Daughter's boyfriend has hung himself!

tarajayne

My 18 year old daughter has been in a relationship for more than 18 months, for the last 6 it has been difficult but after an arguement last night in which he turned on her he went and hung himself. She is devastated and blames herself. We have all told her it's not her fault, he was obviously ill but I want to prepare her for what happens next, post morton, then funeral but I have no idea. Also will there be an inquest as the police conduct was not great. What help can we get from the doctor as she has sensibly asked to talk to a counsellor but I bet there's a waiting list. I feel useless!

feelinggood_2

The supportline website has a section "Help for those bereaved by suicide" which may offer some advice and has some resources for those left behind. Scroll down to find this section:
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide.php

Dasnookster

Don't feel useless - there are some things that happen in life that nothing else in life prepares you for. When something of this nature happens, there is usually an inquest - which unfortunately often takes a long time, talking weeks/months rather than days.

The funeral can obviously go ahead while this takes place. I would try and get your daughter professional help as soon as possible - because in my experience it won't matter how many times you tell your daughter it isn't her fault - you are too close to her and she may well not take it in. There are often waiting lists for this sort of thing, but monitor your daughter closely and keep on at the doctors to try and get any waiting list minimised.

All you can do is be there for your daughter and keep talking to her.

Liquorice_Twirls

You know Tarajayne, you can be more support to your daughter than you believe.

You are already finding out some of the procedures that will need to happen, such as an inquest, although that will probably be many months away.

Counselling might be useful but in the first few days she will need time to let the dust settle and see just how she feels. It will be a rollercoaster of emotions and seeing a counsellor too soon might not be all that useful. Wait a while to see how she is coping.

Your GP might be more help at first as he/she can offer medication if that is what she needs initially and also they can access more mental health services.

Professional help is great, but you and your daughter's family and friends are probably what's best for her now. You know her and hopefully she feels safe with you to talk. If you find it hard to be there for her, you could ring one of the bereavement counselling organisations http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/[html]
to ask for what is the best way for you to talk to her.

Suicide is one of the most devastating deaths to cope with, but she can get through this. Don't forget to look after yourself too, if you take on too much you won't be able to help.

Take care

x

leoetal19

what an awful tradgedy for everyone. my heart goes out to you and your poor daughter as well as this guys family-so much pain
a friend of mine hung himself it leaves so many unanswered questions and 'if onlys?'
on the practical side i would try to get some help asap for ur daughter-grief has a cycle, from disbelief and shock to anger then almost inevitably-especially in these tragic circumstances- depression. shes oung and vulnerable so needs support NOW not later-your gp should appreciate this x
you're so not useless-your there, listening and loving her x you are precious
i send you all the love in the world and hope for u all xx

Mellika

Hi just want to say I have no further advice but my thoughts are with you and your daughter...

nearlyrich

What a dreadful experience for your DD just be there for her and tell her it's not her fault, life can be really hard...

1sue23

Your daughter must be in shock ,I went through a similar experiance nearly 3 years ago ,it was the friend of my son he was 19 years old and I knew him well ,I blamed myself for what happened as did lots of others who knew him ,I found it very hard to cope and to be honest I just wanted to be on my own I cried constantly and thought I would never get over it ,I searched the internet for answers and became obsessed with trying to find out why ,It is only in the last 6 months that I have realised that I will never know and have now stopped looking for answers and have accepted that no one made him do what he did it was his choice alone as an adult .Year 3 on april 11 is nearly here and each year has got easier but I could still tell you almost to the hour what I was doing the day it happened and it is something that has changed my life forever.Talk to your daughter and just be there for her because she will be in a very lonely sad place now and will think that the pain will never end but very slowly an acceptence of sorts will happen I am so sorry for her now there is no pain like it.

funguy

I echo the sentiments above...
First and foremost she needs friends and family to support her and be there for her...

Grief is a cycle as said above - medication is usually inappropriate for what is a natural response unless it leads to bad depression. Unfortunately most NHS counselling services have long waiting lists and your GP is unlikely to be able to do anything to help that. However, as indicated above, there are great voluntary societies such as CRUSE that are excellent and you should look into those.

Hope that helps and good luck..

belfastgirl23

So sorry to hear about your loss, it must be a terrible time for both your daughter and you. I agree about CRUSE as a starting point, they are a great organisation, but it might also be worth asking your local branch about specific support groups for people bereaved by suicide, I do think peer support is very important in these circumstances. People in this group too might be able to help you with questions around the practicalities. The police might also be able to answer some questions for you around inquests etc.

Also just for info my understanding is that one of the biggest predictors of youth suicide is the young person knowing someone who has already committed suicide. This is particularly prevalent amongst young men but does sometimes affect young women too. It's worth keeping a tight eye not only on your daughter but on her circle of friends. Not meaning to worry you unnecessarily with this and I'm sure you would be watching closely anyway but just worth being aware of (and making other parents aware of it too, esp parents of young men).

Don't be afraid to get some support for yourself as well. You'll need to be strong for your daughter but you need a safe place to deal with your feelings too.

Good luck...

Bex45

My sympathies to your daughter, Tara Jayne. She'll need a lot of time and help as others have said to recover. My OH's mother committed suicide, and the effect on the family was devastatating and things took a lot of time to heal. I'd experienced the death of a close relative (my dad) before my mother-in-law took her own life, but suicide is, I think, even more terrible to cope with.
Wishing you all the best.