Would you take the money?

kawaiiko

Hi all,
I've been reading the forums for a while now - everything has been so informative (esp. DFW) that I haven't needed to ask a question yet...

I am in debt, and have got my and my new-ish husband's credit history into a right old tangle. I'm desperate to get back into the black again - it's just so stressful, as I'm sure you all know.

My problem is this. I have a rather well-off ex-partner who keeps trying to press money on me. I know! It sounds great, but it's stopping me sleeping. My husband and my family have made it clear in the past that they wouldn't like me accepting his money. I desperately need it. He offers me more than enough to clear my debts on a regular basis.

Where would you draw the line?

Buffythedebtslayer

I think I would want the satisfaction off paying off the debts myself and not be beholden to any one, I would feel like I just owed him instead and I think it would really make your husband feel insulted and like he couldn't provide for you.

I think it just make an already complicated situation worse. It may seem like the easy way out but personal relationships and money rarely mix.
all the best what ever you decide

xx

P.s just read that back and I do sound a bit preachy sorry very sleepy, just didn't want you to not have an answer, how bad is your debt? are you making the mim repayments? perhaps you could post an SOA to seee if people could advise you more.

take care xx

mum2one

Same here, it goes to the old saying, theres nothing in this life for free.

While maybe on the surface the offer is genuine and he means well, but hes an ex partner, and for what ever reason he is ur ex. You split up for some reason. If you borrowed the money he would always have a hold on you, you would feel obliged to him, and ur husband im guessing he would be raiseing an eyebrow or two.

Regardless of what ur financial situation is every £1 you pay off the debt is a £1 youve worked hard for, I oersonally would rather be in debt finacially than emotionally, if you and your husband argued the 1st thing he'd chuck back in your face is where you'd got the money from.

From experience, different perspective, I was with my then boyfriend, we'd been together 3 months, but had an almighy bust up, I was going away the next day, and told him if he didnt see me off, that was it, next morning no bf, one thing leads to another, I have a fling, come back home bf meets me off coach with flowers, he'd been at the wrong bus stop when Id gone, about a yr later ended up confessing what happened, he said he'd guessed as I had a guilty look, we stayed together for another yr, but everytime we argued, regardless of what it was about, he continually threw the 1 ngt stand back at me. That was only a relationship, is your marriage worth risking. x

floss2

Never mind paying off your debts, what would the consequences of accepting the money be?

Your OH would feel snubbed, un-respected and quite possibly jealous.

You may feel "obliged" to continue to maintain contact with this "ex", when really you do not want to.

You may even be put into a compromising situation by such "ex" because they have "given" you that money, and want something back for it.

Think of that film with Demi Moore, Woody Harellson & Robert Redford in....

And post an SOA, so the DFW folks can help you untangle your mess

nimbo

good film, and it would seem like floss might well have a point, not that many people ar so alturistic to give away a wadful of cash for nothing...

and lets face it unless he's Robert Redford (looking as good as he did then) and it's a million £'s is it worth it???

it might be a quick fix to the debts, but it'd end up costing you more in counselling if you wanted to keep your husband.

GirlRacer_2

Most definitely NO. How would you feel if one of your husbands ex's offered him the cash.

GR x

duchy

Depends what the ex wants in return.
If the money (to him) is a small amount and he genuinely want to help you both out and there is no (emotional) payback it is worth considering.
You are obviously still in touch with him-is he now a friend of you both as a couple ? It's very different a couple accepting help to you accepting help from an ex.

MissEyre

Is your ex still single? Do you think he might hope that you two could give it another go? Seems a bit too good to be true to offer you the money with no strings attached at all-and, as others have said, this could always be raised in arguments about money in future...

MrsTinks

Interesting... Now I have an Ex who I am very good friends with, he's not exactly badly off and I think if he'd offered me money to clear my debt I might have taken it... But I know him very well and I'd know he could afford it, that he'd offer it because he's the nicest guy on the planet and not because he wants anything back from me in return...
But he's one in a million!
Now the real question really is what would happen if you did accept? Is he as nice as my ex? Is your hubby going to be upset? You have to think about the long term implications here... He might see it as a huge insult that you are having to rely on your ex because he can't afford to pay the bills (yes I appreciate there are 2 of you, but this might be how he'll see it...) and is a failure...
I think if he is saying he doesn't want you to accept the money you need to respect that...

Bismarck

kawaiiko wrote: »

My husband and my family have made it clear in the past that they wouldn't like me accepting his money.

Hi, you've pretty much answered your own question.

To avoid any misunderstanding I suggest this:

Draw a line where you feel you would consider it and tolerate the consequences: if you, as a family were literally starving you'd accept the money wouldn't you? OK, at what point would you as a couple feel it's acceptable...to avoid bankruptcy? homelessness? debt collectors?

If you establish a clear boundary up to which point you will not take the money then leave it at that. It's the up to you as a couple not to need the money...call it a target if you want.

Like a lot of people, I owe money and will pay it back...I have contingency plans that would allow me to pay it back in a short period of time but the personal cost to me would be huge so I'm choosing not to...my target is therefore to clear the debts before I have to resort to the other measures....

If you treat the ex as a lender of last resort then it could be easier to explain to your partner....don't do it underhand though....personally - if it was a choice between taking my OH's ex's money or being homeless/ bankrupted etc I'd take the money.....I've got pride but it doesn't pay the mortgage....

chevalier

were any of the debts you currently have from your previous relationship? If yes then I would consider taking some money to pay his half of the debt off. But if the debts are all from this relationship, then I think I would steer clear.
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