help possible in his local area and though you feel generous towards him, don't forget to consider what is best for you and your son too.

donnalove

so if he really is that bad, disintoriated and doesn't know what day it is, how on earth do you even consider leaving your son with him!!!! isn't this putting him in danger?

shortbread

My son is 15.............old enough to be ok, I just prefer him to be with someone rather than alone when I'm out working.

I'm wondering if a lot of people actually come on here to make judgements of their own life so they can actually avoid their own!!! I did not come on here for a lecture from people who read a few words then start barking judgements.

Donna Love.....This guy is confused, lonely and depressed, he is not Fred West!!!! His confusion and depression affects his daily life not anyone else's, should he be locked away for everyone else's safety just because he has some mental health issues........best break open the asylums again then eh????

I asked for advice about the situation he is now in not a lecture and Madness test or morality assessment !!!!

I would appreciate some serious advice on the letter not about his mental state!!! I do appreciate the empathy and understanding shown about the situation though!!!

krisskross

shortbread

I think it is a bit unfair to jump on donnalove. You stated that this friend 'looks after' your son so it was fair comment to wonder if , given your description of your friend's mental state, he is a suitable person. But then I guess it is your business as he is your son.

donnalove

ok i appologise but you did not give the age of your son in opening post, i work(voluntarily) with people with mental health issues, i have seen people in the state you are describing your friend and to me they are in no fit state to look after young children. Your son is a young adult therefore the roles would be slightly reveresed.

if you move in with him , then yes his hb will be affected and any income support if he recieves it. dla in ib will not be affected. As he has recieved the letter you need to be as honest as possible in telling them why you stay.
He really should have a keyworker that could help him deal with things like this, does he?

shortbread

Hi Donna..........I too apolgise for my harsh statements. However I also work with adults with mental health and learning difficulties and I am constantly angered by ignorant peoples views and judgments regarding anyone living with either of these conditions. Too many people pass judgments that they nothing about and often condemn people for no good reason!! Like I said he is depressed and confused not a mass murderer. He is a good guy and the only person his conditions hurts is himself! It does not make him a monster nor incapable. I do appreciate that i did only write my son.............and as you can see this is were people pass judgments that do no good to anyone. My son respects him for who he is not what his illness has done to him. I have been honest with my son and have raised him as a young adult who has the respect and compassion to appreciate how this affects my friend.

He should have key workers and social workers but as like many NHS patients there are always back logs and several months waiting lists!!! Hopefully this will be resolved!

I appreciate the information you have given Re Benefits however he only receives IB and DLA. I do appreciate the information you are giving and know that I sounded very harsh but I hope you can see that I was quite annoyed at what I figured was just another judgement being made rather than the advice requested!

Hopefully letting the Council know the actual situation will resolve this issue. I just feel bad that is has caused him such concern and that yes we should have informed the HB about the fact that I often stay!!! (sad that we live in a world were we have to answer to such things)

We will sort this out and get it all changed if and when I move into his house into the spare rooms! I am quite willing to pay part of the rent to live there!!!


Thank you for you time and understanding of the situation !

C x

dippy3103

Has your freind got anybody to take to the interview with him? From what you have said it sounds to me that he should have a friend there, possibly in the capacity of appropriate adult as he sounds as if he should be treated as a vulnerable person.
It should not be the OP as they are connected to the investigation. As you are dealing with the council not the DWP, then the investigator will allmost certainly not be privy to the diagnosis that has caused your friend to be on benefit.

shortbread

Thanks all for the concern regarding his mental health , it is most appreciated!

He went for the Interview Under caution today and was questioned about finance applications we made together recently to see if we could afford a shared car(his family lives 40 miles away and he has no means of getting there apart from a car.....I need to learn to drive for my job). This was made as a mutual way of trying to solve both our issues. However these applications were just feeler to see if we could afford it, turns out it was just a pipe dream. Anyhow these and a few other mails that I get to his home simply because my home address is a shared letterbox (scary when mail goes missing) were produced. They did question this and he told them it was simply for protection of certain mail etc.

He explained that i am there on occasion but not as a partner and that he would like me to move in to share the house. They said that from his situation it sounded like the best solution if I am there a lot and I am his main care giver.

However they did comment on the fact that my brother who works, gets a single person deduction from his council tax bill.................I really had no idea he hadn't changed that, and to be honest I don't think it is something he considered that he was doing wrong, he is not really up on council tax and housing benefit etc, so it really was an honest mistake, that needs to be rectified.

However I have decided that it would be best for me to leave my brothers and just move my stuff into my friends house as it means that we are doing each other a favour. Obviously he needs to make a new application regarding this.

I'm just wondering what anyone thinks about the situation with regard to WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW THE INTERVIEW IS DONE. He confirmed that I do stay there a few nights a week but they never said I should not.................and he confirmed that if anyone moved into the house he would let the council Know asap.

Can anyone tell me what they think may happen next with regards to the allegations??? I am considering writing a letter explaining the issues I have caused for both my friend and my brother and be honest about the situation, does this seem a good idea??? I hate that I have caused issues for them both!!!

I really would appreciate some input from people who know anything about these situations


Much obliged C x