very poorly baby - advice for friends

oldMcDonald

We went through an awful time with my son (who is profoundly disabled but we did not know this until he was born and then became very, very poorly).

The people I remember most from that time are not the ones who came round and tried to jolly me up, but the ones who let me cry and talk through all my fears. There is a huge chance that she may feel very depressed right now, particularly if she has a history of depression. Talking to other mums who have been through similar things, another common feeling is both guilt and shame. I know that sounds harsh, but it is quite common. It took me a long time to not feel shame, like it was my fault somehow. I worried so much about how, if we did not lose him, he would be accepted by other people.

Send her cards and presents, welcome this baby with all the love and affection you can, show her that whatever happens, this baby is beautiful, important, precious and loved. The fact that her child is welcomed and loved NOW, whatever the furture holds, will be very important to her in the future.

rosie-lee

oldMcDonald, thank you very, very much for your frankness, your words have really hit a chord with me, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Your right, I have been too scared to welcome the baby as I would've done under different circumstances, i can assure you that i will be putting this right tomorrow.

rosie-lee

I feel that i would like to ask for a photo, do you think that would be OK?

pinkpig08

I think she would be comforted by the thought that, whilst you can't be there all the time, they are in your thoughts and a photo would help to reassure her of this.

I can only imagine what you all must be going through. It must feel quite scary and lonely for her, not to mention tiring.

I feel it would comfort her to know that someone else is looking at her baby and sending hope and warm wishes, even from a distance.

Sending ((((hugs)))) and good wishes
pinkpig xx

Angelmummy

Please don't feel that your text messages are repetitive. My little girl was born 12 weeks early weighing 1lb 8oz, we were miles away from home as that was the only hospital with a spare incubator and my self employed hubby had to go back to work. The daily texts from my friends were the only thing that kept me going on the dark days.

You should still send cards, gifts etc just as you would have done as it shows that you are welcoming the little one into the world and into your heart.

One of the best presents we received was a silver St christopher necklace to guide my little girl on her journey through life. Sadly she went to play with the angels when she was 8 months old so now the necklace means even more to me and I where it all the time.

The best advice I could give would be for you to support your friend in the long term. So many people are there in the beginning and then life moves on and you're left feeling abandoned.

Hope everything works out well for you and your friend xx

quietheart

rosie-lee wrote: »

I feel that i would like to ask for a photo, do you think that would be OK?

I'd suggest showing an interest in a seeing a photo but not assuming it would be ok. My friend didn't share photos, it was all they had and they wanted to keep it for them. I know everyone's different so you just need to keep things open, show an interest but have no expectation.
A keepsake box is ideal whatever happens. Your poor friend, she must be suffering right now.

rosie-lee

Angelmummy wrote: »

Please don't feel that your text messages are repetitive. My little girl was born 12 weeks early weighing 1lb 8oz, we were miles away from home as that was the only hospital with a spare incubator and my self employed hubby had to go back to work. The daily texts from my friends were the only thing that kept me going on the dark days.

You should still send cards, gifts etc just as you would have done as it shows that you are welcoming the little one into the world and into your heart.

One of the best presents we received was a silver St christopher necklace to guide my little girl on her journey through life. Sadly she went to play with the angels when she was 8 months old so now the necklace means even more to me and I where it all the time.

The best advice I could give would be for you to support your friend in the long term. So many people are there in the beginning and then life moves on and you're left feeling abandoned.

Hope everything works out well for you and your friend xx

Angelmummy, how beautifully and generously you shared the most painful time in your life with us, thank you.
Its never easy to read of someones heartbreak & hurt and I would like you to know that the words of your experience will help this mother. Instead of worrying, I now have a better idea of how I can best support her, that means a great deal to me, thank you.

beckseven

My little boy was very ill and in special care a few days after he was born He ended up extremely dehydrated and hours from death and remained critical for a couple of weeks and I do remember coming home from the hospital to get some clothes and seeing all the cards and presents that had arrived in the post and not wanting to open them as it all seemed so out of place with the situation that had come about. (I had a perfectly normal birth and a healthy baby at first so the cards were sent out as normal without people knowing the situation) I know that I just wanted to cry and speak to someone but I felt so isolated because I was living at the special baby unit with no real contact with the outside world. It felt very surreal and I kept thinking of how I should be really getting to know my healthy baby at home-it was a situation I never thought I would be in when I was pregnant. I don't know whether you're friend has a partner or whether he is staying at the hospital too but my husband couldn't stay with us and had to go home to an empty house each night instead of to his new family and he confessed to me a few months after how upsetting he found it so perhaps an offer of dinner for dad would help too? Just keep in contact with your friend and keep telling her you are there for her-perhaps offer to pick her up from the hospital for an hour and have her to lunch at your house so you can talk for a short while would help? I felt as if my son's illness was all my fault and that everyone thought I was a terrible mother and an idiot so it was a relief to speak to my friends to talk this through. Thankfully my son recovered and is a healthy two year old but we still never forget those bleak few weeks so I really really feel for people who lose a child. You have already proved yourself to be a great friend as you have taken the time to go on a forum and seek advice on how you can support your friend-I don't really think that you can do the wrong thing-just be there for her. I do hope that things will improve for your friend and her baby.

loobylou2

Just wanted to say that I"ve read your post and I really feel for your friend. I trained to be a sick childrens nurse but gave it up because I found it so stressful. The baby, your friend and her family are all in my thoughts and prayers at the moment, please give them my love. She is very lucky to have a friend as supportive and caring as you are and all you can do is be there for her at the moment. Whatever the outcome of this awful situation she will need you in the months to come and I wouldn't shy away from discussing it with her. This is her baby, she has carried it for nine months and will have developed a strong bond and attachment with him or her before they were even born, nothing will ever change that regardless of what may happen in the future. I wish you all well and hope that the outcome of this awful situation is a happy one.

GirlRacer_2

Both my babies were premature and had some real health issues. The thought that my friends were thinking about me gave me great support. One close friend even offered to sit with the baby in special care whilst I went home and had a good sleep. Even if it's not what uour friend wants you can still offer, I know she'll be thankful for the offer even if she doesn't take you up on it.

Another great help was a friend would make sure the house was in order for me, do the washing and ironing and cleaning and often brought me some food into the hospital. They are only little things but they meant a lot to me.