How can i help my parents?

yoni_one

squibbs25 wrote: »

As i mentioned before step dad is disabled, does his DLA have to be taken into consideration as money coming in or as the debts are soley in her name (apart from one credit card which is in his, but she is second cardholder) is his DLA exempt.
I asked her how has it come to this - sadly, there is nothing of value to show for being in this much debt. He reply is it all christmas and birthday pressie's.
Which ok some of it might be but nowhere near all of it.
I'm scared that we are not going to get anywhere with this as i dont think she will accept there is a spending problem.

I want to sound positive for her and non judgemential and need to get this right first time.

I don't know if his DLA would be considered eligible income for this purpose, maybe CAB or Welfare Rights could help advise and support? Also if it applies to your mum Age Concern can offer support with debt too.

Your mum is clearly down about it so she recognises there is a problem, however if she views this as a debt problem rather than a spending problem then I think, as she has enlisted your help, you are entitled to express an opinion regarding her lack of responsibility for the debt. Unless someone else did the spending then it didnt get there on it's own and if you try and support her current thinking then you could be validating it in her eyes.

Personally I wouldn't judge her for what has happened but I would challenge the way she thinks and deals with it now if she still doesn't accept responsibility.

The aim here isn't how to make it so she can spend again (and incur yet more debt), the aim is to clear the debts and stop handing over wads of money in interest for items that were so worth having she can't even remember what they are.

Unless of course there is something she isn't telling you regarding what the money is going on.

I hope I don't sound harsh, I just want to clarify what IMO the difference between helpful and unhelpful support is.

squibbs25

I see it as a spending problem rather than a debt problem.
How do i address it to mum in that way without it sounding like critisism?
I want to be fair yet not too soft (if that makes sense).

margaretclare

You mentioned catalogues and car loans. These are IMHO the devil's own, the easiest way to get into debt, the 'slippery slope' if you like. Catalogues, the kind you buy something from and pay for over 20 weeks are, as I see it, the kind of 'will you walk into my parlour said the spider to the fly?' Very, very easy, and so convenient, which of course is part of their marketing ploy. And storecards, same thing. Just have a look at the total interest she's paying on those catalogue debts, which she probably doesn't even see as debt. I would ban the darned things altogether, but then, I'd have the argument 'oh they're so useful for people on low incomes without access to other forms of credit'....

Car loans, especially for new cars, which depreciate the moment you drive them off the garage forecourt. Given time over again I'd never never never take out another car loan!

Re mum's spending problems, how about getting her to draw up a budget as Martin's template shows? Once she can see what she's got coming in, what has to go out in terms of essentials, and what (if anything) she has left, it could put the whole thing into perspective for her.

squibbs25

margaretclare wrote: »

Re mum's spending problems, how about getting her to draw up a budget as Martin's template shows? Once she can see what she's got coming in, what has to go out in terms of essentials, and what (if anything) she has left, it could put the whole thing into perspective for her.

This may well be her 'lightbulb' moment, as she realises she cant go on the way they are.

yoni_one

margaretclare wrote: »

Re mum's spending problems, how about getting her to draw up a budget as Martin's template shows? Once she can see what she's got coming in, what has to go out in terms of essentials, and what (if anything) she has left, it could put the whole thing into perspective for her.

Wot she said :T

*Edit: Oh and wot you said too while I was looking at wot she said

JimmyTheWig

I agree with margretclare about the budget.
Not only is it essential in terms of how she is going to pay the debts off, but it will also help to highlight the initial problem...

*Edit: I.e. I agree with wot margretclare said and wot yoni_one said and wot you said.

yoni_one

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

*Edit: I.e. I agree with wot margretclare said and wot yoni_one said and wot you said.

:grouphug: :rotfl:

Errata

squibbs25 wrote: »

I see it as a spending problem rather than a debt problem.
How do i address it to mum in that way without it sounding like critisism?
I want to be fair yet not too soft (if that makes sense).

You're right, it is a spending problem. This often happens when people are depressed They try to fill the black hole by buying stuff in the hope it will make them feel better but it doesn't, and then they get even more depressed about the amount of stuff they've bought and how big their debts are.

Could you talk to your mum along these lines? She must be having and has had a rotten time with depression, would it help if your stepdad knew absolutely everything and committed himself to helping her get some control over her life. He's being enjoying some of the fruits of her spending so I think he has to take some responsibility for sorting them out. HTH