Fed up with my partner ex wife texting him all the time

traciemk

hiya would anyone of you have a problem if your partner ex wife keep texting him,
yeah i understand they have to chat about the kids.
but the kids are
daughter 14
son 17 nearly 18
son 20 nearly 21
surelly the kids can relay any messages between parents
it feel like she is allways texting him,
he see the kids every other weekend and every wedensday for the evening
maybe im just picking up on it cos it feel like any time we are together his phone is going non stop, when i ask if everything is ok with kids(thinking she might be texting cos something has happened to kids) he get the hump cos ive asked.
ive tryed expaining that im not happy with all this but i feel he aint listerning to me.
they split up 9 years ago cos she found someone else so i was not the cause of there marraige going wrong.
my partner cant see that there is any thing wrong with her texting him all the time
what can any one advice me please
also the other thing which niggles me is
next week its school half term
and my partner said he will have kids sleep over during the week which i have not got problem with, but when i asked what do you think would be a good night for kids to stay over(like a joint decsions) he said i will sort it out with ex wife and let you know which day it will be, i was pretty surprise by that reply seeing as we dont live together but my partner stay over my house 90% of the time and when he has kids they sleep at mine as there bedding and mattress are at mine cos he has a 1 bed flat,
what should i do

Chollita

Is it definitely her texting him?

However old the kids are, he will always have a link with his ex-wife, so they will have to have some contact. Have you met her, and how do you get on with her and the kids?

Re sleepover, it's YOUR house, make it clear that they are welcome to stay but at a date that is convenient to YOU. (BTW, if he is virtually living with you, does he contribute accordingly to bills?)

I don't want to read too much into your message, but be careful that your boyfriend is not using you, and that he is committed to you if this is a serious relationship. After 9 years, he should be over his ex-wife, but some people can be very bitter if they were the 'abandoned' party, or cling on and never really let go.

Errata

It's refreshing to read that parents are still talking amicably to each other about the kids after they've split up.
Of course he has to discuss with their mum when the sleepover should be, then he can ask you if that's ok and you can say yes or no or suggest another night.

snipzychick

I think it's really good that he is keeping up communication with the mother of his 3 children. You say BUT the kids are 14, 17 and 20, tbh age shouldn't enter into it they are always going to be his kids. Surely you knew he had them when you entered into a relationship with him
He sounds like a good dad, you should be pleased with this.

glossgal

I agree that he should have contact with ex but his children are too mature to give rise to frequent contact IMHO. How often are the texts exactly? Given how old they are I would expect them to be discussing the kids maybe a handful of times in the course of a year and/or for birthday celebrations, graduations etc. Of course they may still be good friends and keeping in touch on this basis which is different. If he's being touchy about it I wouldn't like this though. It seems from your post that you are piggy in the middle, no way would I have him making arrangements that directly affect you whilst only discussing it with her!

SaveTheCheerleader

Hi, do you have any idea of the sort of content of the texts? I could understand it more if the children were babies or very young but at their age it seems unnecessery to communicate that much.

I'm in a similar situation my DH has 1 son from a previous relationship and he visits every other weekend and DH visits him every Wednesday evening. Plans used to be made about various things and I would be the last to know about them. It's not on and I've made it clear that I deserve to be involved with decision making as much as she is.

X

miserly_mum

traciemk wrote: »

the other thing which niggles me is
next week its school half term
and my partner said he will have kids sleep over during the week which i have not got problem with, but when i asked what do you think would be a good night for kids to stay over(like a joint decsions) he said i will sort it out with ex wife and let you know which day it will be, i was pretty surprise by that reply seeing as we dont live together but my partner stay over my house 90% of the time and when he has kids they sleep at mine as there bedding and mattress are at mine cos he has a 1 bed flat,
what should i do

If I was you i'd tell him it's YOUR house and it's up to YOU to decide when it's convenient for "his" kids to stay not his ex wife. He's really taking the p**s on that one.

I'm sure you don't have a problem with them actually staying over but you should take a stand on this with him as he's taking you for granted big style.

Personally if me and my OH didn't live together i'd expect him to have HIS kids at HIS place anyway. If he didn't have you they'd be staying there anyway

It seems like he's calling all the shots in your relationship

As far as the texting goes, I doubt theres anything between him and his ex after 9 years and totally agree with other posters. The kids are old enough to deal directly with their Dad now except over financial matters between Mum and Dad obviously.

The constant texting is uncalled for especially when you are together, then its just plain bad manners. Make him turn it off or put it on silent.

If he is being cagey when you ask about the texts I can't help thinking if they are actually all from his ex?

Nicifer_noonoo

Fortunately or unfortunately, people who have children together will ALWAYS be linked, not just until their kids are 'older'

traciemk wrote: »

daughter 14
son 17 nearly 18
son 20 nearly 21
surelly the kids can relay any messages between parents

My parents split when I was 17, and 'relaying messages' between them means I'm still in counselling now, at 22. They aren't answer machines! It isn't their job to pass messages back and forth. I appreciate your annoyance, but at least by going direct to him, she isn't leaving any room for 'he said, she said' word twisting. Personally, I think it's really great that parents can still speak amicably after a split

EDIT: Sorry Errata, I seem to have paraphrased your entire post, lol. I posted before I read

glossgal

Nicifer_noonoo wrote: »

Fortunately or unfortunately, people who have children together will ALWAYS be linked, not just until their kids are 'older'

My parents split when I was 17, and 'relaying messages' between them means I'm still in counselling now, at 22. They aren't answer machines! It isn't their job to pass messages back and forth.

This is unfortunate that you were caught in the middle but the point is there shouldn't be any messages to relay in the first place-two of his children are adults FGS. My parents also split when I was the same age but I can't recall a single time when my mum had to contact my dad about my visiting arrangments with him. Also, having re-read OPs post it strikes me as a bit odd that 'kids' of 18 and 21 would be sleeping over at their dads on a weekly basis anyway? bit old for pyjama parties...maybe OP feels crowded out and on the face of it I don't blame her really

Errata

If parents care about their children they will continue to talk about them together no matter how old the children are and no matter if the parents are married, cohabiting, separated, divorced. It's called love.

miserly_mum

Errata wrote: »

If parents care about their children they will continue to talk about them together no matter how old the children are and no matter if the parents are married, cohabiting, separated, divorced. It's called love.

What you say is true but surely its not every day, constant texting?

I've seen it from both sides, my parents split when I was 11 and my ex hubby and I split 9 years ago.

Although my parents split wasn't amicable there was no limitations on seeing my Dad and even at age 11 my Dad would arrange days out/ staying with him with ME not my Mum. Stuff to do with money was sorted with her.

With my ex he and I were always on speaking terms(sometimes through gritted teeth) and I rang or texted him if there was a problem or important things to discuss about the kids. Other information like winning awards, passing exams and other personal stuff like that.......well the kids rang him and told him because it was their news to tell. Stay overs etc were as and when and I very much left them to it.

When he met his current partner I was more aware of not personally contacting him unless it was really important Mostly through respect to her (nobody likes their partner being TOO chatty with their ex) and also mainly because I had nothing to say to him that didn't involve the children. Truthfully the important issues only cropped up very occasionally.

Unless there are underlying problems in OP's BF's family that she hasn't told us about then in all honesty I can't think what the hell his ex finds to talk about to him about on a daily basis?