How can i help my parents?

squibbs25

I rang my mum yesterday to say hello and catch up, while we were on the phone she sounded very subdued. She's suffered with depression on and off over the years, and the dr has put her back on anti-depressants.
I knew something was troubling her and she has finally admitted to me that she is in debt. Heavy debt.
She is struggleing to make payment on her credit cards, therefore resulting in late payment fee's, and as she is max'd out on all her cards, the late payment fee is sending her over the credit limit, which in turn they are fining her for, which is then again sending her over the limit therefore resulting in one big circle.
She owes money here there and just about everywhere.
How it has come to this i honestly dont understand.

She is coming round on Wednesday to try and sort out some of this mess.
I have offered to write to her creditors with her but i really don't know where to start.
Firstly i want to support her as she can be very 'fragile' at times but at the same time she has to stop bury-ing her head in the sand and face up to what is going on.

Does anyone have any suggestions on where to start and what to do.
I think i'm after some moral support too as this is not going to be an easy task.
I will be posting on the debt free board too, to see what advice they can give on there.

Thanks for 'listening' to me.

Squibbs x

Merlot

hi squibbs,

If you could post this on the Debt Free Board, the guys over there will help you.

Merlot.x.

Merlot

Can I suggest you have a look at this website, its the CCCS, a debt charity, they DO NOT CHARGE anything and are fab. Take a look and get your mother to read it also, there is always a solution to Debt repayment.http://www.cccs.co.uk/

Merlot.x.

Paparika

Show her this website...

Make it clear to her that to be in debt has no shame, but there are hundreds of people on here in the same boat, and are surviving, have a good look with your mum at the debt free board, and get some good solid advice.

Your being supportive as your here, keep it up, and give your mum a hug :grouphug:

yoni_one

squibbs, I have just been through the very same thing with my mother but it is more of a mess because she has allowed my brother to use a card in her name in good faith that he would pay it off and he didnt, she is now in massive debt because of it.

On the practical side there is much can be done and CCCS is your best starting point (alongside the debt free board here). As for how to best support her I would suggest that you keep reminding her she has options and try and encourage her to do as much of the work to resolve it herself as possible. I say this because at first I found I was doing all the work to help my mum and although she was grateful she wasn't learning anything or feeling empowered.

I went away on holiday and left her with some things to respond to herself, she was aware the consequences of leaving it til I came how would be great so she just got on with it. It was wonderful to return and find her proud of herself for taking control. Now all I do is listen when she is upset, try very hard not to judge her (or my brother who she wont hear a word against) and offer advice when she asks it.

There has been a complete turnaround in her wellbeing since she found hope and the confidence to stop relying on me.

I wish you and your mum all the best for the future.

yoni_one

btw, you are right it isnt going to be easy seeing your mum so upset and in such a position but thankfully she was able to turn to you for support. That in itself says alot.

There is light ahead for both of you and if anything my experience with my mum as brought us closer and we consciously appreciate each other more.

margaretclare

Good for you for trying to help.

It's possible to learn better financial management even at a fairly advanced age!

As a parent it's difficult to say 'no' e.g. yoni_one's brother, but once they are grown up they are really on their own. Approaching retirement, you know you're never going to be able to earn a good living in the future and you have to make the most of what you have. You have to look out for yourself.

The most valuable financial lesson I ever learned was from DH, and I was in my 60s then. It was 'Don't try to save when you're in debt, because the interest you get on savings is always going to be less than the interest you're paying out on debts'. When I was really struggling - before I met him - I was still trying to put money into grandchildren's savings!! How futile that was.

Another lesson: try to avoid having bank charges, late payment charges and bounced direct debits. One year - the year I met DH in fact - I paid out £700 in total in these charges. As I was only earning about £600 a month at the time it was a huge waste.

HTH, and good luck!

Craftyscholar

margaretclare wrote: »

The most valuable financial lesson I ever learned was from DH, and I was in my 60s then. It was 'Don't try to save when you're in debt, because the interest you get on savings is always going to be less than the interest you're paying out on debts'.

I know that is the right advice but I would be concerned about getting in debt again and not having my savings cushion. (I cleared my CCs off my lump sum when I retired 17 months ago but have been using them and not clearing again - so I have form!. Which probably means I should change my sig.)

pboae

Merlot wrote: »

Can I suggest you have a look at this website, its the CCCS, a debt charity, they DO NOT CHARGE anything and are fab. Take a look and get your mother to read it also, there is always a solution to Debt repayment.http://www.cccs.co.uk/

Merlot.x.

Another recommendation for CCCS, and also the debt free wanabee board here. Just be aware that a lot of dodgy companies have set up with similar names to CCCS, your Mum wants the one Merlot linked to who don't charge and are very reputable and helpful.

Good luck :-)

margaretclare

Craftyscholar wrote: »

I know that is the right advice but I would be concerned about getting in debt again and not having my savings cushion. (I cleared my CCs off my lump sum when I retired 17 months ago but have been using them and not clearing again - so I have form!. Which probably means I should change my sig.)

Once you're out of debt, yes, of course you can start to save. It's always as well to have a 'savings cushion' or 'rainy day money' because you don't know what's going to be round the corner - the fridge packs up, the car breaks down, whatever.

It could be argued that even while you're still in debt you're as well to have that cushion. There's saving and 'saving' and I'm not saying what's right and what's wrong - people must make up their own minds according to their personal circumstances.

squibbs25

Thank you for your encouraging stories.
Mum is coming round tomorrow, not too sure if step dad is coming.
I don't even know if he knows the extent of these debts.
I got a vague run down on the list of companies (mostly credit cards and a couple of catalogues + bank load + car loan)
As i mentioned before step dad is disabled, does his DLA have to be taken into consideration as money coming in or as the debts are soley in her name (apart from one credit card which is in his, but she is second cardholder) is his DLA exempt.
I asked her how has it come to this - sadly, there is nothing of value to show for being in this much debt. He reply is it all christmas and birthday pressie's.
Which ok some of it might be but nowhere near all of it.
I'm scared that we are not going to get anywhere with this as i dont think she will accept there is a spending problem.

I want to sound positive for her and non judgemential and need to get this right first time.
At least i know i can count on you guys when i pulling my hair out :eek: .

Thank you for your support.

Squibbs