Please don't be harsh on me!

Dammam

YorkshireBoy wrote:

I trust you mean emotionally, and not financially?

BBC2's "Bank of Mum & Dad" last week had a spoilt little girl (ring any bells?), who's debt was forecasted to rise from £20K to £34K over 2 years if she continued her current lifestyle.

Just imagine trying to sort that out in 2007.

The OP's either got to sort it out now, or never part with another penny - otherwise I fear the emigration may be off.

The daughter needs her "lightbulb" moment - and quickly!

And yes I have got kids - 20, 18 & 14. They also know the value of money.

Yes, sorry - should have made it clearer. Always be there to encourage and support emotionally. However, I do fear that in the same situation I myself would not be able to avoid "helping out". Perhaps cutting the strings and when (if) all goes wrong you will be there emotionally AND financially - just maybe you will be able to call the shots and take control, maybe when reality hits her, she'll be more responsive to your common sense suggestions.

Incidentally, I have a brother in law of 39 years of age who is STILL tied to his parents - even tries to get his siblings and parents to set him up on dates and takes every penny his parents have got. You REALLY don't want to end up in that position - it's no good for anybody.

meanmachine_2

I have a good friend who is terrible with money. The problem is ME, not her. I worry about her finances, but she doesn't, therefore to her it isn't a problem

I quickly realised that I was wasting my time and hers - she was more into having her heart broken by men then worrying about money.

I fear the OP will just worry about their daughter while abroad if they "cut the apron" strings.

Kids can change, yes, but parents don't. I'm afraid you've made your bed, and you're going to have to keep bailing your little one out.

Maybe, when you're very old she'll repay the debt. It's possible.

youngandreckless

Hiya,

Firstly, don't be too hard on yourself. My mum and dad bail out my siblings weekly, often to the detriment of their own finances and have only just offered to pay off my overdraft (which I declined as it is my responsibility), so anyone that loves someone is obviously going to do what they can to help.
I think you have done all you can for your daughter at the moment. Until she can show you what she owes etc, it will be a stab in the dark for you (you never know it may not be as bad as you think). All you can do is let her know the offer is there one last time - alas you can't force her to take it. For the sake of yourself and your husband, you will need to let go a bit. If you're going to emigrate, you'll need to get used to your daughter managing her own affairs - is it all in her name? It probably should be and I think that would help her stand on her own two feet, it could be just what she needs.
My parents and grandparents have bailed me out many times, but it is only now I feel mature enough and clear enough to see it as my problem that I can solve myself and want to solve myself. Your daughter will get here at some point - you may need to give her a nudge in the right direction.
How do you feel about emigrating and leaving you daughter behind? You have no reason to feel guilty, but I suspect you may have mixed feelings on it, hence the desire to make sure she is in the best possible position before you go. I stress now, that I am not saying you are feeling guilty or should do, but as you obviously love your daughter so much, I can imagine this is going to be a real wrench and you don't want your feelings on this to force you to settle all her finances, when in reality it may be better in the long run for her to do it herself.
Good luck with it, I hope your daughter knows how lucky she is to have such a caring family and that you all work it out. Keep us posted xx

RoisinD

Thanks so much for all your replies, it has been really heart warming to read them.

We do realise that we have to let it go, if only for our own sanity. From the age of 16 she has worked really hard. While studying she had two part time jobs and was totally self sufficient. Her move away from home coincided with some with some hard blows for her including a serious illness and the sudden death of her boyfriend from a brain haemorrage. I suppose we felt we had to protect and help her given those traumas. She did have counselling and lots of support but those experiences seem to have changed her.

The flat is in our name, thankfully we had not got around to changing it into her name. We were able to remortgage as we had/still have quite a bit of equity in our own house. We intend to sell it when we move and pay off the mortgage with what we get. We should have some money left over and we intend to invest that. We are in the process of building a new house abroad and the finances for that are already in place.
I had hoped that there was some way of getting her credit history and sitting down with her whilst letting her know that there was no point in 'covering up' anymore.


Once again thanks for all your replies. They are very much appreciated. I will be printing them off and reading through them properly and taking heed of the advice offered.

pandas66

My only concern for you is if the flat is in your name, do you mean the deeds or the mortgage ? Different implications financially. But I hope she's being secretive with her statements as she doesn't need your help, I don't show mine to anyone.

Jacster_2

Hi Roisin

I've read your thread and am really sorry to hear about the situation your daughter is in, and how this is making you feel.

I may be able to bring another perspective...

My ex got lots of financial support from his parents. Contributions towards the flat he bought, free room and board when he was between houses, all sorts. His dad even used to come up to his flat and do his admin/send letters/pay bills. Once his car broke down and his parents bought him a new car.

The result - he was unable to manage money well. Bank letters lay unopened and ignored, cos if the situation got too bad, he knew his parents would bail him out. Very few things got paid on time. Charges built up all over the place. In the end, I took over the money management, and did for him all the things his parents used to do. No idea what he's doing now...

His parents loved him very much, and thought they were doing the best thing for him, but as his ex-partner, it was a nightmare. My parents couldn't afford to give me the level of assistance he got from his. And I'm glad they couldn't.

The best thing you can do for her is tell her what you are doing, tell her why you are doing it, and that you love her. I know it is difficult, but you need to cut the strings.

The time when I would help her financially if she was my daughter would be when I see evidence of her taking responsibility for her finances. And then I would help her in a way that encouraged that responsibility (eg a loan she pays back to you)

Good luck and hugs...
Hope this helps

shelagh

Hi Rosin,
you say that your daughter has worked very hard etc. This does not mean that you need to pay for her hardships. Again I am not meaning to be harsh but everyone has hard knocks in life THAT IS WHAT LIFE IS some of the time. If she needs conselling then help her to access this. What she does not need is help with moving into another crisis i.e. financial meltdown. If she becomes bancrupt her name will be on the notice not yours. This is why financial info., like her credit rating etc. is confidential, because it is only her bussiness.
You say that she had 2 jobs whilst studying. So what! many people need to do this. I work with and person who had 5 part time jobs whilst bringing up 4 children on her own. I had a very demanding, working with child protection, job whilst studying part time for a degree, a professional qualification and a teaching qualification. At this time I was also developing a house. I didn't expecect my parents to bale me out financially. You must get real with this issue if you truly love her you will do the hard bit.
Shelagh

Conrad

Rosin, this saying could have been written for you:

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got".

My youngest brother has just gone bankcrupt. All caused by Mum bailing him out all his life. Now he is 27 and has nothing.

I see many bad debt clients and many find it very hard to change thier ways, especially those that have parents to suck dry.

IF I WERE YOU I WOULD SEND HER A CONSIDERED SHORT LETTER, RATHER THAN TALK FACE TO FACE INITIALLY.

Love flows both ways.