Please don't be harsh on me!

James240

i agree with the rest of the board unless u cut the strings she will never really know the meaning of money. i know this because although im in debt impaying it back my brother on the other hand has a considerable amount of debt that is out of control and my mum bails him out at everyy opportunity, thus he knows he has sometihng to fall back on ..............u really need to let her sort this out herself or she will never learn.............


James

Dumyat

cruel to be kind I think...you have done what you did out of love but I think you need to be firm now and if you have plans to leave the country then you have to be pro-active and sort this out before you go for your daughters sake. I'm sure your daughter would not want to jepordise your move...or does she?

Dammam

I certainly wont be hard on a loving parent - I'm 40 and if it hadn't been for my mums help I would never have got out of debt.
If your daughter thinks she can go it alone, then you must let her. Just remind her that if ever things get too hard to cope with, you will always be there for her. If and when that day comes, she will be more open to your help and advice. Sounds like she's too headstrong and a little embarrassed about her situation at the moment.

Could there be any other problems causing her to comfort spend? Job, boyfriend even drinking? If not, then let her try and walk on her own and be ready to step in if she stumbles (you can still do this if you emigrate.)

shelagh

I can only agree with what everyone else has said. I also have only 1 very much loved child but he has to be self suficient to some extent. He was 16 3 weeks ago and had a job lined up for two days after his birthday. He is the apple of our eye and we have indulged him in many things but he has always been able to differentiate between being encouraged, in hobbies and interests, and being given stuff for our benefit i.e. because we want to see his face at christmas etc. It sounds as if you are bailing your daughter out because you feel somehow responsible. YOU ARE NOT, NOT IN ANYWAY. So let her deal with the consequences of her actions this is the only way that she will learn. I recently read a book The Millionare Next Door and one of the most significant features of people who have become financially secure was that they had no financial leg ups from their parents, at any time. If your daughter is telling you lies and not allowing you to help her is she not telling you something? She needs to deal with this herself. Yes, be there to point her in the direction of good advice etc. especially MSE but she needs to do this herself. I once heard someone say that we have no right to stop our children making mistakes and getting into difficulties, within reason of course. Debt is part of her life so she needs to pay attention to that, or not as she chooses, but it is her stuff to deal with. I hope that this doesn't sound harsh but it is so very important that she does it herself and that you allow her to. Its the most loving thing you can do for her at present.
Shelagh

YorkshireBoy

Dammam wrote:

Just remind her that if ever things get too hard to cope with, you will always be there for her.

I trust you mean emotionally, and not financially?

BBC2's "Bank of Mum & Dad" last week had a spoilt little girl (ring any bells?), who's debt was forecasted to rise from £20K to £34K over 2 years if she continued her current lifestyle.

Just imagine trying to sort that out in 2007.

The OP's either got to sort it out now, or never part with another penny - otherwise I fear the emigration may be off.

The daughter needs her "lightbulb" moment - and quickly!

And yes I have got kids - 20, 18 & 14. They also know the value of money.

burbs_2

I cant fault you for what you have done, even though it was mad it is your daughter at the end of the day and i would cut off my own hand for mine, parents should be there for their children.

One the other hand and back to reality though you just need to let her see that you are not always going to be there to bail her out time and time again as you are emigrating and have your own life to lead. I think that she will think that you will never stop bailing her out.

BWZN93

I am also interested to know who's name the flat is in, as it could be taken off her if she has secured credit and fails to repay.

I learned the hard way about money and finances, and have always had to bail myself out, which is why I am here now, to make sure nothing serious occurs in future - however, I never had a lot of debt, just a couple of hundred pounds here and there, and never on credit cards or store cards, mainly just bits of overdraft and phone bills.

My Boyf had it very differently however, he has always been bailed out by his parents and is still now bad at managing money, to the point where he doesnt open his bank statements, although that is changing since I came along!

Is she frightened of your reactions if you were to find out she was in serious debt? How much does she earn? Do you think there are any other problems that you think might be causing her to overspend? Boy/work/health trouble??

You plan to emigrate and maybe this is causing her some worry?? Has she been supported fully through moving into her own place? Could she cook/clean and know how to financially manage the responsibility of her life before she moved in? I dont wish to criticise, however, I feel that the best plan of action for all parents is to ensure that their children are competant in these matters before they move out, as these things take time to learn. I was the eldest out of three and my mum was a single parent for a lot of my teenage years, so the responsibility of helping to take care of my siblings, cook, clean etc fell on me, and I learned well.

Financial management was something I was never taught though - either in school or out, and that was my sticking point, but recently I have learned all about it (from here of course!) and feel able to do these things. She may well be scared of the responsibility and embarrassed she isnt coping, and is ignoring it and hiding it from you.

I think the best thing to do for your peace of mind, would be to tell her that you are worried about her coping when you are abroad, so want to help her now so that problems are less likely to come up, but also so you know that she will be ok when you are away. Maybe the best way would be to not ask her how much debt she is in or to hassle her, maybe just find a good book (money diet??) or some information, and tell her you want to help. Maybe you could suggest that she comes to this site too, so she could find advice without having it 'too close to home'. Also, explain to her that you have her best interests at heart, and tell her (make it up if you have to, im not implying you ever did!!) that when you first got married, you didnt really know how to manage money etc etc and wished that there was a place of advice to help you get on top of it all.. or something similar!

If she is simply refusing to face facts, then you may well have to cut the strings and tell her, you need to make sure you are ok or you will end up having the flat taken away, you will be homeless and there will be nothing we can do to change it - it must be addressed now, whether you get help to deal with it from us or someone else is your choice, but this really is last chance saloon, once the debt gets too high, there is no way back. You need to tell her that there will be no more £ help, and stick to it, but help her if she turns to you needing advice.

My boyf is only learning now because we recently hit a rough patch where money was really tight, and he has noe learned how to deal with it because he doesnt want to go through it again, and if she really refuses to deal with it, then only by having the !!!!!! really hit the fan will make her wake up.

Essentially though, you need to appreciate that she is an adult now, by all means support and advise if she hasnt learned these skills yet, but she must learn that being an adult has responsibilities, whether she likes it or not.

Definately tell her about this site though - if she doesnt know you are on here, it might make her more likely to come, so maybe just mention you heard Martin on the Radio and thought she might find it useful!

Jo xx

I

crystal_clear

I Fully understand your dilema but hey !! in the nicest possible way wake up smell the roses here !!!! You/Hubby both of you have remortgaged your property to help your daughter ....Yes i would probably do the same for mine and i have 4 but i would be realistic aswell This can impact your financial future aswell !!!!!! Much as i too would give my right arm for my children They too have to meet me 1/2 way or it all becomes for nothing.
Is the flat in your daughters name if so is it still mortgaged and did you secure your property to it in anyway ?? If you answer yes to any of the above please get it signed back to you and hubby a.s.a.p tell your daughter that her failing to let you in on her finances has caused you much stress and sleepless night and the risk involved to the property/s (as in your and hers)
is just to much. You apprieciate that she wants to stand on her own two feet and you are there for help and advice anytime but from the financial side of things the property should be in your names and therefore will not be at risk should things be as bad as you predict ie:bankruptcy Obviously she would get it back in her name when she has learnt for a few years to manage her finances or as an inhertiance so either way it will be hers regardless but no one can take it from her if her debts are mounting as you fear.
make sure that is done and go emigrate as planned be there for advice anytime but let her deal with her debts seriously dont offer any financial help
she will never be able to cope now or in the future unless she learns the hard way .......by living in the real world ... you have to be cruel to be kind my gran used to say ,, Get the flat out of her name as a priority then go from there ......... you have my sympathy hun I understand it is a tourment watching and feeling so useless when you offer help and they are to stubborn to take it but i am sure later on when she has come to her senses and got those finances back on track she will thank you honest :A

Xbigman

If you have part paid for her flat and had to remortgage to bail her out again, what are you going to emigrate with? Will you rely on getting any of this back? This is money thrown away right now, so stop throwing it.
I paid my daughters (admittedly small) overdraft off three times last year only to see her take it out and spend it again. It wasn't until I refused to do it a fourth time she stopped. She still hasn't grasped the concept of savings, but I'm getting there.
Regards



X

ffs

Credit is like a drug, and although you have been trying to help your daughter, you have unwittingly been feeding her habit. The only way she will face her addition is when she has no alternative, luckily she sounds so out of control this will happen sooner rather than later, as long as you don't prolong things. If you do enable her to continue for some time, she may well by then have a child of her own, and then everything will become far far more complicated.