Please don't be harsh on me!

RoisinD

I am the mother of a 24 year old daughter who moved away from home when she was 20. She went to live in a flat that was bought by her Dad, which was paid for partly by cash and a small mortgage of £20,000. The understanding was that she would pay off the mortgage at a rate of £200 per month with further top ups as and when she could afford.

The statements came every month and within a short period of time it was obvious that there was a problem with her payments. When questioned about it was always someone elses fault - her bank, the mortgage company in fact anyone but her. This went on for a considerable period and eventually we discovered that she also had not paid or was always very late in paying other bills including council tax, gas, electricity etc.

Finally in desperation we agreed to remortgage our home and get enough money to pay off the mortgage and settle other bills, including credit cards, that she had.

Our problem is that she has never been entirely honest and up front and it has been a struggle to find out what she owed/owes. We desperately want to help her but she will not co-operate by telling us exactly what may be still outstanding. I have asked to see her bank statements (for no other reason than to make sure that she is coping), and she keeps telling me she has sent them or she forgot to bring them - but of course I have still not seen anything.

I realise that we should cut the strings and let her cope on her own but it is very hard when it is your only child whom you love very much and want to help so badly . If only she would be honest and up front. It causes arguments between her and us and also between me and my husband. We both want to sort it out but very often find ourselves disagreeing on how best to.

My husband and I will be emigrating next year and are desperate to see her sorted before we go. Indeed if this hasn't been resolved I seriously doubt we will go.

I have told her time and time again that it does not matter how bad it is as long as she is honest - we will try and help her. She seems to be in complete denial and it seems as long as she has enough money to get by day to day she is not bothered.

What I would like to know is there any way we can find out her current/past credit situation as I now feel that the only way to get her to acknowledge her situation is by presenting her with the evidence.

Can anyone offer help or advice?

FriendofDorothy

Cut the strings....You have to do it.

But explain to her that you will be there for her whem she is ready to be honest with you.

meanmachine_2

Children are the product of their parents.

You've clearly looked after your daughter well - a little too well.

Regarding finances she seems incredibly immature.

You emigrating might wake her up a bit.

The problem is that you want to enjoy your new life without worrying about the little one, so cutting the apron strings isn't always that easy.

Maybe when she gets a partner they'll be able to look after her finances. She clearly needs someone to mummy/daddy her.

nearlyrich

No-one will give you info about a third party's account unless you have power of attourney or something similar. Not being harsh but she is 24, you have already practically bought her a flat, then bailed her out when she didn't do her bit towards keeping it. I understand she is your daughter and you love her and want to help her but someday she has to stand on her own two feet and you putting your life on hold is not helping her to do that.

I would not expect to be involved in the finances of my children once they leave university.

I would tell her that you love her and care about her but in the real world big girls have to pay their way and if she isn't prepared to then she will have to take the consequences.

pandas66

My main question is will you be finacially helping her out again if she has gotten into trouble ? If its yes, then you seriously are harming her future and yours doing this and then leaving her alone. If you help her out by 25% say, then she may wake up and get sorted before you go. I would give her a date by you would help, 3 months or so but not long as presumably the debt (if any) is mounting.
If the answer is no you won't be helping her you need to make this absolutly plain to her.
Are you guarrantor to her Mortgage? if so you can find out whats going on then there. Are you guarrantor to anything else.

Richie(UK)

Hi,

At what age do you plan on letting your daughter take responsibility for her own actions? 25? 30? 40?!!!

By all means offer support but if you keep bailing her out where is the incentive for her to improve? We often choose to take the easy options available to us - but they are not always the best options for us. Help your daughter to help herself.

System

Finally in desperation we agreed to remortgage our home and get enough money to pay off the mortgage and settle other bills, including credit cards, that she had.

The thing is, why should she take care of her own finances if Mum and Dad are going to bail her out each time she gets in a mess? I know its tempting to sort her out but really you aint doing her any favours in the long run.

Spendless

RoisinD wrote:

I am the mother of a 24 year old daughter who moved away from home when she was 20. She went to live in a flat that was bought by her Dad, which was paid for partly by cash and a small mortgage of £20,000. The understanding was that she would pay off the mortgage at a rate of £200 per month with further top ups as and when she could afford.

The statements came every month and within a short period of time it was obvious that there was a problem with her payments. When questioned about it was always someone elses fault - her bank, the mortgage company in fact anyone but her. This went on for a considerable period and eventually we discovered that she also had not paid or was always very late in paying other bills including council tax, gas, electricity etc.

Finally in desperation we agreed to remortgage our home and get enough money to pay off the mortgage and settle other bills, including credit cards, that she had.

Our problem is that she has never been entirely honest and up front and it has been a struggle to find out what she owed/owes. We desperately want to help her but she will not co-operate by telling us exactly what may be still outstanding. I have asked to see her bank statements (for no other reason than to make sure that she is coping), and she keeps telling me she has sent them or she forgot to bring them - but of course I have still not seen anything.

I realise that we should cut the strings and let her cope on her own but it is very hard when it is your only child whom you love very much and want to help so badly . If only she would be honest and up front. It causes arguments between her and us and also between me and my husband. We both want to sort it out but very often find ourselves disagreeing on how best to.

My husband and I will be emigrating next year and are desperate to see her sorted before we go. Indeed if this hasn't been resolved I seriously doubt we will go.

I have told her time and time again that it does not matter how bad it is as long as she is honest - we will try and help her. She seems to be in complete denial and it seems as long as she has enough money to get by day to day she is not bothered.

What I would like to know is there any way we can find out her current/past credit situation as I now feel that the only way to get her to acknowledge her situation is by presenting her with the evidence.

Can anyone offer help or advice?

Agree with the others. At 20 I wasn't ready emotionally or financially for a place of my own. I only moved out when I could afford to do it for myself.

So far your daughter has had a flat part paid for, when she hasn't repaid you and got herself further into debt, you've bailed her out at a financial cost to yourselves. What message is this sending her? That regardless of what she does, you'll pick up the cost. Whether she shows you her debt or not is up to her, you can't force her, but I do think you have to make it clear that they'll be no more bailing out - and stick to it!

pandas66

nearlyrich wrote:

I would not expect to be involved in the finances of my children once they leave university.

I would tell her that you love her and care about her but in the real world big girls have to pay their way and if she isn't prepared to then she will have to take the consequences.

My parents helped me out finacially after I had left home. Totally different reasons and totally unforseen, I was so grateful and I couldn't pay them back, I used to go and do odd jobs for them. Dad has kept a few chickens and ducks so I cleaned them out every Friday for 6 months or so while I was a SAHM. Sometimes you gotta be there, as you have been. Other times your just adding to it, sorry.

pug_in_a_bed

Hi Roisin D

This is a toughy and I'm sorry to hear about this, but like everyone else has said - cut the strings and let her get on with it. This is really difficult.

She is obviously in denial, at that stage many of us have been at where we can't accept the fault. As some one who has been a wreckless youngster in the not so distant past, its absolutely true that you do not beleive anything bad can happen to you.

The sooner you cut the strings the sooner she is going to wake up and find herself in a sorry state and want your help. Perhaps you could direct her to this site, give her the link to this page so she can read people's views.

The fact is, she is young, yes, but I'm afraid she must sort this alone - by all means, if she'll come round, give her guidance, but let her learn a lesson. This is such a difficult one and I realise you must be worried sick - but try and wait it out.

When she finally comes to you, don't offer to pay it back - let her sort it out or she will never learn anything, Martin's money diet book and this site is a good palce to start.

On the other hand...Just to clarify, whose name is the flat in? is it her dads? If so, then she really has no business withholding this information as she is damaging her fathers financial reputation. Apologies if this is not the case by the way.

Best of Luck

nearlyrich

When I say I would not expect to be involved in my children's finances I would not see them in trouble and not help but I think you can only help so much. You have to let them grow up and take responsibility for their own finances.