Daughter with a husband whose got a problem!

Ms-Money-Penny

My daughter married a guy last year and before they got married, we all knew he had a gambling problem.Lately he has got worse though.He goes out every friday night down his local pub and him and group of friends play cards.Money on the table can be anything from £100 to £600.She has tried to stop him but to know avail.He is also a compulsive gambler in the bookies.He spends every day there and sometimes he has a good day but still he stays there and eventually loses it all anyway. He has admitted he has a problem but he is one of those people who wont sort it out.When he was out of wrk last yr, he also run up a -£770 overdraft which he cant clear.My daughter is at her wits end plus they have a 9 month old baby.PLEASE could someone help!any suggestions would be great! Thanks!

homersimpson_3

contact gamblers anonymous and other agencies for advice. encourage him to go. daughter to go with him.
how he is financing his gambling- is he working? if so when, if he is in bookies all day? does your daughter work? is money coming out of joint account? if he has been gambling for about a year (before and during marriage) how much is real debt- £770 sound quite low if he is gambling so much over a long period. - if daughter pays wages into joint account, or receive benefits (child benefit, tax credit etc) i suggest she sets up seperate account so that way there's at least some money to pay bills. tell husband what you're proposing to do and stick to it. don't do it behind his back. if he has admitted he has a problem the taste of this should not be so bitter.
will he give income to daughter to manage finances? if so give him allowance- he can do what he wants with it - gamble etc- but once it's gone he's not having any more until the following week.month etc.
what is the root cause of gambling? find out and deal with that.
why doesn't your daughter try to 'wean' him off gambling with mates on friday nights by suggesting they go out together. can you help by baby sitting. make it so much fun he gradually moves away from mates. are there any other mates he could do out with- brother etc. get him to do things with child and focus life here- e.g. child becomes member of football club. does he have other interest?
explain to him harm he is doing to child by gambling- presumably he loves his child.
as a last resort- don't put any tea on table or wash his clothes etc. (not that daughter should do all household chores particularly if working). he'll soon see results of gambling when he's got nothing to eat or no clean clothes. explain to him he can't have this because there's no money for food or washing powder. make sure child does not go without. if things become really desperate (final/final resort) would contact bank and tell them not to lend him any money. tell him before you do it- doing it for his own interest and why.
presumably your daughter loves him and has no intention of leaving him. may come to this- must put the child and then herself first.

Willsnarf1983

homersimpson wrote:

contact gamblers anonymous and other agencies for advice. encourage him to go. daughter to go with him.
how he is financing his gambling- is he working? if so when, if he is in bookies all day? does your daughter work? is money coming out of joint account? if he has been gambling for about a year (before and during marriage) how much is real debt- £770 sound quite low if he is gambling so much over a long period. - if daughter pays wages into joint account, or receive benefits (child benefit, tax credit etc) i suggest she sets up seperate account so that way there's at least some money to pay bills. tell husband what you're proposing to do and stick to it. don't do it behind his back. if he has admitted he has a problem the taste of this should not be so bitter.
will he give income to daughter to manage finances? if so give him allowance- he can do what he wants with it - gamble etc- but once it's gone he's not having any more until the following week.month etc.
what is the root cause of gambling? find out and deal with that.
why doesn't your daughter try to 'wean' him off gambling with mates on friday nights by suggesting they go out together. can you help by baby sitting. make it so much fun he gradually moves away from mates. are there any other mates he could do out with- brother etc. get him to do things with child and focus life here- e.g. child becomes member of football club. does he have other interest?
explain to him harm he is doing to child by gambling- presumably he loves his child.
as a last resort- don't put any tea on table or wash his clothes etc. (not that daughter should do all household chores particularly if working). he'll soon see results of gambling when he's got nothing to eat or no clean clothes. explain to him he can't have this because there's no money for food or washing powder. make sure child does not go without. if things become really desperate (final/final resort) would contact bank and tell them not to lend him any money. tell him before you do it- doing it for his own interest and why.
presumably your daughter loves him and has no intention of leaving him. may come to this- must put the child and then herself first.

ok firstly if someone is a compulsive gambler u will not be able to wean him of it, it doesn't happen for eg if they don't gamble for two weeks and then put £1 in a bandit they are much more likely to go in harder on the gambling and worse than they originally were, also if they are a compulsive gambler giving them an allowance is silly because once its gone they will find other ways either via stealing, or threatening behaviour to get money.

he does need to goto an organisation like gamblers anon or gamcare to get help but unless he really wants to he won't go on his own accord.......

yeah and i would also suspect that 770 is what u know about not the true extenct of his debts.....he may have loans, credit cards etc etc

i wish u luck but seriously look at the organisations to help u

Will

Penny-Pincher!!

Hi

This is a difficult one. It is good though that he has admitted he has a gambling problem as this is the 1st step to recovery :T

Obviously words mean nothing and he needs to back this up by his actions. As a father and a husband he needs to take his responsibilities more seriously as his gambling problem is effecting the whole family and could destroy them if he is left to continue. They could loose their home if bills arent paid etc and having a child-this would be horrific!

He needs professional help. If he told you all that he had a gambling problem a while ago, help should have really of been sought then-but never mind-this is now. Are you sure he only owes £700? This is very low for a compulsive gambler. This is an addiction the same as a drug addict or alchoholic and he will always be looking for his next quick fix, so this really does need to be sorted ASAP and help sought now. The organizations below are probably the best way to go.

Normally people with addictions whatever they are have underlying problems and these are what need sorting. Maybe depression, other family problems (ex's, parents etc), bad childhood etc.

I wish your daughter luck and I think its great that you're helping her. I think with a baby involved I would too. She does need to make sure that she is putting money to one side for bills, food, etc, but if its that bad maybe she needs to think seriously as to whether she wants to live like this permanently.

The baby is priority here and its needs has to be foremost in everything she decides to do.

Good Luck

Penny-Pincher!!
xxx

homersimpson_3

"ok firstly if someone is a compulsive gambler u will not be able to wean him of it, it doesn't happen for eg if they don't gamble for two weeks and then put £1 in a bandit they are much more likely to go in harder on the gambling and worse than they originally were, also if they are a compulsive gambler giving them an allowance is silly because once its gone they will find other ways either via stealing, or threatening behaviour to get money."
i knew someone who was a complusive gambler and it is possible to wean some people off it- they just needed a way to meet their needs by doing something other than gambling. you need to find the root cause and deal with it.
the allowance is NOT silly? at the end of the day it depends on the individual.
my friend's husband gambled all their savings and they virtually lost their house. they're now well imto their 60's and still paying their mortgage. they got remarried. she manages all the finances and everything is in her name. he gets an allowance (because of the history) and he stuck to it. doesn't gamble any more.
it is likely SOME people may steal or threaten and eventually will be caught. in one sense they could be a blessing in disguise. he has to learn there are consequences attached to his actions and he is responsible for them. once the money's gone that's it. if he steals and threatens & gets prosecuted that's his fault. a visit to the police station (and risk of losing wife, child, job and home) may be the sharp shock treatment he needs.
agreed he won't go to gamblers anonymous unless he wants to - your daughter has been trying for months and seemingly getting nowhere- the problem is getting worse. something has to change. if it doesn't they may slipt up anyway or all have their possessions repossessed- what happens when overdarft runs out? hp companies- credit cards etc?
thanks

Ms-Money-Penny

I've just noticed this thread, my daughter has written it under my name.
she is desperate , i don't really know the full story as she knows i will only worry.
Since they've had the baby all she has had to live on is the tax credit which is paid into her account and the child benefit. He gets his wage and the tax credit top up into his account and my daughter doesn't see any of it. She has to beg for the rent money etc or it comes out of the above money she has for herself and the baby. I've kept her and the baby clothed and helped her out with baby equipment etc.
Fortunately she has now started a part-time job so i thought things would improve but obviously they havn't. He got paid this weekend, will be none left by next weekend and then he'll be scrounging off my daughter for the rest of the month. It makes me mad as he doesn't give her or the baby anything and she's soft enough to give him money.

Thank you for your replies i will let her know.

homersimpson_3

can she contact tax credit people and ask for top up credit to be given to her- need to explain circumstances. if they say no she's in no worse position.
if he does scrounge off daughter, tell her not to give him anything to him. why should she fund his gambling addiction. her priority is her and the baby (she needs to look after herself-she won't be any good to child if she's not ok) (meant nicely).
she has to toughen up. (sorry but true). if his wages being into joint account and she has access to it take the money out on friday before he has chance to gamble it. prepare budget and show why you're taking money (it costs x amount to run household; your contribution is y). if he refuses to pay no cooking meals; no washing etc; if house rented can she move back home with you for a while to give her chance to get back on her feet. the fact he could lose wife/baby may force him to change.
hope so.

Spendless

Ms-Money-Penny wrote:

I've just noticed this thread, my daughter has written it under my name.
she is desperate , i don't really know the full story as she knows i will only worry.
Since they've had the baby all she has had to live on is the tax credit which is paid into her account and the child benefit. He gets his wage and the tax credit top up into his account and my daughter doesn't see any of it. She has to beg for the rent money etc or it comes out of the above money she has for herself and the baby. I've kept her and the baby clothed and helped her out with baby equipment etc.
Fortunately she has now started a part-time job so i thought things would improve but obviously they havn't. He got paid this weekend, will be none left by next weekend and then he'll be scrounging off my daughter for the rest of the month. It makes me mad as he doesn't give her or the baby anything and she's soft enough to give him money.

Thank you for your replies i will let her know.

Her way of letting you know perhaps? Does she have her wages paid into an account of her own? So at least she has some money for her and baby? Best wishes in sorting it out.

Ms-Money-Penny

her husband is still attached to his mother by his umbilical cord.
The council flat is only used for sleeping. Unless he is in work, they are up his mothers 12 hrs a day. They have their meals there. If he's working then she stays in to do housework etc.
I have spent the last nine months banging my head against a brick wall. All the advice thats been given on this thread me and her dad have already been through with her and its the same thing every week. She comes down upset, we try and talk to her and the next thing shes on the phone to him "i love you".
She is her own worst enemy, she doesn't want to be a single mum on her own. I think she would have a better life on her own with the baby at least then she wouldn;t have any money worries.

Spendless wrote:

Her way of letting you know perhaps? Does she have her wages paid into an account of her own? So at least she has some money for her and baby? Best wishes in sorting it out.

I presume she thinks that me and her dad are biased in this situation and is looking for advice off different people perhaps thinking they are going to say something different

As for bank accounts they dont have joint accounts thank goodness.

crystal_clear

Hi there having read this thread it would appear that your daughter is now reaching out for help by posting under your name.
You will have to hope that looking back she will take some of the advice given to her from other posters although it is the same as you have said in the past.
Sometimes its easier to take advice from others than immediate family even if its the same thing over and over again. If you are to closely related sometimes its more a case of you are nagging when you just want the best for them. All you can do is try sit back and let your daughter read the posts then come to you for moral support when she is good and ready. Let her make the suggestions and decisions and just be supportive and none judgemental were you can be if she wants it.
Hope this helps in some way.
Good luck to you and your daughter

1313

It might also be worth you posting at the link below.

Gambling Therapy's problem gambling forum

http://www.gamblingtherapy.org/forum/default.asp